Rude Mommy!
There's a species of Rude Mommy that really tweaks my vibe: the mother who can't take a compliment about her kid without being smug in response.
Today I encountered a delightful, impish toddler at the grocery checkout. When I complimented the mom on her charming little daughter she responded with "Yup, we got a good one." Say, whaa? Let's pause here for a moment. I tell Mom her kid is cute and her response is to heap another compliment for herself on top of mine? We got a good one. That's a line I've heard before in various ways —haven't we all? It's a variation on that whole "We're really blessed"/"We're really lucky" schtick mamas are prone to when talking about their children, words that may not seem offensive at first, but what Mom's really saying is that her kid's a superior sort of tyke, which implies that other kids are inferior, turning a simple compliment into a competition with winners and losers.
Now, I realize that when folks say this stuff they don't mean to be boastful. They probably aren't even thinking about what pops out of their mouths. And, heck, as the mother of a scrumptious moppet myself I know only too well how it feels to be uncommonly blessed and delightfully smug inside my bursting-with-pride mommy self. Yup, while I may crab like mad about my kid, you can be sure I feel blessed, lucky, and that "I got a good one," same as any mother. After all, we're biologically wired to feel this way.
But we're also biologically capable of a smidge of self-awareness and politeness when encountering the friendliness of strangers. For my money, you can brag to family (and your very BFF) about your child's beauty, intelligence, and spark, but not in the grocery line, please. If I say something nice about your offspring, don't tell me you know you're fortunate; it's just not gracious. Especially if you then trail off into silence in the presence of my delightful small human. Dang rude, I say!
In the end I think many of these rude mommies just don't know how to accept a compliment. I can understand that. It's not always easy to receive praise, whether for yourself or the person you created, but I think it's important. It just isn't cool to respond to praise by agreeing with it. Much better to just say "thank you" instead.
What do you think? Are you also ticked with the smugmama? Or do you feel justified in being one?
The people on your shine post are taking this topic way too seriously... I think it is yet another successful post, you always end up making me laugh!
Ooooh, I love this topic! I have never known how to repond to that one without some level of uncomfortable weirdness involved (okay, my kid has been fairly obnoxious in public as of late, so I haven't had this problem in some time). You see, I feel like if I say "thank you", it's like I think the compliment was directed at me--which it technically was not. (I swear, I have felt like the person is gonna say, "No, I said your KIDDO was cute, not YOU"). But if I respond like smugmommy, that's no good either. I dunno--it's a tough one.....BUT, you have to compliment the other person's wee one--seriously, that's just mommymanners 101.
Avaface,
Thanks for your thoughtful response.
I think you got me. Your point about "thank you" sounding as though one is taking credit for one's child's cuteness is well made. I didn't really think about it that way. Indeed, accepting compliments can be hard when it comes to kids. Mine is still so young so I take credit for everything fabulous about her! But I can see where the case gets fuzzy. With that in mind I think from now on my standard response if I get a compliment on my Crabkid is just going to be "That's kind of you to say..."
I also should have qualified my "opponent" in this story a little more: she really seemed pretty smug in her retort, as opposed to just fumbling for a way to respond. I feel there are many such moms out there, blithely patting themselves on the back for having such a fabulous child. We all feel that way, don't we? But a little restraint is all I'm really asking for...
i call these awkward moments, with or without a small cute toddler or older child. You can be just be polite and say
"Thank You" but today most parets only have one child, and their lives revolve around the CHILD. They have no other to measure the difference. I see them at soccer, basketball,PTA meetings, maybe sometimes its better to mind yr own business and compliement YOUR kid instead.
Hmmm, I usually respond by saying that, 'it's nice of you to say', because my vision of my child is clouded by the struggle I just had to feed her breakfast and get her dressed.
C-mom, I do know what you mean about smugmommies, though. I have been dealing with one since my tot was six days old. I realized what finally annoyed me so much about her was she ascribed all her earthy, crunchy feelings to what I was experiencing and that just bugged me. I have been able to neutralize her by just saying something like, 'no that's not how I was feeling, rather...'
I don't get it. If anything, she sounded like she was being self-effacing. Her options were a) to ignore you b) to say, "oh no, she's usually a struggle" or some kind of put-down about her own kid c)to say "thank you" d) to be cheerful about her good fortune in having an easy-going and well-behaved child or e) to start in on how it's all because of the sleep training/attachment parenting/sign language classes/gymboree socialization/careful work of her and her partner etc etc. She chose d), which to me seems like the most gracious and friendly route. The truth is that some kids are much more easygoing and well-behaved than others, and so rather than taking credit for her daughter's behavior, she just agreed with you. What's wrong with that? My own daughter is a very friendly and well-behaved little person as well, and when we get compliments, we usually say something similar about how blessed we feel or that yes, we've decided to keep her. I don't think it's smug - if anything, I think it's the opposite because it acknowledges that it's not your superior parenting but that some kids are just easier to handle and better behaved than others.
I prefer to respond with something along the lines of "thanks - we're not sure where she gets that." Deflects the suggestion that I think the compliment is directed at my superior parenting skills as well as indicating that any reciprocal compliments are unlikely.
Could you be any more self-righteous? Why did you feel compelled to comment to a total stranger and then expect that person to respond in exactly the right manner you apparently believe you deserve? How ill-mannered! It is so awkward to have to respond to a total stranger's comment about your child's behavior, good or bad. Why the hell do you care how someone else's child acts, anyway? Were you fishing for compliments about your own child and when you didn't get it, you looked for any reason you could to make it the other woman's fault? Your compliment to her then became all about you. The smugness is all yours, my dear!
You pose a sticky question, crabmommy. In incidences of "My, what a beautiful daughter," or "Your son is such a sweetheart," the response should be a simple "Thanks! You're so kind." But what to do when the stranger says something that mommy really doesn't feel comfortable taking credit for, like "Wow, he is already reading!?" We had a self-taught reading toddler and I never ever knew how best to respond in those instances. Thank you didn't seem right-it's not like I did anything special to make him read-he figured it all out himself. And "Yup!" just makes you sound like a self-righteous snob. What to do? Compliments are hard to take when direct at ourselves, and even harder when directed at our progeny. I think the "rude mommy" may have been befuddled, rather than crass. I'd cut her some slack. It's hard to take credit for something amazing in your child if it's not of your doing (grandpa's eyes, gregarious nature, great coordination, whatever!).
I'm with grifter and crabmommy. Either "that's nice of you to say" or "we're not sure where she got that" sound like perfectly modest and gracious ways to respond. No offense to some posters, but the "we are blessed" response really gets my gag reflex going. Sure, some kids are naturally better-behaved than others, but highlighting that in your response sort of implies that the person complimenting you is not so blessed.
And to whatever: yes, god forbid someone would praise you, your child, or really anyone in a public place. Awkward! It's like you're part of civil society or something. Eww.
For those still interested, I posted a follow-up to this post today, as above. Thanks for your comments.
yes, this is a hard one. my usual response is...'today is a good day.' meaning there are times i am ready to pull either my hair out or one of my kids, depending on the situation. my children are darling people, but just like us, they all have their moments. as parents we should be thrilled to have someone see all the good in our kiddos and maybe shift our own focus to see that good too. these kind of compliments should be recognized as ways to help us change our perspective and not see our kids as the struggle that we often do... we should all appreciate them more, including myself. THANK YOU to these kind souls in the stores who are bold enough to take the chance in telling me that i have a (ha, ha) well-behaved child when my immediate reaction may be to then pull the hairs out of their heads one by one.
Her response doesn't strike me as rude. I think it is good for her she is proud of her child. I agree with karmamama that this is probably the most gracious and positive way to respond to a compliment. She is simply aceepting the compliment and agreeing with you. Why can't she be honest about the way she feels about her child?
Plus, I don't think it is really boastful to think someone - other than yourself- is great (even if it's your husband or child). And let's not forget that false modesty is just as bad as boastfulness.