We don't do TV in the Crabhouse, because Crabmommy would watch all day. So it's strictly DVDs here. The no-TV policy also controls Crabtot viewing and lets Mom pick, hence the slightly odd choices in Tot's viewing library.

When it comes to kiddie viddies, I like a show that is as follows:
a) 3-dimensional (i.e., claymation, animated puppetry...'cuz I just like it and I somehow believe it's better for young eyes than 2D cartoonishness)
b) free of whiny voices
c) low on the color purple. Especially purple, prehistoric characters.
d) likely to appeal to Crabtot

Here are a couple of my faves for toddlers:

Pingu!
If you don't know Pingu the claymated penguin, Amazon him this minute. Beyond clever and cute and dealing with real-life issues like sibling rivalry in an igloo, Pingu is that much more spectacular because the penguins speak no known language, just some soft, Scando-inflected gibberish known to fans as "Pinguish." This means no actual talking. Which is music to a mother's ears. And music to David Hasselhoff's too. Yes, inexplicably, the Hasselhoff was moved to record Pingu Dance (not music to our ears).

Hello Kitty in Stump Village
This just-out Asian confection is so dang cute you could just squish it. HK comes to DVD-land at last in delectable 3D stop-motion animation. See HK and friends crack walnuts! Watch them sleep in their strange little mushroom houses! Look at their weird little mouth-slots! Try to figure out why it is that when Cinnamon Roll is asleep, a little clay bubble comes out of his nose with each breath!?
(Note: there are some whiny dubbed voices on here but the bizarro-cute visuals makes this an exception to my rule. Just keep the sound low.)

More DVD picks to come. And if you have something 3D to recommend, by all means share.

Crabmommy bio

Last month I wrote about Crabtot's orange obsession. Cute at first. But the kid is now so deeply into orange, I'm starting to see red.

At first it might be adorably odd when one's tot sleeps with an orange plastic shot glass every night for a month. Or wakes up and slurs sleepily, "I want an orange sky." Or tells you when she grows up she will do "orange work." Indeed, it can be quite charming to have your child insist on wearing only orange underwear. And when you can't find orange undies for girls, you even dye them yourself to help the little muffin in her quest for total orange domination.

You're down with the orange food. Carrots. Mango. But when on the family walk the child looks at a big brown butte and calls it "brownlish-orange," you start to wonder, Is this a problem? A question that intensifies when Tot insists on wearing, every day, a set of too-small, too-orange Patagonia long underwear. As outerwear.

It could be worse. It could be purple. But people, it's still bad. It's Patagonia.

Yes, at its core my concern has less to do with the color obsession —a color I, after all, advanced —but it's the fact that the orange love has made Tot fall for sensible athletic gear. I want my tot to attend a party in a sweet little Zutano dress, but her choice the Patagonia. It's a choice wholly appropriate in our Croc- and Croakies-infested, ski-wear-draped town, but I'm not digging it.

Judging by her savage love of the long undies, we have a long, hard, and expensive road ahead. In grade school she'll demand a Cloudveil shell-jacket. Then it's Prana pants to the prom...At her wedding she'll have her dress designed by Goretex. She'll be tromping down the aisle in Tevas. Carried away? Maybe. But I see a slippery slope, with high-performance brands all the way down.

Advice, anyone? How does one turn a tot onto cute clothes in a sporty place?

Crabmommy bio

At my personal blog, I'm getting loads of requests for my wisdom on things baby-related. I thought I'd answer one of them here:

Dear Crabmommy,
My friend is about to have a baby. Please can you advise me as to the absolute best, most memorable baby present? I just don't feel like getting her the My Breast Friend on her registry.
Thanks,
Pal of Almost-Due

Dear PoAD,
I can see how snapping up the boob paraphernalia might not thrill you. Fortunately Crabmommy has a better idea: Why not nix presents altogether? Let me guess, your pal is registered up the wazoo and her entire office is clubbing in to get her the jogging stroller. I say, forget the felt booties, the Tiffany rattle, the Petit Bateau onesies, the adorable minimalist-print sling from Herman Millerkids or whatevs. Nix it all. If you really want to give her the absolute best present, put your apron on and feed that hungry breastfeeding new mommy. Here are 2 suggestions:

banana bread
Nigella's recipe is heaven (if like me you are creeped out by raisins in your bb, leave them out). The secret of this one is a shot of Jamaican rum in the batter. Double the recipe and do 2 loaves. Boobmommy will inhale them pronto.

cinnamon rolls
A most excellent recipe is to be found here at Confessions of a Pioneerwoman. This chick is like the Cooks Illustrated for the Mommy world. And she doesn't do haute-gourmet stuff. She just does dang fine things like these rolls. And she takes lots of pictures of hot men rounding up cattle.

Okay, so you've baked your socks off. Now it's time to follow these directions very closely:

Deliver food to doorstep. Leave it with a note. In your note, swear you won't come and see the baby for at least 10 days. Knock, and go away. Now, that's friendship!

Crabmommy bio

As promised, I will brief you monthly on the exciting new inventions I'm working on. It's truly amazing how many bright ideas can pop into an otherwise empty head on occasion, as Mommy Einstein proved. But her day has been and gone. Now it's Crabmommy's turn to rake it in and at the risk of sounding boastful—people, it's gonna happen. I am just loaded with clever concepts for Mommydom!

Last month I previewed the Baby Bjorn Clip-On Food Visor™. This month, Crabmom showcases another nifty invention designed to aid the mom on-the-go:

Ambient Legmower™
What busy mom has time to shave her legs? In the shower? You mean while Colicky Colette wails from her bouncy chair next to the tub? You mean while toddler Havana harasses Mommy from beyond the curtain, tossing Chapsticks into the loo and vacuuming the floor with Mommy's Sonicare toothbrush? Indeed, there is no worse venue for leg shaving than the bathroom. And as for time, what mother has any of that to spare on a single activity? Today's mom must multi-task.

That's why Mom needs the Ambient Legmower™. Developed by a busy mom-on-the-go, the Ambient Legmower works while Mom works. With its handy compact design (think lint buzzer or pencil sharpener with a closed-in casement to catch the leg-shavings), this sleek-lined shaving machine straps to your ankle and gently, discreetly, moves with the leg while Mom ambulates, adjusting to the natural contour of her leg with its patented Silhouette Sensor™.

With its unique mow-while-you-go movement and a whisper-quiet triple-bladed mechanism, the busy mom's mobile razor saves her time, sanity, and stubble embarrassment. Easy to program, the Ambient Legmower™ is the perfect present for the mom in motion.

So, what do you think, moms? Is this genius or what?

Crabmommy bio

Whenever I feel lazy to do the laundry I tell myself I am doing something for the environment.

It's amazing how inertia can look like activism. Don't feel like doing laundry? Why, my dear, cast it as a green-friendly move. Does the world really need another wash of tot's filthy pants? Does washing her hair really measure up to not washing it? I mean, unless you're using expensive green shampoos and detergents, by washing your kid's encrusted bib or scalp you are in fact just further polluting the enviro!!

Such is my thinking when I am feeling especially incapable of doing housework, which is a great deal of the time. I think this is an improvement on my otherwise rather negative attitude. To cast things in a positive light is new for me. So I plan to work very hard at keeping it up. Which means I plan to work very hard at doing not much of anything. Which is actually doing something. For the world. And therefore for my child. So what this means is by not taking care of her properly, or the house she lives in, I am actually taking great care of her in the long run. I am also giving her a positive example of what humans can be: Crabmommy, steward of the planet.

Do I hear some snickering? Before you raise an eyebrow at the unsightly egg-caked leggings of Crabtot and that sticky dandelion puff of unwashed hair, get a load of this: I wash my Ziplock bags. It doesn't get greener than that. I wash them every day. Unless they've had leftover lamb kebobs in them for several weeks. Then I let them go.

Washing Ziplocks. This is serious eco-mom stuff. And, ahem, them Ziplocks are pricey for this cheapmommy.

Crabmommy bio

It 's always swell to receive advice on parenting. And nothing could be more helpful than this fantastic pamphlet made available to me through Crabtot's daycare: "Wyoming First Lady's Family Night Presents...The Year of the Connected Family." Quite a mouthful, but wait, there's a subtitle: "A smorgasbord of fun, easy, and practical ways to connect with your family." I decided to read it. After all, it's not every day that you receive advice with the word "smorgasbord" in it.

A smorgasbord indeed. As a result, I have now learned numerous strategies for keeping my family together, such as:

1. "Surprise your family. Declare tonight's dinnertime 'Backward Night.' Have everyone put their clothes on backwards, turn their chairs around backwards, and eat dessert first."
Um. Okay. If you say so, First Lady. I mean, this sounds a little bizarre to me. But if keeping my family connected means eating the peach cobbler in advance of the steak while my jeans-butt gapes over my lap, who am I to say no?

2. "Make Aggressions Cookies."
That's right. When you're feeling ticked off, don't whack your tot like some kind of Crabmomster; make cookies together! (In a nutshell, the point of this activity is to make a very unyielding cookie dough that you and the kids can bash together in rage! Excellent!)

So many top tips...so little time. A last snippet: something called Family Night in which, we are assured that while playing games or reading a book together, "it's okay to be silly!"

Thanks! I needed that reassurance. I didn't know that silliness was acceptable on Family Night. But in Wyoming at least, it is. I can be silly, and that's okay. My First Lady tells me so.

Crabmommy bio