million dollar mommy: the cure for whining!
Earlier in the life of this blog I came up with a series of inventions: gadgets to make parenting easier and Crabmommy richer. Modeling myself after such notable mommy millionaires as Julie Annoying-Clark from Baby Einstein, the California Baby mother, and the chick who invented a toddler-proof clasp for the toilet paper holder, I expected to the fame and fortune to come in. It hasn't. Or at least, not yet. But it will.
For it is a fact that I have invented some pretty dang cool stuff, such as:
The MartyrMeter, a hand-held device that objectively measures which parent has had a worse day, Mom or Dad.
The Baby Bjorn Clip-On Food Visor, a handy stowable food tray devised for moms who like to stuff their face with food in spite of having a giant baby clamped to their chest in a vertical baby carrier.
The PelletTracker, a device designed to locate runaway poop pellets during diaper changes.
The Ambient Legmower, a razor designed to strap to Mom's leg, in in order to mow unwanted leg-hair while multi-tasking mom is on the go!
Oh yes indeedy I had me some million dollar ideas! But then my brain just stopped. Until now. For I have developed a new gadget, people, and I am unveiling it for you today.
The WhineNot
Tired of your child's whiny voice? Has this whiny "phase" become a part of everyday life? When nothing else works, the WhineNot can. Purchase this handy gadget and, as we say, "She might still whine but to you she sounds fine!"
A simple and entirely harmless voice-altering device, the WhineNot offers a smashing solution to a pesky problem. Tucked discreetly below your child's voice-box, the WhineNot boasts powerful voice-distorting technology, transforming whiny high-pitched tones into ordinary lower-pitched speech registers! As small as a Cheerio but as powerful as a Boze mini-stereo, the WhineNot ensures comfort and ease-of-use while delivering optimal voice-changing results.
Comes with cool styling necklace attachment bands: choose from Dora, to Bob the Builder, to plain colors, or custom patterns. Appropriate for ages 3 to 13. And beyond.
Want to purchase one today? At a mere $17.99 in three easy monthly installments...WhineNot?
What do you think? Could I sell this new gadget? Would you have any use for it?
Okay, so for those without a sense of humor: this post is a joke, so keep your pants on. No, I do not strap voice-altering devices to my child's throat. Because, sadly, an anti-whining voice-deepening device is not yet on the market. On a non-joking note I have an amazingly stylish and all-weather-proof baby blanket/changing mat going for free over at my personal website this week. Stop by and enter to WIN!
Crabmommy you kill me!!! I still think about the matyr meter every time my husband and get into that sad "I am suffering more" mode and now I can picture the whine-not every time my 3 yr old whines away. Hopefully his little whiney voice will turn turn all honeyed and golden as I dream about your cheerio sized device. Also, I checked out your personal blog and LOVE LOVE LOVE your freebie. Wish my kids were young enough for me to fight the other moms for it. Great new-baby gift idea.
XD
When my toddler began to whine, I got so fed up after a few hours...I whined back gnagnagna. He quit whining. Now he expresses himself by yelling, so much better. haw haw.
I definitely need the martyrmeter. Where can I find it?
Can this wonderful device be equipped with a mute button as well? Perhaps a simple keychain remote with volume control/mute combo? If so, I must have several immediately.
Oooh, I'll take two! One for my kiddo and one for my annoying neighbor.
Why not go for the gusto and offer an optional celebrity voice-altering attachment? For a mere $9.99 each plus shipping and handling, you can secretly amuse yourself as your tot whines in James Earl Jones' baritone, Dame Judi Dench's patrician intonation, or Patrick Stewart's erudite timbre! Because after all, whining just sounds funnier from the mouth of babe with the voice of a classically-trained thespian.
This is way too funny! If you could come up with a headband or an sleepmask that could help a mother go into a deep worry-free sleep and prevent drama filled dreams of anxiety, I'd buy one for myself and all of my mommie friends!
ellment and tamtwice: want to go into business with me? celebrity voice-altering attachment! Mom's WorryNot Mask! These are surely Million Dollar Mommy ideas. brilliant.
and al, why did I not think of it before? A MUTE button. So simple, so elegant, so effective...WhineNot?