Meanmommy, or Why Crabmom Shouldn't Hike
After the anonymity of NYC, being in a place where everyone knows your name sounded appealing. But small-town friendliness only works if you're friendly. If you're mean and gossipy, it's not good. Even if you do your mean, gossipy thing while hiking up a jagged peak in the middle of nowhere. Because your middle of nowhere is the same nowhere that everyone who knows your name likes to hike. So you should keep your mouth shut when you hike. Idiot. I mean, what were you doing hiking anyway? You hate hiking!
I promised when I started blogging that I wouldn't spare myself from scrutiny and judgment. So I give you another tidbit from the Crabmommy vault of shame. This time, I was doing what nobody should ever do: I was gossiping about another mom, remarking on how overweight she had become since having her tot. Appalling, I know. But when I hike I get nasty, and when I get nasty I'm liable to insult even another mother. Especially another mother. Yes, I know! I'm AWFUL!
So I said she was fat. And then I said she had a pretty face and my husband said no she wasn't pretty and I said she was lovely pre-partum when she was thin and he disagreed. And then we looked up: directly at her brother making his way down the hill toward us.
I wanted to slip on a boulder and disappear forever into the lake to my left. But I held it together and we paused and chatted as though this were a happy surprise. And after he disappeared, we did a volume test: Crabhubby went up, I assumed our original position and repeated the nasty things I'd said. He shook his head as I gabbed. No, he couldn't hear.
We decided the wind direction had saved us. But we'll never be sure. Maybe the brother had heard. But, unlike some Crabtowners, he just knows when to keep his mouth shut.
Crabmom, I'm just going to go ahead and say it: how can you be talking about post-partum weight when by your own admission you have a jiggly mom-flap tyre around your mid-section that gets in your way during yoga? I really want to just get to the point and say that I am disappointed in you. As the nicer half of your personality, I have to say, you can really be crass sometimes, not to mention a real momocrite.
Do better next time.
--The Better Half of CMom
Crabmommy. You crack me up. Maybe you should avoid hiking.
Oh yes. If it makes you feel less creepy, I will share my own sordid gossip gone wrong story. I once commented, to other friends, on how large a pregnant friend was so early on in her pregnancy. Why?! What matters is growing a healthy kiddo right? I can't even blame that one on hiking. I'm so ashamed!
Have you seen the movie 'Steel Magnolias?'
"If you can't say something nice, come sit next to ME!"
Talking about others is a nice way of dealing with my own faults-denial!