Why do we always spend the Fourth of July at your family's house?" "Can't you ever pay a bill on time?" "Are you humanly incapable of packing a lunch, replacing a roll of toilet paper, or divining the difference between bedroom floor and hamper?" Sound familiar? Hardly any parent is blameless when it comes to bickering with her spouse over the day-to-day business of raising kids and sharing a space.
But what happens when you lose it on each other in front of the little ones? Will they be permanently traumatized? As it happens, children in high-conflict homes may suffer from anxiety, depression, behavioral problems, and sleep disturbances, according to a 2006 study published in the journal Child Development. Thankfully, the more tiddlywinks stuff—the roommate issues, the you-squeezed-the-toothpaste- from-the-middle exasperation—doesn't exactly qualify as "high conflict." But kids do notice, and such incidents can have an effect. To learn more about the fallout from our marital spats, we checked in with Carolyn Robinowitz, a Washington, D.C.-based psychiatrist and a professor at George Washington University; and Scott Wetzler, a clinical psychologist and the director of the Supporting Healthy Marriage program at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City.
Is there a productive way to argue (assuming a three-day silent treatment gets you nowhere...)?
Though it might sound like an oxymoron—and maybe a little self-help-y—it is possible to have a "caring" argument. As defined by Robinowitz, it's one in which both parties show respect for each other—by listening, not interrupting, and never screaming or name calling. (Also verboten: heavy sighing, eye rolling, and sarcasm.) "Arguing in a caring way teaches children a great lesson: that you can disagree without going to war," says Robinowitz. She also encourages parents to talk to their children about what's happening as soon as possible: "If a child witnesses a fight, parents should try to say, 'Mommy and Daddy are having an argument, but we still love each other, and we still love you.' Because when kids see Mom and Dad heatedly interacting, it can feel to them like the world is ending." And sometimes, when they see that the world doesn't end, they adopt the same troublesome fighting tactics. Parental fights that devolve into yelling matches might "make the kids think, Well, if Mom and Dad do it, it must be all right," Robinowitz says. "But that won't go over so well on the playground, at school, with their siblings, or, for that matter, in life."
I like the idea of a "caring" argument, but what about when that feels impossible?
If a fight is escalating, try hard to squelch it before it spirals out of control. (We realize that is a lot easier said than done.) When you feel your blood boiling—or just a quickened pulse—"try to stop the conversation," Robinowitz says. "This is hard to do in the middle of an argument, and I can't claim I've always done it, but parents need to take a deep breath and say to their partners or themselves, 'Let's cool off.' Grown-ups sometimes need time-outs, too." If children don't understand the context of the fight, they may assume the worst—i.e., that their parents are going to hurt each other or get a divorce. Wetzler suggests that parents reassure kids right away that the fight has nothing to do with them, especially if the children are acting anxious: "Explain that healthy relationships are resilient and that no two people agree on everything." Robinowitz also counsels arranging a contingency plan, such as a phrase or signal indicating it's time to cool off, along with a commitment to revisit the issue when you're not spitting nails. Knowing how to control yourself is "the sign of a grown-up," Wetzler says. "That's what makes you parents and not children."
If we're really in the thick of a fight, should we—for the benefit of the kids—conduct it behind closed doors?
It would be difficult, if not impossible, to carry out all your arguments in secret, or in spelled-out words, or via text message. The subterfuge is neither a good idea nor even very convincing, because you really can't hide much from kids. "Children are pretty sensitized to conflict, whether it's explicit or hidden," says Wetzler. So having an old-fashioned, out-loud argument behind a closed door can be even more bewildering to a kid than one that's out in the open. "It's probably worse to close the door, because closed doors can be very scary for kids," Robinowitz says. There is even an upside to arguing openly. "If parents don't acknowledge conflict or keep it under the rug, a child might start to think that it's not okay to express anger," says Wetzler. "Remember, you are a role model for your kids for how to deal with emotions." Of course, if you feel the topic of your argument is not appropriate for children—like money trouble or issues about sex—close the door and finish fast, or table it until after they're asleep.
We don't really fight as much as bicker. How harmful is that?
Different kids respond differently to bickering. Young children, who cannot always understand why their parents are fighting, may not be able to differentiate between henpecking and something more serious. Others might just say, "There they go again." But in either case, "any kind of fighting has the potential to undermine a child's sense of security," says Robinowitz. Just as with blowouts, it can be helpful when parents contextualize bickering as it happens by saying something like, "I'm sorry I'm nagging you, honey—I'm tired." Constant bickering can also send children a negative message about how people can treat one another. "If Mom is nagging Dad about leaving the OJ on the counter, that makes Dad look like a jerk," says Robinowitz. "Or a child might think, Well, if Dad doesn't have to put his things away, then I don't either." The bottom line: Kids are aware of tension between Mom and Dad even when they aren't yelling at each other.
What else can we do?
To make your kids feel safer in those instances when the gloves come off, really make an effort to be kind to and appreciative of each other on a regular basis—with words like "Thanks for doing the dishes," as well as physical signs of affection. (Presumably, this doesn't require a monumental effort.) "Treating your partner with respect shows kids what healthy relationships look like and gives them a cushion," says Robinowitz. "So when there is an argument, they can begin to distinguish between disagreements and earth-shattering conflict." On the other hand, if you and your partner can't seem to control when and where arguments happen, and your children are getting caught in the crossfire, it may be time to seek help from a couples counselor. "It's important for parents to learn how to establish good boundaries," says Wetzler, "so their issues don't become their kids' issues."
