For my last column, a reader asked me to suggest some adult films, and I was forced to admit that my sexpert credentials were unprofessionally weak in the porn department. On the bright side, I figured, my near-total ignorance made me a good stand-in for the porn-curious mothers of America—except that my expense account was okayed for smut. I turned to two online sex shops (Good Vibes and Babeland) and ordered some titles recommended for newbies. It should come as no surprise that the adult industry subscribes to Chris Anderson's theory of the long tail: that the future of business lies in selling more variety and fewer units. So rest assured, whatever your sexual fancy, a film exists to cater to it. The sites above cover the main subcategories, including how-to videos, all-girl action, '70s classics, and fetish titles. I tried a range of genres, with a focus on woman-directed films and best-selling titles advertised as "good for couples." I am now more than prepared to answer the following question:
Q: What do you recommend in the way of pornography?
A: The problem with porn is one of embarrassment. First, you have to negotiate the awkwardness of settling down with your spouse to watch the stuff. Then you have to deal with naked-stranger weirdness—at least, long enough to derive some benefit for your own naked activities. I can't help with the first point, but so far as the libido boost goes, I'm convinced that all porn is not created equal. The salient factor, I've decided, is whether there's some sort of plotline.
Take, for example, a recent best seller like Pirates, in which lusty blondes with giant breasts and flat SoCal accents prowl the Caribbean, looking for someone to fellate. I wasn't expecting Strindberg, but the preposterous dialogue and leaden acting were so distracting that the intermittent sex seemed more bizarre than titillating. Ditto with other erotic adventures I sampled. If all you can get your hands on is scripted porn, I recommend watching it while having sex, rather than as an amusing prelude. (The doubling effect of seeing and feeling helpfully confuses the critical faculties of the brain.)
The most watchable films I found ditched plot in favor of vérité action. Without ridiculous set dressing and cheesy exposition, it's easier to enjoy the sex, be it sweet or nasty. On the romantic end of the spectrum, Matt and Khym shows the titular couple—not professional actors—talking candidly about their sex life (fast-forward through that bit), then making love. It's explicit but also tender. Chemistry takes docu-porn to the opposite extreme, capturing seven adult stars during an unscripted house party as they grunt, squirt lube, wield alarming insertable toys, and generally make themselves seem like candidates for therapy. I said, "Yikes!" more than once, but in retrospect, mere exposure to shocking sex acts turns out to be the most useful function of pornography. It's not altogether bad, in the tidy confines of monogamy, to get some new, freaky inspiration.
