Good crikey, I'm more than a little late with my, ahem, "monthly" momoscope! Forgive my laxness, ladies, but frankly I just haven't felt clairvoyant in a while, and, you know, you just can't force these things: either you can see into the future or you can't. Sometimes, as many of you know, Crabmommy has wildly right-on prescient musings about you moms out there; other times, however, the great void that comprises my daily mom-brain doesn't contain visions of anything, much less your future!

Anyhoo, here I am, back with my crystal ball and with thoughts about your forthcoming month as Mom. As always, I tend to to see the not-so-great moments that lie ahead for you mom-readers. The upside? At least you've been forewarned.

Leo:
I see quite a few of you Leos struggling with the following: You're leaning toward yet another month of putting off the inevitable and moving that child out of the family bed, but, come come! You know with each passing day that tot's only getting comfier while you become more cramped. So step up, toss the tot out of yours and into his or her own. It won't be a super-peachy-fun month ahead, but since your nestling is practically ready for driving lessons, the stars' message is clear: just do it!

Virgo:
Seriously, a staycation? And you really thought such a silly word could be a good idea?! Yup, you figured  you'd relax, chill out, have more drinks, do less cooking, camp in the back yard with the kids. Ri-ight. Instead your downtime feels like normal hard-work life, only intensified, what with the grandparents and all the rule-bending mayhem going on at your crib. Oh, well. Too late to change things, except your martyr 'tude. Do less; they'll all do more.

Libra:
I'm afraid your tot is going in for a big month of fibbing. That's right, tall ones from the small one. Don't always believe the first version of the stories your angel tells you this month. Your kid's good at this. Go deeper.

Scorpio:
So you signed up to burn away your mom-flap midsection and you did well for a while. Sadly, this month you're back on the couch eating crates of mini-macaroons from Whole Foods. Blame it on the moon phases because truly do they affect your cravings and your motivation! But don't lose heart. You may be sluggish now, but your time of tummy-crunching will come...

Sagittarius:
Talk about a willful child and a wardrobe obsession that won't quit! The apple doesn't fall far from the tree in this case. That pink dress or those stained navy track pants, or whatever it is your wee one favors so intensely, will be the subject of many a tedious argument with you, O willful Sagi-mommy! Look, someone's got to give in here. Let this one go and it will.

Capricorn:
What a bummer your wee one didn't dig those swimming lessons! You so could have spent that money on a new purse. Advice? Stick to sprinklers for the rest of the season. And get a new purse.

Aquarius:
Yes, it's tough with Saturn rising in your fifth house, Aquari-mom, but you don't have to be such a supreme biatch in your actual house! You know what I'm talking about. Heck, I'm one of you and I'm the queen of biatching about the bungalow, but there's a time when a girl's gotta pick up her lip and snap out of the snippy spell! But even if I'm forcing some cheer here, apparently this pity party continues yet more weeks for most of you, so don't expect anyone to be madly digging you this month.

Pisces:
By September, you'll deeply regret you didn't send the tyke to summer camp when you had the chance. Never mind! Next year you'll gladly wave the young tyrant away, and you won't be one of those moms weeping and wailing when the bus pulls away. Lesson learned.

Aries:
I'd like to tell you that your haircut was a good move but all I can see is a bottomless pit as far as  maintenance goes. It's true you got rid of the plain and severe Mom Hair that had been tweaking your vibe for so long, but the new style is too much work and has resulted in a very thin ponytail. Next time, aim lower on the style barometer...for a higher return.   

Taurus:
I'd love to tell you your children have overcome that ghastly whining stage of the past few months. True, things seemed better for a while. But don't hold your breath on that score. And do cover your ears—you're in for a shrill soundtrack until summer's end (unless you buy yourself this handy gadget).

Gemini:
A dead fish is hardly the end of the world, and can easily be turned into a gentle lesson on mortality. Advice: Give the fish a good funeral, either in the ground or borne aloft by the great waters of the modern sewer system.

Cancer:
But how do you expect the children to follow your example when you're being such a momocrite? Truly this shall be a month of madly momocritical behavior! Whether it's slovenly table manners, bad language, or wildly undisciplined and momocritical donut eating, your slack side will reign supreme even as you continue to preach restraint. Oh, well. Just tell them to do what Mom says, not as she does.