Amen!

The registering is wildly out of control.

This is a tough one. I was the first in a very large extended family when I had my first child not the mention the youngest at 26. My siblings and cousins are all either married without children or single. We registered for the first baby (never the second!) and it was a good thing we did since my relatives were all 35+ years removed from any babies and no one had a clue what to get. They all thanked my tremendously for making it easier for them.

I understand the issue is that to you people appear greedy when they have a registry. I tend to look at registries as guidelines or wish lists. That said I have also seen some registries that are completely out of control. Personally, I registered with the help of my best friends (mother of three and mother of two) for only the items that we thought we would need that we were not borrowing from someone or had not been passed down to us already. Some of the items that we received were items on our registry and some items were ones that other mothers thought we needed whether we registered for it or not. Since my daughter made an appearance three days before the last of my showers (yes, when you are 39 and finally pregnant people go a little crazy with the showers - we had three - one was a couple's shower complete with an empathy belly for the father to be, one was at work and the last one was for my family) she was very fortunate to also receive homemade blankets, toys and even a treasured keepsake from a great aunt once that shower was rescheduled. As long as the mother to be realizes that she not going to receive every Baby Einstein DVD on the list and might receive a packet of diapers instead and is gracious – then registries are fine in my opinion.

I always give used gear--nice used gear that I felt was indispensable, but always used. New moms don't really know what they'll need anyway. (At least, I sure as hell didn't!) How does one know if they'll use that crib or stroller much less actually pump?

I wonder how long before kids BD parties have registries? That would really freak me out but I can see it coming. . . .

I forgot to say in regards to second registries - that is a no no. However, that does not rule out celebrating the second pregnancy of the mom to be with a brunch, which is what a group does around here.

sueroz, iu, I get it. But so many of these regi-mamas are not like you. they are not thinking it through carefully and divulging the reg only to the family who are pressing them for one. I think regis --and showers in general-- are viral and spinning out of control. From workplace to several showers for one baby to...al, I think you're right: birthday party regis are next! Come to think of it, a friend of mine told me about a girl in her 'hood who sent out a "wishlist" for her son's first bday. So I guess we're there already. I foresee a whole new wealth of material for Crabmommy! yay!

In a kinda related point has anyone heard of "diaper parties"? Apparently it's some wacko new phenom that goes down where hubbies have a BBQ when their wives are prego and then the men bring diaps for the prego wife?! Str-ange. If you have heard of such a thing, or better yet, been the recipient of one, please do tell!

i think the crazy customized fancy baby gifts and gear are WAY out of control! my husband comes from a family of 12 kids and we would all pass our baby gear and clothes from one to the next. with that being said, when we moved away from his family, they were no longer willing to share. and when we were on our 4th, most of the gear and clothing from the first 3 were worn out and not working anymore. we definitely need new stuff. but i HATE asking for help and definitely DID NOT want someone to throw a shower for me. but it sure would've been nice to have a bit of help. but i went around to garage sales and found what i needed. i do also hate people who buy gifts that they like instead of what you like. if someone is going to do that, i'd really rather them NOT buy me a gift! for crying out loud, if you don't know me well enough to know what i'd keep, then don't buy me anything at all! the kid birthdays are that way. i throw a party for my kid, the parents call and ask what my kid would like, and they all show up with gifts other than what i said. i just don't get it? why do i want all that extra garbage running around the house that's just going to get thrown away?!

I am all for registering. Because, you are still going to get those who buy exactly what they want. Take for instance, the showers for both of my children. One in Dec., the other in Nov. I got waaay too many blankets. And, hardly used half of them. It would have been nice if I would have received something a little more useful- or needed. Also, I have larger babies, and all those newborn sized clothes I received were never put to use.

http://andria-and-co.com

Today on Storked! Married Moms who aren't exactly happy about a + sign.

http://www.glamour.com/lifestyle/blogs/pregnant/

As for babe showers. Not for me. My girls threw a brunch in SOHO.

all you mommies out there who are on "the fence" about this...WAKE UP! if you need more confirmation send an email to miss manners! all i can say is HALLELUJAH! its so frikkin over the top i cant believe it actually has to be said. unfortunately, it appears that the kind that does it is just the kind that wont get this blog...but thanks anyway, crabmommy!

hmm...i'm really surprised at the nasty attitude of a lot of these posts. i'm a nice, non-greedy, thoughtful, and eco-conscious mom (if i do say so myself), and i had a registry. i have a big family with a lot of close friends and family friends, and i had two showers. i didn't particularly care if i hadn't had a shower at all (my husband and i could have afforded to stock our nursery, and i often purchase second-hand) but people WANTED to buy us stuff, and i wanted to give them a guideline. i didn't want to have double and triple of a lot of stuff i didn't need and couldn't return.

i registered for mainly organic and eco-conscious baby gear, and believe me, it was noticed. and i STILL got a ton of unwanted stuff, which i promptly gave away.

moral of the story? just like a wedding, sometimes celebrations aren't just about you. and i'm not sure that a second shower is that bad, as long as it's about celebrating the baby and not the gifts. for both of my daughter's birthday parties, i noted on the invitation NO GIFTS PLEASE and gave a website for people to make a donation (kiva.org). maybe that's a compromise for people who would like to celebrate with their families but don't want the stuff.

well, since we all had the registry it's not fair to deprive new moms of the fun. You can make the same argument with wedding showers, engagement, etc. If you want something buy it yourself if you have any means. IF you don't have much money, then the registry makes sense. But I think it's just fun to be feted. Once you get to be a certain age birthday's arent' that special, so why not a baby shower.
At mine I saw people I hadn't seen for years. which was fun.

I had gone to so many weddings by the time I got hitched I was like "payback time". And no, you can't trust your friends to buy the right things. some people bought goofy stuff that was off the registry.

prairieanarchist,
I'm sorry if I seem nasty. My intention is not to be nasty but rather, in these "Rude Mommy"-themed posts, to call out momhood-at-large for something that seems to be crying out for it. And to me, registries are a topic that deserve some tough words. I realize there are shades of gray in the regi phenom, and while I'm not a regi fan I get that people's well-meaning friends and fam can drive a mom to do it. When moms respond with registry specifics to ONLY those who demand to know what to purchase, I don't take great offense. Still, I think registries are viral...they breed more registries and pressure people to have them and buy from them. Of course babies deserve to be celebrated, but do we have to tell people exactly how and in what color, shape, and size? A gift is not an obligation.

Crabmommy I couldn't agree more!!
I'm pregnant and have, much to the horror of many family members, refused to do the baby registry thing. I hate the idea to begin with, and I'd hate to feel like I was shaking down friends and family for another gift a couple of years after they sent a wedding gift. Instead I've told people who asked where I've registered to buy one of their favourite books from when they were a child to give to the baby.
Then again I'm lucky, I have a sister who's due 7 months before I am, so I'm planning on stealing all of her baby things when she's done with them (I'm a cheapmommy too!)

Well, I don't think that registries are necessarily out of line. Sometimes it is nice to have a list to mindlessly choose from. What IS out of line is expecting your shower guests to buy from your registry. I think that it's fine to have one, but I rarely buy from one. And even when I did have a registry, as much as I appreciated getting gifts off of the registry, it was more exciting to get off-registry gifts.

So, go ahead and shun registries, Crabmommy! Just don't begrudge them for those that might like them.

(Oh - as an aside - what I DO find obnoxious is the new trend for kids to have registries for their birthday parties. Does Junior really need to learn abject materialism at age 4?)

I don't have a problem with suggestion lists. For instance, you can let people know that you need onesies, but you should not dictate WHICH onesie a person should buy. That is the problem with the registry. People don't tend to suggest (or ask) with registries, they dictate. And because dictating is arrogant to begin with, people can't see that they can go too far, like asking for a McLaren or a Medela or for a Stokke bed. Sometimes the arrogance can be as simple as asking for Pampers instead of just asking for newborn sized diapers. I read the comment that "it is about more than you", but if that were true, then no one would feel the need to ask for anything. They would hope that people would just give. Registries are about "you". I gave a suggestion list to family and close friends. Other acquaintances and co-workers were told that they could give what they wanted, however diapers, detergent and wipes would be great. In the end, I got my variety. What I REALLY needed, I got and I did not end up with duplicates. People might think that Crabmom's perspective is a bit unsympathetic. Nonetheless, considering what people can and will do in the name of “my baby”, with good or poor intentions…I find that they can be unsympathetic too.
Hey, Crabmom, while we are on the topic of showers, what is your take on gift opening at showers (to see who got what off of the dreaded "registry")? That's a unique phenomenon in and of itself...

I'm definitely a fence rider on this one. On the one hand, I hate the crass materialism of it all. I the the brand loyalty it enforces since in order for an item to be removed from the registry, the exact item has to be bought from the exact store. So if someone wants the Burt's Bees baby shampoo and lotion, I can't give them one of the two sets I received for my baby, one of which is only slightly used since my daughter's skin is just too sensitive for it.
On the other hand, it's really nice to not get two sets of grooming products you can't use and it's even better to not get a bunch of plastic toys if that's something you're trying to avoid. On the invite to my shower, my sister wrote that we were looking for eco-friendly items, and guests were strongly encouraged to bring used ("recycled") items. Almost no one did that, but my stepmom did pay for a cloth diaper service for us. One blessed friend sent us a mountain of clothes, a car seat, a snap n go, a ring sling, and several books, all used, but most people went for what was on the registry.
If I could do it over again, though, I might skip the registry and just scour Craig's List and garage sales because I have had pretty good luck with that for the 2nd and 3rd wave of baby detritus I have had to collect.
In short, I am on the fence ;)

You are right on with this one! I recently gasped to a $60.00 outfit on someone's list. Come on! When I was pregnant I figured the women who had done this before me would know what to get. The ones who didn't still got me really cool things. Trust the girlfriends, if you really don't like something, there's usually gift receipts. Merci crabmommy! Lucie

I wholeheartedly agree -- a new mommy NEEDS diaper shirts and burp cloths, but not necessarily organic, unbleached, hand-embroidered by blind people in Nepal diaper shirts and burp cloths. We've gotten entirely too precious overall. Judith Martin (of Miss Manners fame) agrees and ups the ante to include wedding registries as well.

All great points. I have three daughters under 4 and work for a company with a "baby registry favorite," so I know it can be a luxury to get these gifs, but I also agree the barrage of here's me xyz registry (I've heard of "first home registries") can be exhausting.

My gifts for these events continue to be "save you the trouble" gift baskets, with assortments of things the moms (and dads) will find they love or hate, ie my first daughter exploded through every Pampers diaper she ever wore and the Gerber breast milk storage bags ripped on me time and again. I give a sleeve of Huggies, Pampers and Luvs, a box of each kind of milk storage bag and nursing pad and a couple of beautiful, thin dish towels. For me, dish towels were the omni-tool: nursing cover, changing pad, sun shield, burp cloth, baby sari after an up-the-back-explosion.

As long as there are big stores and Hallmark, we'll have registries and card-necessitating "holidays."

THANK YOU, crabmommy. You express my feelings on showers and baby registries in a particularly delicious way. I've had a really good laugh today thanks to you.

Whatever happened to throwing the mom-to-be a nice, close friends and family, surprise shower with cake and balloons and whoever wanted to bring a thoughtful gift did or did not? Registering for a shower is not good, or polite. Most of the "essentials" in those registries are really never used at all! I had a surprise baby shower. Good food, great friend. The ones who did bring gifts brought a simple baby outfit, a pack of diapers, diaper cream and baby lotion. Oh, and I got plenty of hand-me-downs later on. As moms we need to stop buying useless crap and start reusing. :)

prairieanarchist,
let me get this straight: you had two showers (with registries) for yourself but you won't let your kids have gifts at their b-day parties? Seriously??
Anyway, registries are lame. If I'm not close enough to the mama-to-be to ask what she wants (or figure it out myself), then I probably don't want to buy her anything.

I agree that baby registeries can get out of hand, especially when they are asking for big items like strollers and breast pumps. I'm all for discreetly passing the word out, and family members getting together for those type of items. An outfit, little toy or blankets seem more appropriate for people to bring, and without a registry, I guarantee you'll end up with 50 packs of onesies....
www.dawnypoo.blogspot.com

I'm currently expecting, and I have to say I can see both sides on this issue. I have friends and coworkers who insisted I registered. I have friends and coworkers who think registry announcements in the invitation are super tacky. Some of the same people fit into both categories -- go figure.

I registered at two stores. The friend throwing my shower chose to include the registry inserts. I'm fine with this. I'm of the mind that the shower isn't really about *me* and I'm not the one calling the shots. As for those big ticket items?

Yeah, I registered furniture, a carseat, stroller, and even an expensive vaccuum. In my mind I am not being greedy or selfish. In fact, I don't expect or even want people to buy these items for me (and they know it). It's just too hard to pass up the deep discount offered by most stores for when I go in and buy these items myself after the little tyke is born. Why not make the most of my own money when I go to buy these items later?

ladydenae, this new element of registering you point out is FASCINATING. so the actual store gives the mom discounts on unbought items if she registers them first? am-a-zing. Here's how I see it:
pressure from store =pressure on mom=pressure on friends/fam to BUY BUY BUY. I rest my case.

Great post. I think it is ultra tacky to register!

You are speaking for a lot more woman than you might realize-and I hope some of the Moms-to-be read this! Trust me, people WILL be talking behind your back.
The worst one I remember was registered at three places, and a couple of the items that stood out were QUEEN-SIZED bedding and TWO very expensive car seats-one for each of the parents brand new vehicles. I have talked about this elsewhere but if you have two brand new 40,000 automobiles-you don't need a baby shower! And you certainly don't need to invite everyone you have ever met!.

And prarieanarchist brings up another topic that's worthy of discussion. Isn't it a bit presumptuous to direct others to a charity- especially in lieu of a kid's birthday present?

I agree with this writer -- As moms we need to stop buying useless crap and start reusing. Yes, that's true for the children's sake! Adults need to take better care of the earth's resources because we love the children... to watch our debt load... to set wiser examples for the kids...to share ideas and share things! In spite of ads, articles, and lists of (so called) baby essentials, we are still grown-ups who must make smart decisions. It does help when shower-givers or expectant parents have a few suggestions. But ANY long shower registry that emphasizes specific brands of expensive items comes from selfishness even if disguised as helpfulness. Some of us don't like to make waves, but let's creatively work together to stop the registry trend or somehow steer it in a healthier direction. Thanks, Crabmommy, and it's not just you!

Registries are necessary in that they eliminate the extra trips to return the duplicate and unwanted/unneeded gifts. Hence, less time/gasoline wasted. It's a no brainer.