When Parents Attack!
Something awful happened to me recently.
I was at a bagel place, and Crabtot was melting down as she often does in public eateries. Those of us with spunky children know that while we adore their crabacious, sassy personalities, we adore them much more when they're at preschool and might adore them even more if these preschools would start becoming useful already and turn into boarding schools. (Boarding preschools! What a brilliant idea!! But that's another post.)
Back to the scene: Crabtot was pulling a fit in this bagel place and demanding all sorts of extras on top of her chocolate milk and cookie treat. Then she got to this point in her tantrum that I simply cannot bear, where she jumps up and down and shakes her head and pokes her tongue in and out of her mouth while producing a decidedly unattractive gurgling noise, as though a poltergeist were being wrenched from her small frame.
So I grabbed her hands, dropped to my knees, and said in a stern cut-out-your-nonsense voice, complete with hissing angry-mommy noise: "Stop it right now! What a terrible noise!" And then Crabtot said something naughty back to me and then I said something along the lines of "Do you see these people around us? They are trying to have their lunch. And they do not want to hear children shouting and being rude!" Or words to that effect.
So basically I gave my kid a little lecture. And this woman looks at me, then looks at Crabtot with a pleading saccharine expression on her face, and she says the following, very loudly: "Awwwww.....she's too young to understand all that! She's just a widdle thing [yes, she spoke in a baby voice]. She doesn't understaaaaand you, do you, poooor widdle girl?!"
To which I only just managed to respond with a testy "She's not too young for discipline." To which the woman continued with her "Oh, poor thing!" talk. She cringed from imaginary blows to her own heart caused by my mean-momminess, and continued to do so until I had backed out of the restaurant, embarrassed and outraged. Obviously I should have met her halfway with a gentle "Mind your own beeswax, you rude cretinous toss!" But we rarely say what we want in the heat of the moment. And truly, I was floored.
I can't prove it but in my gut I felt this woman was a mom herself, and as such thought she should tell me how to mom my own. To her mind, Crabtot was too widdle to hear stern Crabmommy words. Ladies, I ask you, even if she had been right, how could she have had the gall to interfere? In a public place, no less! I mean, I wasn't exactly pulling Crabtot's hair while puffing on my crack pipe! (That stuff I reserve for home only.) Judging my momming? Be my guest! But keep it to yourself. Or put it on your blog. Only, don't stick it to me in public.
Trust me lady, Cwabtot isn't too widdle to know what she's doing when she's naughty. Nor is she too young to understand Mom's methods of discipline. I know you surely know better, being a complete stranger to us, but worry not: Crabtot can hold her own. After all, we're talking a kid who just promised to "boil" me.
Any of you have a busybody tell you what to do with your kids in public?
I'm still so appalled by this. Commiserate with me.
OMG I feel your rage!!! I will exercise some speach in my head to use if this ever happens to me and pray that I'll remember it!!!
This is such a funny story! I have four kids 7,5,3,1....
We have had many public meltdowns all over Tucson.
The description of the jumping up and down, tongue coming in and out, head shaking, I have experienced this "possession" with my daughter Madeline (3) many times. Anyway, You posted on my blog "Where's the Baby" on yahoo Shine and I really appreciate it. I am new to blogging and blog-dumb, really. Thanks, Laura Cockrell
Ew. What a hag! I can't believe that you had the tact to hold back on her - I think I surely would've turned into ghetto-mommy, telling her where to stick her unsolicited "advice." I have an 18-month-old son (and #2 due in 3 weeks, God help me). When he was 3 or 4 months old we were still living in NYC and shopping in Zabar's when an old woman walked up to him and took his hand (I hate when strangers touch my kid), saying, "Oh you poor little thing. Your mama has that thing shoved in your mouth because she doesn't want to hear you cry - tsk tsk, selfish mommy. Hopefully you'll learn to talk soon." Maybe it was the sleep deprivation, maybe I felt the need to keep my classiness intact - who knows - but it took every ounce of willpower not to tell her where to stick my son's pacifier. Oy. Also, baby talk? Never did the baby talk thing with him, and it drives me insane when people still try to talk to him in such a way. He looks at them like they're crazy.
Well, Crabmommy, I'm in your court on this one. First, I applaud you for doling out a disciplinary hiss to widdle crabtot in a public place. I have uttered many a hiss in the grocery store when my kids were widdle! Not that I'm some horrible Mom, (well, maybe I am and my children are just too afraid to tell me!) but I think that they need to start learning at an early age what's appropriate behavior when out and about in the world. Just this past weekend, my mother and I were down in Newport taking a lovely tour of one of the mansions while a 3-year old proceeded to take tantrumatic fits through the entire tour, while her parents said NOTHING! I tell ya, if that was my kid, I would have removed her from the tour and given her cute little 3-year old face a good talking to. BUT, I would never say a word to anyone in that situation, because well, I just don't know enough about them or their child to properly judge. It would be just plain rude. (My stepdaughter is severely mentally retarded and has fits of uncontrollable shrieking, so my husband is a frequent recipient of dirty looks and rude comments about "controlling" his daughter, so I never judge.) SO, my own personal view is that ANY outward judging or commentary on another's parenting style (judge inwardly all you want!) - whether it be for disciplining or NOT disciplining - is out and out rude.
This is really unfortunate. We all would like to say what we would have done, but you did what you had to do at the time. I think you handled it well. You had to take care of crabtot, not Ms. Asinine. You know, many people take the "it takes a village to raise a child" totally out of context. First, the village usually KNOWS one another and the children; second, the parent has verbally given permission to the village to help them raise their child; third, the villagers are willing to take care of your child (unlike the judgmental and rude people who arrogantly hiss or make stupid comments and then go on to their own lives while you have to continually live with your kid). Last, there are shifty, ruthless and stupid acting people in the village (who no one actually likes...Although who wants to believe that they are that person?) Unless a person is really part of a "village" and not just a zip code or a city resident then they really need to leave the parenting to the parent. I think that people can be helpful, but there are ways to be helpful. However, none create or heighten a divide and conquer experience between the parent and child.
Crabmommy, that sounds beyond aggravating. Since leaving the leafy streets of Brooklyn for cheaper pastures, the instances of unsolicited advice and annoying parental coaching have markedly dropped. I already regaled you on your personal blog with my tale of the neighborhood grocery store baby safety zealot who's purpose in living seemed to be saving babies from all manner of ailments caused by being momentarily hatless in the refrigerated section. In addition to that situation, I was twice accosted in public by people who were convinced that my Ergo Baby Carrier was an infant torture device. For those unfamiliar with the ERGO, it is a front carrier in which the baby rides tummy to tummy with the carrier ME with legs dangling out the sides. So there I was, innocently strolling along, with my daughter snugly strapped on to my front when I noticed a woman walking toward me with her eyes LOCKED on my daughter as if in a "must save baby" trance. Before I could even think "Do I know this woman?" she was upon us MANUALLY ADJUSTING my daughter's legs as they dangled. "WHAT?" Honestly, I do not even know how we got out of that situation, but THE NERVE! In the next ergo related incident I was again strolling along with my 10 month old firmly tucked into her Ergo when I was heckled from a cross the street by a woman shouting "HOLD THAT BABY'S HEAD UP!" My daughter, who at 10 months had long since learned how to hold up her own head if she wanted to, had purposefully tilted her head back to watch the leaves and the clouds as we walked along. If ever there was a "mind your own beeswax moment that was it. Hrumph. People.
Mamaboo. Oh. My. God. Seriously. HOLD THAT BABY'S HEAD UP!???!!!!!
I would have smashed hers to smithereens with a rock hurled from my side of the street.
Actually, I wouldn't have. because as my own story proved, I'm a wuss in the moment even as I am bold in the aftermath.
I seriosuly want to do a book of bad advice given to parents in the name of "helping" them. For the impulse buy at barnes&Noble.
okay, so that last comment was a bit psycho of me. hmm. seems someone needs to try yoga again. :)
I have to admit, I would have (perhaps I should just say have) backed out of the situation as well. My daughter is 8 and full of personality. When she was 2 and 3 I had to enforce discipline no matter where we were or she would have walked all over us. I have done time-outs and lectures in malls, restaurants (including one very nice one), public transit, parks, and her own birthday party. Apparently, I am the meanest mommy ever. After the first dozen times somebody interfered I finally got around to saying, "This is my child, not yours. You need to back off and allow me to parent her, because I do not have time to deal with you too."
I find it's very effective, because people are shocked at you actually being assertive. Now I've gone and bred again, and we'll see if I can warp my son into being a respectful and relatively well behaved child too.
I have two kids, age three and one, and for some reason, which I'm not entirely sure of, I always get unsolicited advice from perfect strangers. Once when my son was about 4 months old we were at a Farmers Market and some lady sneered "I hope you have sunscreen on that baby", to which I replied, "actually you aren't supposed to put sunscreen on babies until they are 6 months old, but he is wearing a hat and is protected by the Moby wrap I'm carrying in...oh and see that little blonde girl over there? I thought about letting the sun burn her too, but I decided instead to put sunscreen on her". When you get "advise" or comments from people, it's really hard to not just go balistic (which really is my preference) and so I try to be calm and sarcastic. Then I seethe about it on my blog and say how I really feel. Much like your story, I always enjoy the stares people give off when child is in mid tantrum at an eatery. I generally pay zero attention to my child and stare back until they catch-a-wake-up and mind their own business. My favourite is people who don't agree with public breast-feeding, the ones who are offended that you feed your child. Honestly I think my child has better breats manners than most people do table manners. Still rocking the Crabmommy blog...love it!
Uhhgg. I have a headache just reading through this! I don't know how you people can take it without saying anything, because I certainly can't! I will ALWAYS discipline our daughter(3) in public. If this means raising my voice(not SCREAMING, just making sure she's hearing me, if you know what I mean), so be it. My husband is always on my case about it! She's really horrible in public though.
Anyway, the most recent thing I can remember if it was winter(in texas, mind you) and my son threw his socks away somewhere while we were walking from the car to the store, and we could NOT find them. When we got inside, I was stopped by some scowling lady who tells me "Your baby really needs socks!"...Duh. I told her that he'd lost them and I'd just hurry up and pull some out of my butt.
That said, the other day I DID say something to someone regarding their non existent parenting skills. We were in target and this woman was talking on her cell phone, and her son, who was probably around 18mo was wailing, and she screams "SHUT UP!!" a few times, then proceeds to smack him in the face several times. Well, I really couldn't help myself and did threaten to report her to child services. I don't feel bad.
Why did you (or someone) remove that crazy woman's comments?!?!?!?! I was very entertained by them. I was hoping she would continue to say idiotic things where others can read them. What the heck! There is little as nifty in this world as someone admonishing a woman who calls herself CRABmommy for meing CRABBY!
Hi all,
Just to say I am usually very happy to have diverging and critical comments on my blog. Fire away! I say cheeky things so expect to get some back. Everyone is entirely welcome to judge me as I judge them. Heap it on, do! Fair is fair.
However, if the forum devolves into one person's endless essay-length replies or seems overly aggressive, it's my prerogative to kill it.
To those posters who are into essay-length comments on one post several times a day, feel free to post all the dissing of Crabmommy that you like. Just not on my blog. Heck, create a blog called CRABMOMMY IS A BADMOMMY! Do whatever you will. Just know that if you do it all on my blog, and all in one post, I will squish it.
Because I and my editors have the power of the MAGIC COMMENT-SQUISHING button for hyperdissing, hyperlexic commenters.
laughing out loud!
i am so not looking forward to the talking back stage, today i told her (she is 5 months) they yes, she was probably going to be calling me mean ol mommy for the next 20 years (she didnt want to take a nap). next time, tell her to mind her own beeswax but please please please do it in a sing songy baby voice.