So, if my unintended gift to Heath and her little brother has to be ADHD, then I want it to be treated the moment it appears in them. Unfortunately, ADHD isn't typically diagnosed until kids are school age and their teachers require that they pay attention. What I find worrisome is that some research now suggests that the emotional effects of ADHD begin to take hold well before grown-ups get concerned about a child's inattention.
As a result, I'm always on the lookout for signs. My daughter just turned three. Over the last year, every tantrum she threw was not the terrible twos at play. As far as I was concerned, it was Heath exhibiting "counterwill"—a reflexive opposition to the will of an authority figure. What's a parent to do? According to Amy Margolis, PhD, of the Brooklyn Learning Center, what any child needs (but a child at risk for ADHD especially needs) is the structure of a stable home environment and an unwavering routine. "The only problem," says Margolis, "is that, as an ADHD parent, these are two of the hardest things for you to create for yourself, never mind for your kid."
Mood swings are also a problem, says Margolis. Adults with ADHD are notoriously emotional and distractable. So, even if the parents are in a great mood, their inattentiveness appears to young kids as uncaring. All these behaviors can trigger the kind of emotional isolation that sends children with what the pros call "the temperament for ADHD" straight down the rabbit hole.
Maté always corrects clients who complain about their children's tantrums. "'If I say we're in a hurry to get out of the house, my child drags her feet, or takes off the clothes that have already been put on,' a mother complains to me," says Maté. "The mother then flies into a rage, and blames the child for making her angry. [But] the parent is responsible for her [own] rage. Exhibiting it is a failure of self-regulation." I'm less than proud to admit that this dynamic is especially true in our house.
Parents in ADHD households are also likely to complain that their child is terribly manipulative. Maté insists that parents let themselves be manipulated. "If the child is the one with the power, that is because the parent has abdicated."
I confess to Maté that, while I have no problem distinguishing manipulation from power, my rage has certainly reached out its bony hand for my children. "You must relax. You are already practicing conscious parenting. That gives you and your children an enormous advantage," says Maté. "If you only remember one thing from one day to the next, remember that kids swim in their parents' unconscious. It is not enough to act calmly; you need to be calm."
"Isn't that what the Clonazepam [a tranquilizer] is for, doc?" I quip.
Maté stresses the importance of maintaining a nonstressed, loving connection between me and my children and me and my wife. He admits there will be hard times, and that they'll be harder if either of the children inherits ADHD. But, says Maté, if my wife and I can "keep taking responsibility for our actions and reactions to the child," we will provide a better atmosphere than most "normal" kids get.
Having accepted the notion that ADHD onset is a bitter brew of nurture and nature, I returned to the source of my own self-awareness, Morrel. "Look," he said, "late-diagnosis ADHD does have really painful emotional associations for adults, but I know plenty of perfectly happy 8-, 9- and 10-year-olds with ADHD." Catch it early enough, Morrel assures me, and kids simply absorb the diagnosis and its treatment into their busy lives.
