Some of these men grudgingly accepted the new dynamic, while others gave their wives ultimatums or came up with arrangements similar to Kurt's. And yet, paradoxically, even those fathers who are not connecting sexually with their wives said that, overall, parenthood has strengthened the emotional bonds they share with their partners. While many consider cheating (54 percent, according to our poll), fantasize about celebrities (Jessica Alba beat out Angelina Jolie, Gisele Bündchen, and Beyoncé in our poll), and indulge in Internet porn (60 percent view it regularly), the dads we heard from said they were still attracted to their wives—and very eager to act on their attraction.

"I married my fantasy," Ross, 41, a freelance photographer in Brooklyn, says of his wife, whom he started dating 11 years ago. "I was so physically attracted to her." During their courtship and first years of marriage, Ross says, he and his wife had frequent (four to five times a week), satisfying sex. She never dismissed his sexual fantasies—she told him she would consider threesomes—and she was accepting of his taste for porn. But their erotic relationship fizzled soon after their daughter was born four years ago. "I understood that my wife didn't need one more parasitic housemate or another suckling animal on her body," says Ross. "I was sensitive to her exhaustion. But after about a year of rejections, it was enough already. I said, 'You're a wonderful mother, but you're a shitty wife.'"

The year following the birth of a baby can be extremely challenging for couples, as anyone reading this magazine knows. "Women are hormonal; they're tired; they're so focused on the infant," says Michele Weiner-Davis, a Boulder, Colorado-based marriage therapist who has written several books, including The Sex-Starved Marriage (Simon & Schuster). "The end result is that men really feel shortchanged or left out." Indeed, studies show that marital satisfaction goes down with the birth of a child and that most marriages that end in divorce in the United States are kaput within four or five years—in many cases, soon after a child has been born. Weiner-Davis advises pregnant couples to talk about the realities of new parenthood in advance and to ask themselves, "How are we going to maintain a connection with this tornado pulling us in another direction?" It's not as easy as it sounds.

"I don't want to get too shrinky or Freudian, but when a baby is born, the guy loses someone—his wife—upon whom he was dependent on a deep level," says Derek Polonsky, M.D., a clinical instructor at Harvard Medical School with a specialty in sexuality and couples. "Often, men are portrayed as insensitive, with sex always on the brain. But I've come to have a more sympathetic view: that their sexuality is so self-defining that a lack of sex can be a huge emotional loss." Polonsky even thinks that prospective parents should be counseled in childbirth classes about the importance of maintaining intimacy. In his private practice, he often prescribes a night away at a hotel for couples who can't find time for sex at home. "Couples need to be told that their relationship is the primary one and that it requires nurturing," he says. "They need to be encouraged to talk about that—not necessarily in therapy, but with each other."

Weiner-Davis agrees that marital sex needs to be negotiated. "It's politically incorrect to tell women to consider their husband's needs," she says. "But when a mother loses her sexual interest, the man is not only left out of the mother-baby dynamic, but he loses his position as lover, which is devastating"—and may explain why 32 percent of our respondents have had affairs since becoming fathers. She also points out that women need to remember that even for men, sex is about more than just an orgasm.

After the "shitty wife" comment, Ross and his wife sat down together and addressed the strain that sex was causing in their marriage. Ross's wife, who frequently travels for work, told him one thing that would get her hot and bothered: if he picked up the toys and dirty laundry that blocked her way to the bedroom. "She said, 'You know what really turns me on? When you do the recycling,'" Ross laughs. He took her at her word and started pitching in around the house more. The couple also decided to schedule regular sex dates so that not too much time could pass without intimacy. For Ross, the key to eliminating resentment was simple communication. "When it's been a while since we've had sex, I say to her, 'Come back, so I don't have to go to SapphicErotica.com.'" He says things have also improved since he's changed his expectations: Ross has come to accept their twice-weekly sex schedule and has made peace with the fact that many of their liaisons must be planned in advance. "I'm a realist," he says. "I don't mind if she says, 'Let's do it before Top Chef.' That's how it is now."

Next Page: The number-one reason couples enter marriage counseling—surprise, surprise—is...