because i said so
Many of my friends and fellow moms in the US consider me a tough, strict, perhaps too-old fashioned mom who frequently seeks "mommy time." On the other hand, my mother in South Africa thinks I'm indulgent and over-focused on my child. So which am I?
"Stop answering all her questions!" my mom said while we were staying with her on vacation. "You don't have to explain everything to a three-year-old."
Maybe it's not so much countries as generations that bring to bear on the question. The mom culture around us encourages us to parent our children with positive reinforcement, to answer all questions, encourage constant self-expression, explain all the punishments (or "consequences"), and above all, to always be involved and present. On the other hand, so many of our maternal forebears come from the school that answers the question "Why?" with the wildly enlightening "Because I said so." And having been asked the same questions fifty times this past vacation, and having offered epic marathon explanations as to why we shouldn't emit bloodcurdling screams for no reason, put candy in the bath and so on, it's quite appealing to hear someone suggest I not bother. It's sort of like having someone tell you that spanking is absolutely harmless, and actually entirely beneficial; i.e., a refreshing point of view against the trend.
I guess I'm never quite sure where I stand on the evolution of parenting style. In a related point, I've made a conscious effort to be open to alternative ways of being a mom, knowing that screaming myself hoarse—a natural tendency channeled by mega-crabacious genes on both sides of my family—might not be the best way to raise Crabtot. That said, I have a certain impatience with the sort of soothing, patient, and ever-attentive parenting that dominates our present culture. Moreover, it can feel insincere to me—like playing a part rather than being a real mom. Not to mention how exhausting it is to keep up the act.
So while I've tried to learn new and alternative ways of handling my child (and found merit in some of the strategies), I think there's also merit in balancing that out with a good strong dose of the old-school negative reinforcement that once was the norm. You know, the kind of mothering style in which tots are ignored when they're annoying and told to be quiet when they talk too much. Seriously, imagine a time when bedtime takes three minutes, little kids can lose at games, and you don't make a bad or a good choice—you just don't get a choice. Period. Now run along to bed, poppet—you're having an early night tonight! Why? Because I said so.
What do you think? Are we too soft on our kids? Is there such a thing as being too attentive?
Oh yeah, we are definitely in a time where we put our children on pedestals. I know my parents and my husband's parents just shake their heads in awe at how childcentric we can get. Personally, I like benevolent neglect.
"benevolent neglect" I love it! Wish I had coined it. can I steal it?
Of course! BTW, I loved your posts from South Africa.
just some quotes from an article i have read recently, which made me re-think my way of constant explaining thigs/decisions/consequences to my 2 years old daughter:
(...)In his latest book, ?The Happiest Toddler on the Block,? Dr. Karp tries to teach parents the skills to communicate with and soothe tantrum-prone children. In doing so, however, he redefines what being a toddler means. In his view, toddlers are not just small people. In fact, for all practical purposes, they?re not even small Homo sapiens.
Dr. Karp notes that in terms of brain development, a toddler is primitive, an emotion-driven, instinctive creature that has yet to develop the thinking skills that define modern humans. Logic and persuasion, common tools of modern parenting, ?are meaningless to a Neanderthal,? Dr. Karp says.(...)
?The No. 1 precipitant to child abuse is the kid who cries and gets upset and doesn?t settle down and whines and whines,? says Robert Fox, professor of psychology at Marquette University(...)
But Dr. Karp?s method of toddler communication is not for the self-conscious. It involves bringing yourself, both mentally and physically, down to a child?s level when he or she is upset.(...)For instance, a toddler throwing a tantrum over a cookie might wail, ?I want it. I want it. I want cookie now.?
Often, a parent will adopt a soothing tone saying, ?No, honey, you have to wait until after dinner for a cookie.?
Such a response will, almost certainly, make matters worse.(...)?You want. You want. You want cookie. You say, ?Cookie, now. Cookie now."(...)
The goal is not simply to repeat words but to make it clear that you hear someone?s complaint. ?If you were upset and fuming mad, I might say, ?I know. I know. I know. I get it. I?m really really sorry. I?m sorry.? That sounds like gibberish out of context,? he says. (...)
from:
Coping With the Caveman in the Crib
By TARA PARKER-POPE/NYT February 5, 2008
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/05/health/05well.html?_r=1&oref=slogin
Tara,
Thanks so much for stopping by. We love when the NYTimes wants to hang with Cookie! Your piece was most interesting. Karp's methods for toddlers are not unfamiliar to me. But I confess to having tried to talk that way to my kiddo (going to their level, saying, "you're really mad now --look at your face!" etc.)...and in fact this is the method they use at her preschool. I find it interesting. And it makes a certain amount of sense. But. How can I put this? It feels weird to me when i do it. It doesn't feel natural. Yes, I know, I shouldn't care if I look stupid when dealing with my child....but somehow I still do and I question things that feel highly unnatural.
I haven't given up. I still try it sometimes. I love Harvey Karp nd he helped me so much with my colicky baby. But there are moments when all this attempt to understand toddler behavior just doesn't register for me. Life is busy. Toddlers can be annoying. And I think by the time we figure them out and find magic methods that really work, they're all grown up.
Thanks for sharing your piece here. Readers, def check it out.
sayda, apologies for incorrecctly thinking i was talking to the NYTimes article writer. Clearly I have delusions of grandeur. Or am going mad. Or both. Anyway, welcome and thank YOU for the article snippet.
I believe there is both a cultural and a generational difference in raising children today.
One of the major cultural differences, for instance, is that other cultures are more family oriented. I mean, families spend a lot of time together. Thus, everybody helps to raise the children - parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts. You don't feel isolated as a parent. On the other hand, other cultures can be more rigid in disciplining and dealing with children.
Generationally speaking, there's a huge difference. I believe we, parents of today, are not so strict as our parents were. We spank less. We talk more. We give way more positive reinforcement. We avoid 'put-downs' because we know better than our parents did back then.
Still, sometimes we find ourselves doing things just like our parents did, but for the most part we are developing our own way of doing things. We have to adapt to today's parenting styles. In this sense, we are all transitioning from the way we were raised to our own way of raising our children.