You know my position: I'm pro-intercourse. It's pleasing to think about sex, it's entertaining to talk about sex, I often suggest I'd very much like to have sex, and why is Mr. Young still wearing pants? Sadly, as I've admitted before, my willing mind is often no match for my extremely listless body; thank heavens the husband knows to keep his fly buttoned until he can verify that my cooing noises won't drift off into a snore.
Perhaps I should adjust my expectations, think a little more about world peace, a little less about humping? (Though there are so few good precedents for combining the two, and nothing I've seen of Ban Ki-moon gives me hope for an all-nude Security Council.) I wouldn't be the first to decide that frequent girl-on-husband action—as a recreational activity, like skydiving or soufflé making—isn't compatible with a lifestyle that includes small children and gainful employment.
But in lieu of accepting celibacy, I'd rather embrace a sexiness that tolerates the overbooked everyday: sleepy, certainly; quick, probably; orgasmic, not reliably. Even so, affectionate lovemaking can be a sumptuous pleasure. Practiced frequently, it has only one attendant danger: The kids start wondering where you both keep disappearing to. And here we are at our question:
Q I'm afraid one of our kids will walk in on us having sex. What do I do if we're caught in the act?
A No fears, my dear: This is why we have lying. Perhaps you and the gentleman enjoy Greco-Roman wrestling? Or you've lost something under the covers? (No, not your dignity.) Don't let on that anything untoward has occurred, and try to send the kid out of the room with a distracting errand or amusement. If Junior wants to hop in the bed and goof around with Mom and Dad, though, it's time to conjure up thoughts of Dick Cheney and let the romantic moment pass.
If you've been discovered in a particularly compromising position—or your child is past the age of total gullibility—then call on your poise. Step apart calmly and procure coverings. Explain that you'd love to talk to him later, but you're having some private time right now. (Let me also pause to put in a plug, as I so often do, for oral sex. You can't beat it for under-the-covers discretion, and besides, nothing says "I am committed to your happiness and well-being" like a warm tongue in the right spot.)
One more crucial question, if I may: Is your concern really that your child is going to walk in? Or that you're not feeling relaxed or amorous, and anxiety over discovery is the excuse you've decided on? Because you can cut yourself some slack. You don't have to feel superhot at all times, just willing—from willing, the path to genuine pleasure is very short, and at that point, you won't care if you didn't throw the locks.
