Because I've been so in tune with motherhood for, well, over three years now and blogging about it for almost one year, it's not surprising that I've developed a certain clairvoyance when it comes to other mothers. I see you, and I know things about you. And even if I can't see you, I feel your presence out there and I can divine truths about your parental style, your tot, yourself. I know, for example, that one of you Capricorns reading this very post ate your child's remaining Gummi worms yesterday while she was at preschool and then lied to her about it when she came home. I know one of you Geminis truly cannot stand your little son's best friend and so even though you don't want to be, you're always a weentsy bit snippy and mean with him on play-dates. You feel bad about it, but he's just such an irritating little boy. And that name! What were they thinking?

Because it's my job to share my expertise, I've decided to bring you monthly mommy horoscopes—momoscopes—here at Cookie. As with all things Crabmommy, the outlook will be bleak. It 'aint pretty, what fate has in store for you this January with your offspring, but you might as well face it:

Capricorn: Be careful with your loose lips. Small ears hear big faux pas and once again, your comments about a relative will get you into trouble.

Aquarius: Your spouse planned something special for your birthday, but then forgot to order it until it was too late. And the Fedex charge was so outrageous. So that's why you're getting the Amazon package again.

Pisces: Prepare for an awkward conversation. You should never have told that one mom what you thought of that other mom when she said that one thing to you about that other mom's kid. Because the mom you told would have been better off not knowing what the other mom thinks about her kid. Besides, she can't be trusted. She's actually saying something nasty about your kid right now.

Aries: It's true your methods of discipline haven't been working and that you could benefit from some fresh new ideas. Unfortunately, you haven't got any and nor has anyone else around you.

Taurus: Things have been going so well in the potty-training department and you're sure you're only weeks away from disposing with the pull-ups. Hang onto them. You're so not done yet!

Gemini: You wonder why your little boy is asking you about cigarettes. It's because the babysitter stole some from your secret stash. Really, it is time to quit once and for all. But you won't. Not this month, anyway.

Cancer: Your child will destroy a favorite item of your wardrobe this month, but take heart: it wouldn't have fitted you ever again. Because that extra inch of post-partum back-fat is here to stay.

Leo: You can't put your finger on it but you feel as though you've forgotten something important with potentially embarrassing consequences. Well, you have and yes, you will be mortified next week when you remember.

Virgo: Your siblings have been talking about your kids and their sleep problems all month long. One of them plans to lecture you about it, and you will have a big fight. But honestly, what did you expect after everyone had to put up with that screaming all through Christmas week? Get that Weissbluth book out again and this time, stick to it.

Libra: Yes, your partner promised to help more with the housework and made all those resolutions. But by month's end you'll be right back where you started: doing all the dishes and pulling giant wads of lint from the washing machine. As usual.

Scorpio: You swore you wouldn't ever spank your naughty tot again. But I'm afraid you'll break that promise this month. Oh, well, buck up. You're not alone. In fact, as we speak, at least twenty two thousand mothers worldwide are breaking that promise too!