Readers, is there anything like the postpartum condition for theoretical bliss and actual dismay? I recently delivered my second bundle of pooping joy, and while the baby is a sweet little snookums, I'm appalled at my fatigue, my moodiness, and the general wreckage of the maternal body.
The problem is that this baby-making business is meant to be a young woman's game. If only I had been sold off to a neighboring goatherd at 14, as nature intended, I'd be long past all this trauma and peacefully resting, probably in my grave. Even a generation ago, I would have been rounding the corner into an empty-nest middle age, contemplating a few decades of afternoon cocktails, winters in Boca, and tantric sex. Instead I'm staring down the big midlife birthday with a babe on the breast and a preschooler on my last nerve.
Now, Mr. Young claims to be aroused by my scintillating mind as well as my usually exquisite bottom. I certainly hope that is even a little bit true, as the current curves are something only Fernando Botero could love. After considerable observation, I've concluded that the puffy gatherings of flesh over my thighs are in fact flab, not water weight. And that the Churchillian set of jowls I've developed aren't doing much to offset my newly ruddy skin. Meanwhile, the immense bosoms leak and burn, while the battered nether regions continue their primordial oozing. But as this month's intrepid questioner reminds me, sex must go on!
Q: Since having our daughter a few months ago, I get turned off if my husband touches me in certain spots — my milky breasts and a patch above my C-section incision. How do I keep these areas from interfering with our lovemaking?
A: Kudos, madame! I firmly believe that infrequency of marital relations is the root of much big trouble — not just sexual, but in associated arenas of intimacy and communication. So I admire your commitment to bringing back the sexy, despite the limitations on your erogenous zones.
First, do talk explicitly to the husband, preferably when in bed but not yet in the midst of making love. It might seem obvious that you don't want your tender breasts squeezed. But remember, he's not feeling the sore, swollen sensations, and so may be clueless, even if you've been dropping hints every three hours.
In addition to making sure he's clear about the situation (which, you should keep in mind, will improve over time), perhaps you can enlist him in an experiment to eroticize other areas: Try asking him to spend some time stroking or massaging you. If you're like most new parents, foreplay has fallen from the top ranks of the priority list, so some lazy petting may be more arousing than you remember.
Failing that, how about lingerie? Look for short baby-doll negligees — the kind with a bra top and a skirt that hits you just at pubic level. Wear them to bed sans culottes. That should provide you with a bit of protection from absentminded caresses in the places marked "Do Not Disturb," while also focusing attention on the delightfully revealed regions below.
