Bad Santas
Many parents find it troubling when grandparents lavish over-the-top gifts on the kids. Is a $500 telescope excessive for a 4-year-old? Sure. But if he likes it, and his grandparents enjoy (and can afford) giving it, there's really no harm done. "This is a parent's problem," Heitler says. If you worry that the relationship between your parents and your kids is becoming too gift-focused, suggest presents that are not things but experiences for them to share, like tickets to a play or the circus.
And if specific kinds of gifts bother you, lay out guidelines and explain why they're important to you. One socially conscious Vermont couple put an embargo on plastic toys (toxicity concerns), toys that need batteries (bad for the environment), and toy guns (duh); the grandparents tailor their gift-giving accordingly.
Guilt-trippers and Bulldogs
According to a 2001 survey by the AARP, the number-one factor affecting grandparents' feelings about their role in their grandchildren's lives is how often they see them. But these days, one set of grandparents often has better access than the other. Jan Webster, who lives in Laramie, Wyoming, and sees her New York City grandson three or four times a year at most, is philosophical about the fact that the other grandparents are just a subway ride away. "Circumstances are what they are," she says. Between visits, frequent phone calls go a long way: "Because I'm in regular contact, I know what's happening."
To ensure that differences don't lead to bruised feelings or bad blood between in-laws, parents need to promote peace between the families. Kornhaber suggests starting before your baby is born, discussing grandparents' expectations regarding visits and holidays. When out-of-town grandparents come to visit, ask the local ones to back off a bit. And try, once in a while, to get both families together.
Still, some grandparents have a hard time sharing, and when the competition unfolds in close quarters, it can turn into a contact sport. Carrie, a Brooklyn mother of two, has seen it happen: "Our son's christening became a huge debacle. My stepmom literally ambushed him and carried him around the whole time. My mother-in-law and my mom had never gotten along that well, but after that, they formed an alliance—against my stepmom." The grandmothers remain so competitive that Carrie still worries anytime they will be attending the same event. Her solution? Assigning them tasks in separate parts of the house.
Wallflowers
On the other end of the spectrum are grandparents who seem to need an engraved invitation to hang out with the kids. If your parents honestly don't have a clue about grandparenting (these people raised you?), brainstorm activities they can do with the grandkids. Harwayne suggests browsing at the public library, baking, teaching songs—whatever the grandparents are good at. "They don't even need to spend money," she says. "It's about bringing them together." Then, says Heitler, remove yourself from the picture: "Even if it's only taking a walk, the times when it's just grandparents and grandkids are the most satisfying."
