Q: What is the Kazdin method?
A: If you want to get rid of your child's horrible tantrums, practice less explosive tantrums at calm times. Say to your child, "We're going to play a little game. I say, 'No, you can't go out.' You can stand there and make a face and say, 'Oh, no!' But you're not going to hit Mommy. You're not going to say bad words to Daddy." Tell her you're going to practice this once a day for five days. If you do, the real tantrums will improve.
Q: What age range does it work for?
A: We use it with children from about 1 1/2 to 15 or 16 years old. But if you feel like your 2-year-old won't understand the concept of playing a game, try this: When he has a tantrum that isn't so bad, go to his eye level and hug him, and say exactly why you're doing it: "You got angry, but you didn't kick or throw anything. You acted like a big boy—very good." Be specific.
Q: In your book, you write that tantrums are not "teachable moments." How so?
A: When a person's drowning, it's not the time to teach him to swim. During a tantrum, parents are too reactive and negative, and the child is too upset—it's the worst time to try to teach him something. Just try to defuse the situation as best you can. Sometimes walking out of the room for a moment, if it's possible, will help you calm down and get the situation back under control.
Q: What are other common traps parents fall into when disciplining their kids?
A: Escalating punishment. Many parents think, If it's not working, I need to go all the way, with a four-hour time-out. While punishment immediately suppresses the bad behavior, it often returns as soon as the punishment is over, and sometimes it's worse. Punishment rarely works unless you're also reinforcing good behavior. And long time-outs keep a child out of social situations—interacting with siblings or peers—in which she is more likely to learn good behavior.
Another trap parents fall into is thinking of their child, If you knew better, you'd act differently. So they say, "Let me explain why you shouldn't break your sister's dollhouse. What if she came over and broke your toys?" Verbal interventions like this won't do anything to change behavior if good behavior isn't being rewarded as well. Think about adults—we've been told trans fats are bad for us, but that doesn't stop us from reaching for the potato chips.
Next Page: Giving Time-Outs
