because we need advice
Nothing is more prolific than parenting advice. But why is much of it so obvious and lame? Beats me, but I certainly get a chuckle from the many completely stupid and/or self-evident things told to new moms in the guise of expertise. So much so that I have catalogued several choice pieces over the course of this blog. Read them and enjoy in the Because We Need Advice archives. Because it's really quite amusing to waste time on totally useless parenting tips (especially when you should be unpacking boxes).
Sometimes it's not the advice-givers so much as the advice-seekers that need to get a clue: Pampers.com has an "Ask the Experts page" rife with silly questions from clueless folk. Here are some snippets from their Q and A forum. I took the liberty of ignoring the expert answers here and just giving them myself. After all, I am Crabmommy, Expert Mother and Counselor in my own right...right?
Q: How should I respond when my 7-month-old tries to eat the book I'm reading to him?
A: Wow. This certainly is a key area of concern and I can see why you wrote in. I'd take it as a sign that, strange as it may seem, your kid might not give a rip about reading at the grand old age of 7 months. Or else he just wants a Cheerio. Probably both. Advice? Blow off the early literacy program. You can always come back to it when Grandma sends him flashcards for his first birthday.
Q: Could the behavior swings of my 2-year-old be due to schizophrenia?
A: More important, could your asking this question be due to extreme neurosis? Get yourself checked out. I'm worried.
Q: How do I teach my 4-year-old daughter not to kiss boys on the lips?
[For this one, I'm actually going to quote the original advice-giver's answer. Because it's utterly priceless. And from an MD no less.]
First, don't freak out. Children's sexual behavior can be upsetting to us, but it's usually innocent exploration. She has seen people do this in the media and has had no indication that it is not usual and acceptable behavior...
"Sexual behavior?"
"Not usual and acceptable...?"
Huh? We're talking about tots kissing here, not third base, Doc! Good LAWD, these people are nuts.
I'll leave you with that one. And Pampers.com, I will be back, for you have many choice nuggets for the Crabmommy to mock. You also have a most promising tab on your website called the Pampers Parenting Institute (PPI). Stay tuned, everyone.
Seriously, how dumb is this stuff? Anyone else got a parenting advice doozy to share? Something totally lame you were told to do with your offspring?
When my son had started solids I asked one of the mum's at the children's center I often went to for advice on foods and appetising meals for a baby. She started saying I could take cherry tomatoes, stuff them with some polenta and... and there she completely lost me, as if I was going to stand in the kitchen all day stuffing cherry tomatoes with polenta and something I didn't hear due to shock horror!
harpa: totally relate--at a bday party i was complaining about the poor food at my kid's first daycare...another mom's advice: she tells me to teach my child to say the following words every time she's offered food by anyone:
"is it organic?"
I have one of those weird vitamin friends, whom I love otherwise, but she is always trying to get me to stuff my children full of them. I hate vitamins. She tells me they are a panacea for all ills. I even got a cassette tape (who has a cassette player anymore?) in the mail and a nice letter from her dealer/pusher. Don't worry, I have no trouble telling her to bugger off. But she likes to slip evangelistic comments into her everyday speech, like 'I forgot to give little Johnny his vitamins for 2 days and now he's got leprosy. I'm such a nitwit and I'll never forget again.' Ugh. So annoying.
Oops. Sorry Grammama. The sentence should have read 'WHO I love otherwise.'
I was at a b-day party for my co-worker's 6-year-old daughter. I decided to leave early for a number of reasons, one because my daughter was really sleepy and hadn't taken a nap all day. The excuse that I gave when I was asked (at 6:30p) why I wasn't staying for cake, ice-cream and gift opening was that "my daughter is really sleepy and needs to go home and take a nap. I don't want her to get overtired." (Which everyone could see was happening). My co-worker's grandmother told me, "umph…it's bad luck to make a baby go to sleep". And then she went to tell me about her children and grandchildren who hardly ever took naps. Many of these children (adults and teens) were in the room. I took a very discreet glance around the room and then stated, "really? that is interesting...well, okay...thank you for having us, we really appreciate it...".
vitamin-pushers...thankfully none of those near me. yet. As for "bad luck to make a baby go to sleep": I think we all know it's bad luck to make them stay awake too long.
Maybe not the worst,but the most annoying advice, "teach your baby sign language". I heard it all the damn time b/c I teach special education and I know sign language. No Thanks. She'll be nagging me soon enough. I know my daughter pretty well. She doesn't need to make gross hand gestures for me to know she wants milk! All she needs to do is cry, I can smell her bottom, look at my watch to see if she might need a nap, and offer her some milk. Thanks but no thanks.
Yes, I was kind of tilting my 9 month old up and down (where he ended up upside down), and my great grandmother commanded in alarm, "STOP THAT! You're gonna turn his liver over!"
Yes, she was serious.
At my father's wake, my cousin Cindy told me she got the best parenting advice *ever* from my dad when she was a new mom. He told her that no child ever cried itself to death while its mother had another cocktail.
ha, jwoods. that's a goodie!
As for the liver....what is it with those grandmas I keep hearing about, peeps? Honestly, it's as though they never had babies themselves.
So after kiddo #2's dental surgery on her front four teeth I was told to not let her have ANY hard candy/suckers hard food things like carrots/apples...
OK, OK, so I know the candy is not good for her anyway, but really, who lives in THAT world (how else do they expect me to get errands run...I know and my kids know there are SUCKERS at the bank...)plus the fact I have an older kid too, who is allowed to have these things...like #2's just going to say, "Oh, OK, I understand, I can't have that..." So while I don't always advocate ignoring medical advice...this time it was warranted...
When our son was 2.5 he was not speaking Spanish or English & our pediatrician recommended we take him for a speech evaluation. Ultimately, I spoke with 2 Speech Language Pathologists via phone and brought him to 3 evals. The phone consults garnered these choice bits of advice from professionals with MAs: a. because you are bringing him up bilingually, he's got a 'bilingual delay' (pop American diagnosis); no need for an eval. (Don't you EVEN want to see him?) b. teach him to sign (Oh, you mean bring on a 3rd language?) His diagnosis was mild childhood apraxia, which he overcame rapidly with 7 months of therapy...with a good therapist.
To make a long story, short...when my oldest son was in Kindergarten he had problems with a classmate. According to the school this boy had "issues." (I would have labeled him "mentally disturbed.")
This boy would tease him, call him inapproriate names, push and hit him, etc. The school was aware of this boy's terrible behavior. Then one day, this boy threatened to kill my son.
The winner of the lame response award would go to the Superintendent of Schools and School Board President. They both told my husband and I that our son needed to toughen up...that this happens all the time and we better get use to it. Also this bully was "just behaving like a kid." (Odd...our children don't act this way and my son has never had problem with other classmates.)
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