Doctor: Cara Familian Natterson, M.D., author of Your Newborn: Head to Toe and Your Toddler: Head to Toe , is in private practice in Santa Monica and is on staff at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, St. John's Hospital, and Santa Monica UCLA Hospital.
Psychologist: Judith Rothman, L.C.S.W., a licensed clinical social worker in private practice in West Los Angeles, specializes in working with families with young children.
At what age do kids start throwing tantrums?
DOC The earliest tantrums begin around the first birthday. At that point, children can comprehend far more than they can speak, which can be frustrating for them. They express this by crying, yelling, and hitting. The more classic tantrums begin 6 to 12 months later. By that time, a child often can speak well, but because he is in the first phase of individuating from his parents, he will protest—in the form of a meltdown—when asked to do something that goes against his will.
PSYCH What we think of as the "terrible twos" are really the "autonomous twos": the period when children start testing the waters to find out what decisions they can make for themselves. The strong need to control some part of their lives—even something as minor as when to take a bath—can be overwhelming enough to elicit a tantrum, especially when they don't have the ability to communicate their desires fully.
And when do the outbursts taper off?
DOC Tantrums often abate by the end of the preschool years, when a child learns that it is easier to achieve his goals by doing what he is asked or by negotiating calmly. There are still plenty of meltdowns as kids get older, however.
PSYCH Around the time children develop the verbal skills necessary to express their ideas, needs, and feelings, they also begin to get a clearer sense of which aspects of their lives they have control over. They can understand, for example, that there are certain rules they must obey—toys must be put away after playtime, say—but that within those rules, they have opportunities to make some choices—which toys to play with. As a result, they don't need to test their parents as much, and they throw fewer fits.
Some tantrums seem to come out of nowhere. What makes a routine incident escalate into full-throttle kicking and screaming?
DOC A hungry child is more irritable than a satiated one, and fatigue can prompt tantrums. Illness can play a role, too: A child with a cold may be far moodier than normal, and strep is well known to make a child unusually aggressive or energetic. Also, yes-or-no questions often spark tantrums. When a parent asks one, most of the time she is looking for a "yes" answer. When the child says no, the stage is set for a war of wills. It's better to give the child a choice of acceptable options—"Would you like to wear your red or blue pants?" rather than "Would you like to get dressed?"
PSYCH Because he doesn't yet have the ability to understand reasoning (why sweets before dinner will spoil his appetite, for example), a tantrum may be the only way a child has of expressing himself when his desires—to eat a cookie now—clash with his parents'. So even a small issue can take on major importance.
What's the best way to handle a tantrum once it's kicked into high gear?
PSYCH When a young child throws himself on the floor kicking and screaming, do not send him to his room. It is terrifying for him to be alone with his powerful anger. A better option is to sit on the floor and bring the child into your lap, arms and legs facing out. Wrap your arms around him, and speak softly to him as you rock, saying something like, "Mommy will help you with your mad." If you are too upset to hold your child, stay in the same room, talking softly to him about his anger. Choosing either of these routes doesn't mean giving in to his demands. The third and less productive tactic is to cool off in separate rooms.
DOC When a child is out of control and needs your help to calm down, you can redirect his behavior by soothing him. But sometimes a child will throw a tantrum simply to get attention: He would rather be yelled at than ignored. In this situation, remember that the more focus you put on the behavior, the more likely you are to reinforce it. If you suspect he is acting out just to get your attention, it is best to ignore him until you can find a way to give him some positive attention. Make sure he is in a safe place, then turn yourself in another direction—and try not to negotiate until after the meltdown has subsided.
Are there ways to avoid tantrums?
DOC A post-tantrum recap is one way to help prevent more tantrums in the future. But if you try to talk about it too soon afterward, you may incite another one. It may be better to wait until later in the day or bedtime to discuss why tantrums are not okay. It is also important to know when your own behavior causes tantrums and when it doesn't. If you are argumentative or aggressive in front of your child, he may model your behavior.
Is it ever advisable to give in to a child's demands in the midst of a tantrum?
DOC Occasionally a tantrum occurs over something that is simply not important, such as getting him dressed in the morning. If you need to be somewhere, manage your child's tantrum, get him dressed, and get going. But if you've got some flexibility, it may be best to let your child "win." If you don't have anywhere important to be, is it really worth it to watch your child become more and more hysterical?
PSYCH Pick your battles; it will help you minimize conflict. Health and safety are paramount, of course. Beyond that, a few (and I mean just a few) other issues may be confronted if they are very important to parents. Let the rest go, so your child's life isn't ruled by too many nos.
