During my pregnancy, the morning shows were abuzz with the news that the happiest people are those who are married but childless by choice—bizarre, I thought, given my impending total personal fulfillment through motherhood. These days, of course, I regularly threaten to go out for a pack of cigarettes and never come back. Mr. Young appears unfazed, and not just because I don't smoke.
In truth, readers, he and the child have caught me in a love trap. I don't really want to take to the hills and discotheques where the childless girls roam free—my 20s were sufficient. But like most honest women with a job and dependents, Mrs. Young is always looking for relief from the side effects of the fulfilled life: anxiety, exhaustion, eye twitches, and self-recrimination.
If you don't have a large household staff or a pill habit, an orgasm can work wonders in the relaxation department. But arranging the circumstances for said release can be challenging. And so we've arrived at our question:
Q It's hard to have a satisfying orgasm, because I'm so distracted during sex—too many things on my mind, plus the kids are right down the hall. What to do?
A The widespread debate over vaginal vs. clitoral orgasms misses the point, in my sexpert opinion. The vital distinction is one of quality, not location: Orgasms can be terrific or, frankly, so-so. The hiccup-in-the-panties version hardly counts when compared to the body-of-jelly variety. This is assuming that you can manage to come at all—nearly impossible if you're not in the frame of mind to become aroused.
Your bedmate does have certain responsibilities in this regard. Tremendous orgasms generally require assiduous foreplay, as well as some serious attention to the clitoris. Might I suggest, as I so often do, more oral sex? Even the most doting husband will rarely go down often enough or, crucially, for long enough, so you should explain that you are looking for total satisfaction, not just a friendly gesture. If it's too much trouble to get your partner on board, many clever ladies swear by the vibrator: so handy and reliable, they say—a mother's best friend.
On the more difficult question of how to create the mental space required for real arousal, sometimes it just ain't possible to leave your situation at the bedroom door. You can try discussing your day while having sex—stop pretending, in other words, that you're not preoccupied. The lack of pretense can be relaxing, and talking about the quotidian while having intercourse can be surprisingly kinky ("I had a really hard meeting today." "How hard was it?" "Really long and very, very hard."). Or get out of the bedroom entirely, especially advisable if your children are sleeping nearby. A new venue, even if it's the kitchen, can be a relief, particularly if you've been self-conscious about keeping quiet. Alternately, try to make love without making any noise; the focus on remaining silent can keep your attention on your physical experience and away from your busy, busy brain.
