the bottle wars
My 3.5 year old still drinks from a bottle. And I'm fine with it.
Dear Department of Child Services,
I believe the Perfect Mommy Police have called you about me. Yes, I'm the mother whose child still has a bottle and she's in preschool. I realize that Perfect Urban Motherhood has notified you about this already, but may I explain before you take my child away from me?
Okay, readers. Let's scrap the pseudo-letter. I'll make my case to you straight: my daughter drinks a bottle every morning and every evening and she is almost four. In the morning bottle she has herbal tea. She likes this tea and it's harmless. In this morning bottle I also add a drizzle of honey. Which drives her wild with joy. In the evening, before bed she has herbal tea again, minus the honey. Then after she cleans her teeth she has another slug of her "Bobby," but this time, only water in there.
A hundred years ago, when I had my daughter in Brooklyn NYC, land of Perfect Urban Motherhood, I did all the things that Perfect Mommyhood requires: I attempted natural childbirth; I breastfed, read Dr. Sears, and spent a great deal of time learning about when to introduce eggs and dairy products into the baby's diet. In short, as a PMIT (Perfect-Mother-In-Training) I smiled at the good and frowned at the bad. And then, at the appointed time ordained by the Perfect Momming Collective (PMC), I implemented a much-dreaded but very important phase: getting my child onto sippy cups.
As a Perfect Mom, I got quite antsy when my baby didn't respond perfectly to my perfect ideas. She was reluctant to take a cup and it was a constant battle. And the one day I told my own mother about how the baby bottle was not disappearing from our lives on schedule. And my mother, who has raised three children (with very straight teeth), said to me: "Why do you want her to give it up? Is it about you or her?"
Of course I made the case of Perfect Motherhood to my mom, because naturally the generations of moms before ours were themselves anything but Perfect. However, when I got to the obvious sticking point that bottles are bad for baby teeth, my mom just laughed. She told me that my sister had had her bottle for many, many years. Indeed, my adult sister can even remember her beloved "Bobby"! So that must mean she was, like, fifteen or so when she quit. (Joking, people, but she was maybe 5 or 6?) Mom told me that yes, my sis's teeth did stick out a bit after years of Bobby, but after she gave it up, her teeth went "right back down in a matter of weeks."
And then we laughed. And my mom spoke of the parenting fads and facts that changed with the advent of each of her children. And suddenly Bobby didn't bother me so much anymore.
Now I admit I may have taken things a bit far and long with Bobby. But so what? We've moved a lot and my daughter is quite a wound-up sort of gal like her mom. And Bobby gives her comfort. And then just last week I read a blog in which the blogger posted a pic of Suri Cruise to discuss her hair and whether it was dyed. And a commenter expressed concern over the bottle in the Cruiselet's hand. "Almost two and still on a bottle?" was her shocked reaction at the Holmes mothering style. And it occurred to me that it is a weird day in the world when what is shocking about the Tom Cruises is their toddler's bottle.
Thus commenced a back and forth over the bottle with the commenter expressing concern that my child would go to Kindergarten with her bottle. And there were dire warnings about jaw realignment and so forth. And I'm not knocking this woman's experience with her own kid, and certainly she would not be the first mom to think ill of baby bottles beyond the baby stage (never mind the Breast-Is-Besters who often diss all bottles altogether). But you know what? I'll take my chances. Because I can't take the hysteria. And frankly, the orthodontic nipple on Crabtot's Bobby doesn't look like something likely to inflict permanent damage on her face. So really, give me a break.
This kind of bottle talk just reminds me that Perfect Mommyhood is always out there. And I don't want to be in it anymore. Back to the bottle itself, sooner or later Crabtot will need to give it up. I suppose. Mind you, I still drink from my own Bobby and my teeth are fine!
Seriously, are bottles really bad beyond a certain age...or is this just another non-issue we moms create so we can judge each other? What's your take?
The WORST thing I ever did was to give up my daughter's pacifier. She never napped again. EVER. And she was 18 months old when I swiped it. There are so many other things to worry about that are real than whether or not the kid has a bottle or a pacifier. I think we mom's should go back to judging each other based on our clothes and husbands and leave the kids out of it. I'm kidding!
My take is that I'll take your 3.5 year old on a Bobby and raise you one: my 2 year old on 2 Bobbys in the middle of the night.
Very odd that Crabtot calls it a Bobby - mine started using "bobby" because he couldn't pronounce "bottle". We thought he was unique.
There is no perfect, just trying as hard as I can. We "co-slept" with our first until she was 14 months old, we just called it "sleeping," because the truth is it was the only way she'd sleep, which means it was the only way we could sleep.
My two year old can navigate iTunes and work a mouse like on one's business, I believe in certain circle that puts me in a very nasty league.
It works for us. So, I say let her have her Bobby.
http://hibernate.sarabearco.com
Well! Here is another example of something else to help moms feel more guilty than the world makes us feel anyway. I had to laugh when I read Crabtot is having her morning and evening tea out of a bottle. I was like, "haha...isn't that cute?" Herbal tea in a bottle in the morning and evening? Hell, that doesn't seem like a dependency that would cause worry. And her (front) teeth are going to be naturally be replaced anyway, so what? However, there might be some concern about her oral development, but I am not a pediatric dentist, so I can't speak to that issue.
The whole thing seems so stupid to me. It's one thing if you're giving your kid sugar water but if it's something perfectly benign in the bottle what's the big deal? I'm sure a dentist will give me dire statistics if I told one but I REALLY DON'T GIVE A RIP. It's all panic and hysteria. As befits our culture. (Mind you, I don't want to pay for braces so...maybe I need to hear from a ped dentist in this regard. Any dentist-moms out there?)
Crabmommy, I swear I feel like every time I post, I start with the same line, but I love you! You make me feel better every time I read your blogs.
My daughter is almost 2 and 1/2 and still gets a bottle of milk every evening. Yes, she brushes her teeth afterward, always. I feel horribly guilt-ridden and hide it from (almost) everyone. I have been creating a story about the "bottle fairy" who will be coming soon (haha) to take the bottles to some new babies who need them and leaving a gift behind for Natalie. She seems interested, but I don't know what will happen on the day I say the bottles are permanently gone, if I can ever work up to that point.
Like with crabtot, they are such a comfort to her. She never had a pacifier and doesn't like to drink milk out of cups. I, like you, hesitate to tell my dentist, and I love your comment about not giving a rip.
When I really ask myself why I want her off the bottle (it's not like she'll be carrying it to preschool with her, since she has it at night), it is about me and how others view me as a mom, not about her. So, I guess I can stop worrying about it. Yeah, we all know how that's gonna go. But, thanks. You have no idea how grateful I am!
My son just turned 3 and also still takes a bottle, AND I felt horribly guilty about it. My only consolation was that my MIL said my husband took it until he was @ 5. Thanks so much for the article, now I know he's not the only one!!! Yeah!!!
My kids would never even take a bottle - they went straight from breastfeeding to a sippy cup - so I don't have that problem, but at 4.5 and almost 22 months, neither will fall asleep without me, and my 22 month old wakes too many times at night to count. Not to be crude, but it kind of makes me happy to read that Crabtot still takes a bottle because it means you're NOT perfect. My bet is that every "perfect" mom out there tsk-tsking you for still letting Crabtot have a bottle has their own sordid mom secrets. You know that they do! They're just too uptight to tell!
tio2: I love the suggestion that I may ever have been--or have been thought of --as "perfect'! Ha! My regular readers will have a laugh. My friend, it gets WAY WORSE over here than merely letting Crabtot have at the bottle. They call me Crabmommy for damn good reason. Just wait until my section on temper tantrums. Make that Mommy's temper tantrums. It's going to be called "the Spirited Parent."
And so-called perfect parenting? They say even those who do it are harming their children. I will be writing about that too: the book I'm reading on that subject is A NATION OF WIMPS by Hara Estroff-Marano a psychologist who says "perfect" mommies are destroying their kids in a number of freaky ways...and destroying the WHOLE WORLD in the process. Brilliant stuff!
I had words with my paediatrician exactly about the same subject, plus weaning.
My one year old boy is supposed to live without bottle and milk. He listened to the doctor too, and was perturbed and sad for days, not knowing if he was allowed to drink his bottle or not.
Being raised by 2 paediatricians myself ( my mom and my grandma)I learnt something very important : everything they say changes every 20 years, and one thing that was good is bad as hell 20 years later...And back again.
My son has his bottle and I'm just 20 years ahead my time.
No kidding. I don't think children raised without bottles, security blankets, or whatever brings love and reassurance in a child's life will grow as happy, self confident adults.
I think we should be more kind with our babies.
Let them have their bottles!
a little late, but here's the dentist mommy comment you were looking for! i'm not a peds dentist, just a general family one, but advice is the same. first off, my personal confessions-our older son didn't ditch the pacifier until age 3 and second son is almost 2 and is still plugged in. so, even we're not perfect. as for crabtot's teeth-the bottle doesn't mean braces unless she's still using it when her permanent teeth arrive. so, no damage done. and, as long as you brush after she's through and use only water at night, there shouldn't be a problem with cavities. though, if she hasn't been to see the dentist for a check yet, you may want to take her for her first visit. a no-cavity checkup should absolve you of any remaining guilt!
toothfairy, I love you! Did you see that, girls? a REAL dentist says it's fine for Crabtot to keep that bottle until the big teeth come in. Thank you, tf, for your assurance and general laid-back tone. I suspected the woman telling me that her daughter needed JAW REALIGNMENT because of baby bottles was a bit off base, but everyone needs a pro to confirm. Now if only you could tell all those people who seem OBSESSED with baby Suri Cruise's bottle that the kid isn't doomed. Seriously amazing that when it comes to what's cracked in the Cruise camp, Suri's dang bottle appears to be chief culprit (according to uber-mommydom). Wacko...