True love is no picnic, readers. And once the children arrive with their ridiculous demands, the days of wine and roses can be brief indeed. I do believe that passion can be preserved (ergo this column), but I'm convinced that maintaining marital enchantment requires an overhaul in sexual strategy, from romantic to louche—what might be called the midafternoons-of-malt-liquor-and-mini-carnations approach.
I start with a recalibration of the rules of engagement: Innocent happenstance is out the door; guerrilla tactics are in. It's terrific when you're presented with optimal conditions—hours of uninterrupted caressing, misty patter of rain, neighboring cellists, etc.—but good times can also be afforded by 10 minutes and any space relatively clear of miniature vehicles. And here we are at our question:
Q I'm trying to get pregnant for the second time, but our baby-making sex feels like a chore. How can we recapture our spontaneity?
A For the first kid, you may have just ditched the birth control and let nature take its course. But that was the old life, when lovemaking was a regular recreational activity, like seeing movies on their opening weekends and eating at noisy restaurants past midnight, while drunk, with other adults. I'll not be the first to observe that the fruits of youth are wasted on the young.
Now, if you're like most parents of small children, it's a hot-and-heavy month if you have sex once a week, and that's not exactly capitalizing on your finicky fertile period. It's possible that you and your man will happen upon a mutual fit of ovulatory passion, but I'll venture that obsessive temperature-taking and talk of vaginal-mucus viscosity won't be the triggers that bring it on. This is not to say that the process of getting knocked up has to reflect the calendar more than the libido. You just have to leverage the erotic potential of premeditated intercourse.
Sleep is the natural predator of romance, so make sex plans for any time but bedtime. If the kid's not the first one awake, early mornings are ideal: You're already horizontal, relaxed but not exhausted, and the husband may have a morning erection that you can exploit. If your house is like chez Young, however, the alarm clock wears footie pajamas and requires cereal, and is not conducive to special parental activities.
That leaves adult prime time, the evening hours after all the youth is safely tucked away, as your impregnation H hour. Sadly, your man probably doesn't read a bedtime story, then immediately don his silky smoking jacket and commence thinking dirty thoughts. You may need to lay the groundwork for a horny attitude. For example, in the morning, tell the father of your future second child that the time is right and that you will not be wearing any panties all day. E-mail him at lunch to report how refreshed and breezy you're feeling (use Gmail, people, not the work account). Cross and uncross your legs at dinner. Then put the existing kid to bed early.
