Let me recap, as you may have been out in the senior parking lot smoking and applying lip gloss during this part: As an object moves ever closer to the speed of light, its weight approaches infinity and time slows down. I don't know where I was when they explained that relativity also applies to motherhood. The clock never moves slower than during episodes of colic or trips to the emergency room. But afterward, when you crawl into bed, it may occur to you that so much time has passed so quickly that you literally cannot remember the last time you had sex, let alone anything resembling a Big Bang. (So sorry, couldn't resist—turns out physics is a sex columnist's downfall.) Anyway, to our question:
Q I've just had a baby. How long can I avoid having sex with my husband?
A Quite a long time. The received medical opinion is that you can recuse yourself for at least a month postpartum. Naomi Stotland, an obstetrician at the University of California, San Francisco, says that it usually takes four to six weeks for the cervix and any stitches or lacerations to heal; soreness may persist for weeks after that, particularly if you've had a C-section. If you're looking for statistics, research suggests that only 20 percent of new mothers have had sex one month after delivery; by three months, that figure increases to 80 to 90 percent.
Now, back in your bedroom, the husband may not feel that regression analysis is a reasonable substitute for getting some. Assuming the spirit is willing, try all the usual alternatives to penetration. Remember that big, milky bosoms mean really useful cleavage. This is also a good time to share the shower—the bathroom feels private, and hot lather provides lubrication while also addressing any not-so-fresh conditions down south.
Discomfort isn't as tricky, however, as disinterest. Even when sex is physically possible, you're more likely to feel dead tired and bloated than sex-kittenish. Scientists concur: In one study of parents of 1-year-olds, only 37 percent of women reported desire equal to what they felt before pregnancy.
But beware, readers: Mrs. Young fears that if you wait too long to reestablish some slippery nonbaby interactions, you may end up in one of those grim relationships where Alex Trebek suffices for dinner conversation and one of you sleeps with the girl in marketing. Until you can work up some enthusiasm for intercourse on a more-or-less weekly basis, compensate by talking a good game. Suggest improbable naptime activities. Make admiring noises about the husband's equipment. Buy cute panties, and swing your huge new bottom. Attempt more wet kissing. Anything to inject a bit of adult subject matter into your infant-dominated world.
