How apropos that I happened to read your post today. I have a 16-month-old son and am expecting a daughter in May. This pregnancy wasn't planned, but of course we're thrilled. My home is filled with boy "stuff," including bedding, toys...and just has a general air of blue and cars and bugs. Totally ungirly, right? So imagine my surprise when someone told me this past weekend that I just *had* to have a shower to get girl things. I hated the fact that I had a shower with my first born. It was a surprise (that my husband spilled the beans about, thank God), and he literally had to drag me out the door to go. It's not that I was ungrateful, but I'm not one who believes in congregating solely for the purpose of bestowing gifts on someone who will likely return what I bought her anyway. I'm not having a second shower. I agree with you - mama should've saved the stuff to begin with. Sure, my little girl will have some new clothes in the "appropriate" colors, but she'll also wear some of the more neutral things her big brother wore. I shopped that way on purpose. I was honestly annoyed that this "friend" was pushing so hard for me to create a registry and push someone (but not her) into throwing me a shower, and I hope that those closest to me know me well enough to understand that I don't expect - or want - a second shower. I saved everything for a reason - so that no one would feel obligated or inclined to spend more money on me. Want to give me a gift for the new baby out of the kindness of your heart? Go right ahead, but know that I certainly don't expect one.

I've heard of second or third time moms with a large gap between children having showers that request the guests bring a gently used item from their own collection, or from a thrift store. I'd be a little more okay with something like this, but definitely not okay with the mom registering for more big-ticket items when the first child is less than...oh, I don't know...5 years old.

Great post - I look forward to reading what others have to say.

My second was a girl, and all my friends began asking me if I was having a shower. I told them a firm 'no' because it is a breach in etiquette to have a shower for your second baby. Plus, I hate hate hate baby showers. And bridal showers. The only showers I like are the ones where I can actually take time to shave my legs. My shower for my first was a couples shower, where we had an open bar and gourmet appetizers. So really, it was a cocktail party. When I said I didn't want a shower for the second everyone looked offended. I didn't care. Then I had to endure all of the rude comments about how I haven't bought a thing for the new baby. To which I replied, "I don't need anything. She can wear blue. I hate pink. If I have a shower everyone will buy pink." Then they ambushed me. I was TOLD I was going to attend a birthday party at my favorite local restaurant. It turned out to be a 'surprise' shower. Boy was I surprised. So, I had to open all the pink stuff. The good thing was that it was all over in 2 hours and nobody played any games. Maybe it had to do with my threat to leave if any games were even mentioned. But, to my credit I did not register for any of my showers. I think that's the ultimate in presumption, like restaurants that add in the gratuity.

I'm right there with both of you, mck and mommyrella. Interestingly I brought up this conversation over at Offsprung.com and quite a few people think I'm too mean on this one. But my feeling is just that there is so much PRESUMPTUOUSNESS out there when people are preggers. Gives new meaning to EXPECTANT mom. But it also extends to those around you. As you said mommyrella, when you aren't into buying for your baby people get on your case about it. It's not for nothing that we live in a place where a store called BUY BUY BABY can flourish, eh?

I'm ll for close friends throwing a party and for parents/pals to ask you exactly what you need when the time comes. But it's the businesslike and presumptuous registering stuff that gets on my case. and for a second baby? No excuse. Zero.

Well, all of my reasons for hating second (and third, and fourth) baby showers have already been mentioned. I think second baby showers are a terrible rudeness and definitely presumptuous. I am 4 months along with my second and have not been questioned about a shower yet. I know my family won't even ask because they feel the same way I do, but I'm sure there are others out there who will want to know why there isn't a shower going on. No thanks. I don't think you are being rude at all.

ettiquite, schmettiquite. folks, this has nothing to do with any stupid breach of ettiquite, and everything to do with common sense. shame on the rude mommy who agrees to registering again. but, imagine throwing a diaper party! cases or a bag of diapers and wipes and perhaps some onesies in the event it was truly a surprise pregnancy. imagine coupons for free babysitting on behalf of a friend. enough with the fluffy trendy must-haves and let's get back to absolutely-have-to-have, shall we?

I don't think there is anything wrong with a 2nd shower or a registry. However, this particular party to which you have been invited CM has been orchestrated in a VERY tacky manner.

In the 'old days' a baby shower was meant to help the new mom set up and get ready for baby. I think those days are gone. A baby shower now is to welcome the baby to the family/community. I think that if your friends want to have a party for your 'newest'babies honour they may.

It might also help if the 2nd, 3rd, 4th children were given a 'welcome' party instead of a 'shower'.

I like it when a couple registers for their wedding and don't mind when parents register for baby gifts. It means if I am having trouble choosing a gift, I can call and ask where to look. What I don't like is being offered the information before I ask.

Moms, keep your lists to yourselves, if we are in a bind we'll ask for the registry. Otherwise, accept the gifts we choose graciously.

MK
http://mommyknows.com (really I do!)

Just a few weeks ago, I was "invited" to a shower and informed of subsequent registry for a woman I barely know. I ignored the registry and bought a set of the "Baby Be of Use" books (and resisted the mighty temptation to include a bottle of gin).

When my 3 year old (second child who missed the whole showering thing and is showing no signs of any permanent scarring) heard me complaining about the shower to another mom--because I hate showers but LOVE to complain--he said, "But mom, that's silly, babies just take baths." And right he is.

oh yes the shower thing. I have vague memories of my first son's shower with my ex-employer (and husband's psycho-aunt) holding court with tales of her 2 births and feeling embarrassed that all these single women who had given me wedding gifts were now being forced to pony up again by some social ritual to celebrate the birth of my child when they did not even have a prospective sperm donor anywhere close to their horizons. For my unplanned number 2 I do not even recall if I had a shower or not (poor 2nd kid!) but fear one may have been thrust upon me. Thankfully my friends are too cynical to play games and since I was having a boy no one felt the need to buy me pink layettes.
One of the best gifts I ever received was a few worn and loved things that a cousin sent me. She included a new onesie but the 2nd hand overalls and fleece top were worn the most. I recently handed the fleece top along to my younger brother - his son is the 4th little boy to wearing it and it is going strong. Pass on your used kids clothes and even if they don't get it initially, once they see how much money it takes to keep a small person clothed they will....

Wow, Crabmommy. I am understanding how you felt on the Offsprung board! I posted this question (with a poll) on a local mom board that has almost 1500 members. The large majority of people (3 people voted that it would be tacky) have said that showers are just to "celebrate the new baby" and that every baby should get one even if there are 16 babies in just as many years. Of course, a lot of those mommies claiming celebration added that they "needed more stuff" for the second and third and fourth so why not? If you want to celebrate each baby, then throw a BBQ a few months after the new bundle is here and don't include a registry! That is a true celebration and should definitely involve alcohol. :) A shower is for "showering with gifts" whether you specifically spell it out or not.

Are we the same person? Because I was just thinking about this topic. I got an evite from the sister of a friend who is having her third baby. She had a shower for baby #2, and is now having another shower (they are calling it a sprinkle!) for baby #3. And the kicker? All three kids are BOYS! And, my friend is the biggest shopaholic I've ever known. She puts celebrities to shame. She has every known baby item under the sun. So, now I am invited to this 3rd shower (yeah, yeah, sprinkle), and I am supposed to bring a dish to share and something small for the baby. And? Now they live 2.5 hours away.

it is too ironic i stumbled across this when the epidemic in our surrounding community seems to be, not the second, but the THIRD child shower. it's contagious! two moms threw one for the friend that's having twins as her third child (ok, quasi-digestable) and then every other mom-friend pair in town decided she had to host one for her friend or she wouldn't be a good mommy friend, would she? ironically, everyone doing the throwing and receiving was having a third, hence indirectly reaping the benefit of their little party. vile vile vile. another reason to run like hell from this stay at home planet.

hmmmm...I'm not sure I agree with you on this one CM. I got pregnant with my 2nd ( a girl) when my son was 5. A close neighbor really wanted to throw a shower for me, so she did and only invite about 7 - 10 of my closest friends/family. I also registered...but only for diapers, newborn clothes and other small items. On the flip side...I would not think twice about going to a second shower for a friend. Because really...I live in the country and welcome any opportunity to hang out with my buds...even if I have to pay $40 to do so ;)

I think the second shower depends on how far apart are the ages of the children. My sister in law had her second baby 10 years after the first. It was like having a first baby. Did we really expect her to be crazy enough to hold onto baby stuff for 10 years? (In this case the breastpump sure would have gotten on ebay.) However, I feel that second time around should be like a second marriage: celebrating is okay, but don't ask for wants that you should be able to get yourself.
I think that people do the second and third shower thing because they want to celebrate each child's birth in the same manner. A balance of egotism and guilt, I suppose. I don't think that having a party is a bad idea. Of course the guest list should be different and if there is a registry, it should be only diapers, wipes, and other necessities. If people want to do extra, then that should be their perogative. But let's be for real, no matter what you say, people are going to do what they want for the first baby. I asked people not to buy pink or too girly stuff. Do you think they listened to me? HA! So if I had a boy next, I would be needing some stuff. I'd like to believe, however, I'd go on and buy it rather than ask for it.

I think it might be nice if we spent less time judging other moms.

armeyer,
I know in a perfect world we're not meant to judge each other but you know what? We do. And IMO, bad etiquette courts just the sort of judgment I'm giving it. To be mean-spirited is uncool and I don't like mindless bitchy-mom stuff. But I think judging the poor behavior of others is entirely relevant. And moms are no less guilty (and very often, more so) of living in their own narcissistic world than anyone else. Those who like second baby showers and registries will continue to promote this unfortunate trend in spite of what I have to say about it. But hey, at least I tried.

Wow, I can't believe how many of you commenters sound like you have a huge chip on your shoulder.
I don't know anyone who doesn't like babyshowers. And I surely didn't know that subsequent showers (or sprinkles) were considered an epidemic until I read this blog. Crabmommy, you have every right to not want to attend that babyshower but that doesn't mean EVERYONE having a 2nd shower is guilty of being frivolous or selfish. Some of us had to have a yardsale to help pay for medication or even buy a tank of gas last year (my husband's a real estate agent) and/or we handed down baby stuff to friends (or strangers) who happen to come from unsupportive (or nonexistent) families and therefore never had the joy of having even their FIRST baby shower. Yeah, I did that and I did it knowing that I would get it all back via a second baby shower for my second child because I'm just that lucky to have folks in my life who dig that kinda thing.
Baby showers aren't evil. No one's forcing you to attend or buy anything. You're all wasting energy being so hateful. Come on!

oh apple-s! "Hateful" was not the intent. Tongue-in-cheek? Tart? Opinionated? Can we use those words instead?

Look. No one in their right mind would accuse anyone in the scenarios you describe of being rude mommies. I am talking about the not-at-all-desperate and in fact quite presumptuous new trend of comfortable moms expecting a zillion things (off a registry no less) just because they have chosen to spawn.
It was meant to be a devil's advocate position. I just wanted to point out that we moms should not always think only of ourselves and our own, especially if we can afford to buy our own damn organic cotton onesies!!!

2nd shower-supporting moms, please don't be too mad at the Crabmom! If a mom-blog isn't either cracking you up or touching a nerve once in a while, really, why bother reading it?

hi. good for you. i told everyone that all gifts hsould be either second hand or if not, neutral enough so that if i wanted to donate them they would donate nicely. I didnt want a shower either, but it was forced upon me, so i made up my own rules on gifts. i try extremely hard to buy everything second hand, and if not then i do donate everything back as she grows out of it. my nanny switched to cotton diapers because of us, and i give her all the ones we haev grown out of.