Yes, it's that time of the month.

Time for Crabmommy, also known as Astromommy, to grab her crystal ball and see what the stars have in store for you. As you may know, I have many weaknesses as a mother, but I also have strengths in the department of maternal clairvoyance. Yes, I have visions, mommies. Sometimes I see individuals out in the mommy universe having specific experiences; other times I see giant clumps of you moms experiencing something more vague and general. Always I see mothers. Mothers behaving badly. Mothers with children behaving badly. Mothers in various states of duress. Yes, sad to say the Crabmommy sees suffering more often than not. It's my glass-half-full persona that makes me tap into the negative energy of the universe. Can't help it.

Without further ado, your monthly momoscope:

Aries: So maybe the tot's extra-curricular classes are a bit pricey. Maybe you should hang out at home making fairy mobiles out of twigs and leaves! In fact you've assembled some great craftastic ideas to that effect. In a binder, no less! You plan on using it this month. As it turns out, you won't. You're too lazy. Fairy mobiles? Please. It's all you can do to lie awake on the floor while Tot's in the dance class.

Taurus: You're really playing the martyr this month. But your husband thinks he's the one with the heavy load. Which is why you're headed for a big old marital tiff this month. So, defy the stars! Instead of arguing, why not get yourselves a MartyrMeter?

Gemini: Expect to find yourself in the car an awful lot. Again. You're a tad ticked off about that car pool thing. I mean, you've been getting the motherload re. giving rides to other people's kids. This month  you've been promised payback. Except that the mom in question pleads sickness. Oh dear. Oh well.

Cancer: No sense in getting depressed by that mom-flap of extra skin at your midriff when frankly you've had every opportunity to exercise it away, but have preferred to watch Netflix in your free time with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. This month you'll fixate on the mom-flap again but I don't see you at the gym. Maybe next month? We'll have to wait and see.

Leo: Could this be true? Good news? Leo, this is WEIRD. Usually I can only see the negative stuff. But here I see one of you Leos out there, a quite gorgeous blonde in the South, going on a sudden and delightful child-free trip...involving a bit of extra cash...and shopping...and good girl friends...and I see a really sassy yellow silk blouse that suits you perfectly and makes you feel all MILFy. Wait, sorry. That's your sister. (Don't be mad! You guys look so alike!)

Virgo: You've promised yourself you'll keep up that sudden flurry of interest you had in politics, but here you are reading Cookiemag again rather than those links your spouse bookmarked. But don't feel too guilty. You voted in the primary. Your voice was heard. Now go see that cute toadstool in the Nesting blog.

Libra: Someone else is going to clean and detail your car inside and out. You wish! Sadly this month the only person cleaning that car is you. Because you can't stand another minute. Those crushed goldfish on the back seat. The tissues. The shoes. The crud and mud. Good news: you will finally clean it! Bad news:  the tot will spill chocolate milkshake all over the booster seat right after.

Scorpio: Another month of library Storytime and yes, it's dead boring. Tip: while listening to the Good Morning song pretend you're in prison. You're in those pants. Making license plates. Talking to your kids on the pay-phone. Open your eyes. See? Storytime isn't so bad after all.

Sagittarius: It will feel completely rude when your mom-friend offers you advice on handling your kid. BUT let's face it, you did ask her to be honest about how the playdate went. I know, you didn't really want her to be honest. Next time, just say thanks and leave. Don't ask and they're less likely to tell. 

Capricorn: Once again you're lame-ing out on that promised girls' night out. Amazing how fun these events sound until you put them in ink in your datebook! Don't worry: you'll be up for cocktails and catching an indie band some other time. One day. Maybe.

Aquarius: You've been forgetting things lately and you're going to continue this trend. They say it's post-partum hormones. For some people this goes on way beyond the new-mom phase. For some people forgetfulness absorbs right into the maternal tissue, forever. Sad but true. So you know, you should just...uh...er...ummmm....what was I talking about? Can't remember.

Pisces: Yet another baby shower this month. And the invite comes with a pricey registry. Who does she think she is? You're appalled! Still, you'll go because it's too awkward to get out of and you're not good at lying. Never mind. The grub will be good.