Yes, it's that time of the month.

Time for Crabmommy, also known as Astromommy, to grab her crystal ball and see what the stars have in store for you. As you may know, I have many weaknesses as a mother, but I also have strengths in the department of maternal clairvoyance. Yes, I have visions, mommies. Sometimes I see individuals out in the mommy universe having specific experiences; other times I see giant clumps of you moms experiencing something more vague and general. Always I see mothers. Mothers behaving badly. Mothers with children behaving badly. Mothers in various states of duress. Yes, sad to say the Crabmommy sees suffering more often than not. It's my glass-half-full persona that makes me tap into the negative energy of the universe. Can't help it.

Without further ado, your monthly momoscope:

Aries: So maybe the tot's extra-curricular classes are a bit pricey. Maybe you should hang out at home making fairy mobiles out of twigs and leaves! In fact you've assembled some great craftastic ideas to that effect. In a binder, no less! You plan on using it this month. As it turns out, you won't. You're too lazy. Fairy mobiles? Please. It's all you can do to lie awake on the floor while Tot's in the dance class.

Taurus: You're really playing the martyr this month. But your husband thinks he's the one with the heavy load. Which is why you're headed for a big old marital tiff this month. So, defy the stars! Instead of arguing, why not get yourselves a MartyrMeter?

Gemini: Expect to find yourself in the car an awful lot. Again. You're a tad ticked off about that car pool thing. I mean, you've been getting the motherload re. giving rides to other people's kids. This month  you've been promised payback. Except that the mom in question pleads sickness. Oh dear. Oh well.

Cancer: No sense in getting depressed by that mom-flap of extra skin at your midriff when frankly you've had every opportunity to exercise it away, but have preferred to watch Netflix in your free time with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. This month you'll fixate on the mom-flap again but I don't see you at the gym. Maybe next month? We'll have to wait and see.

Leo: Could this be true? Good news? Leo, this is WEIRD. Usually I can only see the negative stuff. But here I see one of you Leos out there, a quite gorgeous blonde in the South, going on a sudden and delightful child-free trip...involving a bit of extra cash...and shopping...and good girl friends...and I see a really sassy yellow silk blouse that suits you perfectly and makes you feel all MILFy. Wait, sorry. That's your sister. (Don't be mad! You guys look so alike!)

Virgo: You've promised yourself you'll keep up that sudden flurry of interest you had in politics, but here you are reading Cookiemag again rather than those links your spouse bookmarked. But don't feel too guilty. You voted in the primary. Your voice was heard. Now go see that cute toadstool in the Nesting blog.

Libra: Someone else is going to clean and detail your car inside and out. You wish! Sadly this month the only person cleaning that car is you. Because you can't stand another minute. Those crushed goldfish on the back seat. The tissues. The shoes. The crud and mud. Good news: you will finally clean it! Bad news:  the tot will spill chocolate milkshake all over the booster seat right after.

Scorpio: Another month of library Storytime and yes, it's dead boring. Tip: while listening to the Good Morning song pretend you're in prison. You're in those pants. Making license plates. Talking to your kids on the pay-phone. Open your eyes. See? Storytime isn't so bad after all.

Sagittarius: It will feel completely rude when your mom-friend offers you advice on handling your kid. BUT let's face it, you did ask her to be honest about how the playdate went. I know, you didn't really want her to be honest. Next time, just say thanks and leave. Don't ask and they're less likely to tell. 

Capricorn: Once again you're lame-ing out on that promised girls' night out. Amazing how fun these events sound until you put them in ink in your datebook! Don't worry: you'll be up for cocktails and catching an indie band some other time. One day. Maybe.

Aquarius: You've been forgetting things lately and you're going to continue this trend. They say it's post-partum hormones. For some people this goes on way beyond the new-mom phase. For some people forgetfulness absorbs right into the maternal tissue, forever. Sad but true. So you know, you should just...uh...er...ummmm....what was I talking about? Can't remember.

Pisces: Yet another baby shower this month. And the invite comes with a pricey registry. Who does she think she is? You're appalled! Still, you'll go because it's too awkward to get out of and you're not good at lying. Never mind. The grub will be good.

As you learned from the inaugural Astromommy post, while Crabmommy may be lacking in some arenas of motherhood, she clearly has a gift for divining the motherly mistakes and misfortunes of others. So many of you wrote to me to say your Astromommy momoscope came true last month! Once again I give it to you from the hip—your monthly motherhood miseries ahead. It's never pretty but at least you know what lies ahead for you and your spawn. I can't say I like what I see, but I can and will say, "I told you so!"

Pisces: You feel a twinge of guilt for jamming those poor toddler toes into those too-tight snowboots. But it's already so late into the season and who knew those toes would grow so fast? You think you might buy new boots this week. But you know you won't. So it's another day of slightly guilty feelings for you, Mom, as the youngster hobbles out into the snow tomorrow. Never mind. Adversity is character-building, right?

Aries: You've never wanted to be a pushy parent. But you're getting annoyed with your preschooler's seeming inability to discern letters on a page. Advice: Take a load off. Quit the early literacy afternoon program you've been pushing. Sit him in front of the TV, and pour yourself an early drink. The reading can wait.

Taurus: Uh oh! Now that you've stopped being so serious about your tot's diet and allowed the occasional lollipop into the mix, you're starting to see it's a slippery slope. Is your tot about to become yet another sugar-addled tyke? Yes, I'm afraid she is.

Gemini: You've been flaking out on playdates. Your mom-friends are getting ticked. Flakemommy, mend your ways! Really, it's time to get that 2008 dayplanner.

Cancer: Your child whined and begged for that equipment and you really thought he'd get into that sport. But he hasn't. And he won't. Another wasted wad of cash. Learn from this.

Leo: Actually, the stars have good news for you! Ish. Yes, that'll be two pink stripes on the old preg-o test! Again. But I don't understand how you can accidentally fall pregnant again. Especially considering you already have two kids. How come you're still getting it on? Aren't you people tired?

Virgo: Your spouse has been acting like he's all "on board" with the new program of discipline for the children. He's sworn he's going to help more and try harder to do the tough stuff in parenting so you won't always look like the evil momster parent. But I'm afraid he's not there yet.

Libra: Probably that wasn't such a great paint color. You should have gone a shade lighter. But you weren't thinking straight. Because you're pregnant and pregnant people can't choose paint colors very well. Never mind. It's not that bad.

Scorpio: Oh my LAWD that was truly a dreadful trip you took. The kids were so badly behaved and who can blame them? Wouldn't you pull out your sibling's eyelashes if you were stuck in a seat for that long at that age, only to get there and have to spend that amount of time with those people? Advice: don't do this again. Ever. Especially not for your spouse's family holiday!

Sagittarius: Is your newborn colicky, you ask? Or is it something in your diet that's making the baby so fussy? It's not. The baby is just colicky, period, and nothing but time will change that. Hang in. It will be over three momoscopes from now.

Capricorn: It's a shame that new mom friend's husband is such a pill. Honestly, it's like talking to a spoon, isn't it? Pity, since she's so lovely and her child and yours are such perfect mates. Oh well, at least he brought that great wine to the dinner.

Aquarius: You're feeling guilty about the Pilates classes you missed. You're disappointed in yourself, especially since they have that great daycare right there for the baby. You're going to turn over a new leaf, though. You're going to go next week. And every week. So you say.

Because I've been so in tune with motherhood for, well, over three years now and blogging about it for almost one year, it's not surprising that I've developed a certain clairvoyance when it comes to other mothers. I see you, and I know things about you. And even if I can't see you, I feel your presence out there and I can divine truths about your parental style, your tot, yourself. I know, for example, that one of you Capricorns reading this very post ate your child's remaining Gummi worms yesterday while she was at preschool and then lied to her about it when she came home. I know one of you Geminis truly cannot stand your little son's best friend and so even though you don't want to be, you're always a weentsy bit snippy and mean with him on play-dates. You feel bad about it, but he's just such an irritating little boy. And that name! What were they thinking?

Because it's my job to share my expertise, I've decided to bring you monthly mommy horoscopes—momoscopes—here at Cookie. As with all things Crabmommy, the outlook will be bleak. It 'aint pretty, what fate has in store for you this January with your offspring, but you might as well face it:

Capricorn: Be careful with your loose lips. Small ears hear big faux pas and once again, your comments about a relative will get you into trouble.

Aquarius: Your spouse planned something special for your birthday, but then forgot to order it until it was too late. And the Fedex charge was so outrageous. So that's why you're getting the Amazon package again.

Pisces: Prepare for an awkward conversation. You should never have told that one mom what you thought of that other mom when she said that one thing to you about that other mom's kid. Because the mom you told would have been better off not knowing what the other mom thinks about her kid. Besides, she can't be trusted. She's actually saying something nasty about your kid right now.

Aries: It's true your methods of discipline haven't been working and that you could benefit from some fresh new ideas. Unfortunately, you haven't got any and nor has anyone else around you.

Taurus: Things have been going so well in the potty-training department and you're sure you're only weeks away from disposing with the pull-ups. Hang onto them. You're so not done yet!

Gemini: You wonder why your little boy is asking you about cigarettes. It's because the babysitter stole some from your secret stash. Really, it is time to quit once and for all. But you won't. Not this month, anyway.

Cancer: Your child will destroy a favorite item of your wardrobe this month, but take heart: it wouldn't have fitted you ever again. Because that extra inch of post-partum back-fat is here to stay.

Leo: You can't put your finger on it but you feel as though you've forgotten something important with potentially embarrassing consequences. Well, you have and yes, you will be mortified next week when you remember.

Virgo: Your siblings have been talking about your kids and their sleep problems all month long. One of them plans to lecture you about it, and you will have a big fight. But honestly, what did you expect after everyone had to put up with that screaming all through Christmas week? Get that Weissbluth book out again and this time, stick to it.

Libra: Yes, your partner promised to help more with the housework and made all those resolutions. But by month's end you'll be right back where you started: doing all the dishes and pulling giant wads of lint from the washing machine. As usual.

Scorpio: You swore you wouldn't ever spank your naughty tot again. But I'm afraid you'll break that promise this month. Oh, well, buck up. You're not alone. In fact, as we speak, at least twenty two thousand mothers worldwide are breaking that promise too!