Friday evening at 9:30: I unpin my omnipresent bun and apply Chapstick. Husband cues up Everybody Digs Bill Evans and removes his pants. We make love, then I eat a bowl of cereal.
One week later. Friday evening at 9:30: I unravel my omnipresent bun and brush my teeth. Husband cues up Led Zeppelin III and removes his pants. We make love, then I watch Numb3rs—just can't get enough of that Judd Hirsch.
Yes, even in a sexpert household, the lovemaking can take on a certain routine quality. In many ways, this is no accident. Mr. Young and I have spent a decade perfecting these moves, and just having sex, any old meat-and-potatoes sex, is enough of an accomplishment that I try to resist mucking it up with some crazy new experimental acrobatics.
But I do get bored, reader, and that leads to all manner of trouble and bruising. Why not have sex in the bathtub? Because there are no padded horizontal surfaces, that's why.
What about some dirty talk? Well, you know I'm all for such things as a general rule, but there can be a disconnect when the spouse interrupts the smutty murmurings to inquire whether the cat got put out. And here we are at our question:
Q How do I introduce some variety into our sex life without it seeming awkward or contrived?
A I could tell you that in the heat of the moment, your nonchalant rotation for a bit of 69 will barely be noticed. Or that maybe your husband has been secretly hoping that one night you'll strap it on. But I'd be lying, and that I try never to do.
In real life, where that "moment" may describe how long your sex actually lasts, and heat hardly ever comes into play (unless it's pertaining to tuckered-out air-conditioning), any sudden changes of behavior will not go unnoticed. The gentlemen are sensitive to implied critique. Wanting something different can suggest that you were not totally and ultimately fulfilled by whatever sexy business they were doing before. Discussing the problem rarely helps matters: Is there anything more conducive to awkwardness than an earnest conversation about sex while not having it?
Let me propose another of my Secret Strategies of Sexy Moms: Change of Context. Rather than trying to fix your dull sexual circumstances through direct action or straight talk, get some new circumstances. It may be enough to move to an unusual locale—a plush hotel room, Cabo, the pantry. But physical location isn't as important as mental space. Try to get into a state where you and the man feel different—looser, happier, hornier!
Maybe you both need some hard-core relaxation. Two bottles of wine and a moratorium on telecommunications devices are a good first step. Or perhaps a hint of risk would shake things up? A crowded concert, the dark backseat of a cab—anyplace where the danger of exposure recaptures the tension of your childless days. Then the only awkwardness will be in getting your panties off quickly enough.
