1. My 4-year-old nephew keeps pulling down girls' shorts and lifting up their skirts at the playground. His parents keep telling him to stop, but he doesn't. Is this just a phase, or do his parents need to take more drastic action?
Drastic action isn't necessary. It is quite common for children your nephew's age to have a great deal of interest in looking at "private" parts. Parents can respond as they would to any socially unacceptable behavior. At his eye level, in a clear, calm voice, tell him that it is not okay to touch other children or pull their clothes, and remove him from the playground for five minutes. He can then return and try again.
Sometimes the way we respond inadvertently supports the negative behavior. Let's look at this from your nephew's point of view. I imagine that when he causes these playground episodes, a great deal of excitement ensues—a big drama where he is the center of attention. Often when an adult sees children act in ways that look sexual, their first reaction is to gasp, laugh, or make a joke. Sometimes you can even hear a sense of pride in the parent's voice. Even if the parents do not respond this way, often other adults or children do. This kind of attention can be very exciting for a 4-year-old. When there is no gain, just a calm, consistent response, the behavior will eventually stop.
2. My 5-year-old daughter recently said to me, "I know that the baby comes out of the mommy, but can you show me where exactly? How does it come out?" What do I tell her?
Remember that your daughter does not have any of the sexually charged associations with her body that you do with yours. She simply wants to understand the biology of this amazing thing we call birth. This is a fantastic opportunity to solidify your role as the one she can always go to with private questions. Since she wants to know "exactly," tell her.
You might get her a book that shows all the parts of a woman's body and gives the real names for all the body parts. Let her know that she can find those same parts on her own body. Tell her that your body and her body have all the same parts, but that grown-up bodies are made to have babies and little-girl bodies are not. At the same time, put a boundary around this information. This is private information. Tell her that different families have different ways of talking about private things, and that you expect she will not discuss this with her friends. Remember you are sharing something truly miraculous. Don't treat it like a burden or an embarrassment, and you will set the stage for your daughter to establish a healthy relationship with her body and with you.
3. My 6-year-old daughter wants cleavage. She has actually told me, "Mom, I want this shirt to be down here [pushing her T-shirt collar down] so it can show that part (showing her breast bone area) like yours does. That's pretty." How does she know that cleavage is considered attractive? I don't show cleavage. I don't even have any cleavage. Additionally, the babysitter says that my daughter stares at her boobs all the time. How do 6-year-olds figure out that boobs are "interesting"?
Your daughter is surrounded by a culture that assigns attention and power to this thing we call "sexy." We think that because our kids have not experienced the hormonal changes of puberty, they don't pick up on these messages, but they do. Very young girls are being taught that "shaking their booty" is a way to make people pay attention to them and to gain prestige among their peers. I've had an 11-year-old in my office in tears because she thought she needed a "boob job." Marketers are actively pursuing kids of all ages with the importance of looking and acting "sexy."
There are many problems with this picture, not the least of which is that our daughters are putting aside other vital aspects of their development to pursue this thing called sexy. Being the smart girl or the talented girl or the athletic girl is less appealing than being the sexy girl. The American Psychological Association has linked the early sexualization of girls to eating disorders, depression, and low self-esteem. Little girls need to hear from us that cleavage and all that goes with it are for when they get older.
I love the line "In our family...," as in, "I understand that you might be hearing a lot about being sexy. In our family, we believe that all this sexy stuff is for when your body begins to change into a grown-up body. Your body is a child's body, so you don't need to waste your time thinking about cleavage and sexy stuff. If you hear about that stuff in school, I hope you will come to me so I can tell you what it's really about." Pay attention and listen, see what else she knows and has heard.
4. My daughter is 6 1/2 and still loves to sleep in "Mommy's room." But she has a new stepfather, and he and I are a little leery about continuing the practice. How do we handle this situation, or is it okay for her to sleep with us?
Many parents get into the habit of having their kids join them in bed. I have found that single parents in particular tend to take longer to get their kids to sleep in their own rooms. I've never thought this was particularly concerning except in situations where it reflects more the parent's need for comfort than the child's. Your leery feeling comes from the fact that you intuitively know that the marital bed does not include kids, but at the same time you understand that this is a huge shift for your daughter. If you want Stepdad to take his part in the family, "Mommy's room" must become "Mom's and Stepdad's room." Here's what to do:
• Reassure. Your daughter will need continuous reassurance that even though there is someone else in your bed you will always be there to comfort her when she needs it.
• Understand that it's a process. Remember that you are weaning her from a comforting habit. Take it in stages. If she usually starts off in your room, let her know that she can begin her bedtime routine by reading a book, playing a game, or watching a show on your bed with you and her stepdad, but that then you will take her to her room and continue the routine there. Make sure she gets some time alone with you. Gradually move the whole routine into her room.
• Inform. Let her know that mommies and daddies need alone time, too, and most of that alone time happens at night.
• Be flexible. Make sure she knows that she is not banned from your room. She can always climb in and cuddle if she needs an extra hug, but after that you will take her back to her room.
• Be patient and get support. This process can be exhausting, and kids quickly learn how to manipulate situations to get what they want. Don't worry—that's just what kids do. Give it time, and don't give up. There might be a power struggle for a while, but if you and your husband work together, your daughter will benefit.
Next Page: My 7-year-old son recently asked me, "When does the sperm know it's time to come out?"
