Famine. War. Bratz's Neon Pop Divaz. There's a part of every parent that would love to shield our kids from everything bad in the world. But eventually we're all forced to confront what often feel like premature questions about death. To find out how best to tackle some of the toughest queries, we checked in with Maria Trozzi, coauthor of Talking with Children About Loss (Perigee) and director of the Good Grief program at Boston Medical Center; and Donna Schuurman, executive director of the Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families in Portland, Oregon. Their best advice: The younger the kid, the simpler the answer.
"What does dead mean?"
By age 6 or so, most children understand the basic concept of death, but for toddlers and preschoolers, it can be as hard to comprehend as nuclear physics. First explain the difference between dead and alive, Trozzi says: "Is a desk alive? No. Is a sparrow alive? Yes. But when a sparrow stops being alive, it's dead." Most kids come across death in nature—a dead bug in a corner, a dead bird in the driveway—and Schuurman recommends using these as examples: "Say, 'Here's a dead mouse. It can't run, can't walk, can't eat. Everything that's alive will someday be dead.' Keep it at that. Don't overwhelm them."
"When is Grandma coming back?"
Before age 6, most children can't grasp the idea that death is permanent. "As hard as it is, kids need clarity. You need to remind them that when someone's dead, that person can't come back," says Trozzi. You can also explain that one way to keep Grandma around is by cultivating memories of her, says Schuurman. "You can say, 'No, we can't see her anymore, but wasn't she wonderful, and didn't she make the best chocolate-chip cookies?' Make sure children know that it's okay to talk about people who aren't there anymore—that that's how they live on."
"Will you and Daddy die?"
Be honest but reassuring. "You have to say yes," Schuurman says. "But also be sure to tell them–truthfully–that most people don't die until they're very, very old and that you plan to be around for a long time." And ask why they want to know, Trozzi says: "Kids are very ego–centric at this age. The child whose grandma died may be thinking, Grammy's the one who took me to ballet, so who's going to take me to ballet now? They want to know how this is going to affect them: 'If you die, who's going to take care of me?' You have to provide perspective." And try not to give in to the temptation to lie your way out. "If your child hears someone has died in a car crash and asks you to promise not to die in one, don't," Trozzi warns. "But you can promise them you will do everything you can to stay safe."
"What's heaven?"
A family member's death is a good opportunity to pass along your ideas about spirituality and religion. Just keep their age in mind. "To a 5-year-old who can't comprehend abstractions, going to heaven is no different from going to Buffalo," says Trozzi. "It's someplace you can come back from." Your kid will also probably hear about other belief systems from friends. What if you don't believe in an afterlife? Schuurman emphasizes explaining whatever it is you believe in the simplest terms and "focusing on the good stuff. Tell a 4-year-old, 'We get to live our lives like this and be happy together and eat ice cream. When we die, we don't get to do those things anymore. But until then, we're going to have so much fun.'"
"Mommy, why are you crying?"
When a child catches you in a moment of grief, your instinct may be to hide the tears in an effort to protect her. Instead, explain honestly that you're sad. "You're not doing the child any good by lying," says Schuurman. "She can tell something's wrong, and if you won't open up about it, she'll assume it's something terrible. It's adults who tend to be uncomfortable talking about death—think about how at ease kids are playing funeral, which is no more morbid (and no less healthy) than playing school. If we don't provide a safe environment for them to ask questions, they'll start to shut down."
