Q: What's the best way to give a time-out?
A: One minute is usually all you need, and you shouldn't go over 10 minutes. The point is to give the child time away from reinforcers of bad behavior, such as attention or the activities of other kids. This is not the moment for a child to "think about what she's done." But if a child calms down or doesn't put up a fight, praise and reinforce that. You can say, "You went into time-out without fighting and stayed in your chair. Good job. Now let's go back out."
Q: What's the most effective way for a parent to get a kid to do something?
A: The word please changes the tone of a parent's request—we call that a "setting event"—and implies a choice to the child. Many parents think, I don't need to say "please" to my child, but saying, "Can you get ready for bed, please?" is a much better way to get the behavior you want than saying, "Get into bed!" This doesn't just apply to children—it's true of people in general. Humans have a strong preference for choice; the illusion of control is critical. If you give your child a small choice—"Do you want to wear the blue jacket or the green one?"—he's more likely to get out the door quickly.
Q: What happens if he starts to regress?
A: Parents should understand that regression in children's behavior, whether in potty training or playing the piano, is totally normal. In people, behavior swings back and forth until it's learned, and then the variations occur less and less. The key is repeated practice. When a child is learning something new, he can do it perfectly one day and then can't do it the next. This is frustrating for parents—they feel they're being manipulated by the child. But they should remember that it's normal.
