Surely Crabmommy will soon break into the rich-mom scene with her schemes and dreams? This is my sincerest hope, especially after last night, while watching the "California Baby" products mom-inventor on TV. She had a great frock on and was very modest about her success, stating simply that she was "just a mom" who saw a gap in the market and then began mixing potions for her organic baby shampoos.

Inspired by and jealous of such moms—chicks savvy enough to parlay mommy notions into cold hard cashola—Crabmommy once again reaches deep into an otherwise empty brain and asks: what can I do to improve parenting and pad my purse in the process?

The Martyrmeter®

Every new set of parents plays the martyr game. Which of you is doing more? Is it the breadwinner slogging through a deadly job to provide the dough? Is it the stay-at-homer, dealing in tantrums, playdates, and interminable wiping of orifices? 

Don't argue. Get a MartryMeter®!

A two-pack handset (one per parent) and docking station combo, the MartyrMeter® takes the guesswork and arguing out of the competition for the title, Most Put-Upon Parent. Simply log your activities into the handset (see attached sheet of coded chores); at day's end, plug the handset into the docking station, where the MartyrMeter® will compute your daily miseries and stack them against your spouse's. Rest assured, our computational device has been programmed for complete accuracy. Winners may rest their case!

Note: the MartyrMeter Deluxe Edition® comes with a built-in lie detector. Do you suspect your spouse of fudging numbers and fibbing about times? Does parent-on-duty say the baby woke at 5am but you think it was probably closer to 6am? Just grab that Meter, and let our patented motion and heat sensing technology track your spouse's blood pressure while he or she holds the handset. If he's lying, we've got his number! Game Over!!

Crabmommy bio

I'm excited to share with you yet another bright idea generated by Crabmommy. I'm consistently amazed that light-bulbs can occasionally flash in my otherwise vacant Mommy-mind. As always, I am inspired by more famous inventor moms who also seem otherwise vacant. Like Baby Einstein's Julie.

The PelletTracker™

Changing babies is such a hassle. And accidents happen. What parent hasn't experienced the MPS or Missing Pellet Situation? You're changing young Colter, he squirms, and next thing, a hard deer-like pellet stool rolls off the stool and onto the floor. Only to disappear. And so you find yourself in the odd position of being on your hands and knees actually looking for poop, and—for the first time in your life—hoping to find it. Now that's depressing!

Search no more. With its patented stool-sensing technology, the PelletTracker™ wand need only be waved over the general area and presto! Poop alarm is sounded, with volume increasing as you home in on the target.

Devised by a mom, the PT incorporates the latest in materials analysis and GPS technologies. With an infra-red heat sensor programmed to perform detailed shape, color, and material recognition studies, you can be sure your PT will accurately and speedily locate stray stools within minutes, or your money back!

User friendly: Even the most brain-numbed mother need not worry about manuals and menus. With its one-touch button, and simple plug-in activation, the PT is ready when you are. It also clips onto the changing table or can be suspended from the wall (sucker grip included). Extension cord free with purchase. Cordless activation also available for an extra $39.99.
Attractive design: Necessary objects need not be ugly. To fit in with the modern nursery, the PT is available in hot-pink, retro-diner-blue, or pureed-organic-carrot-orange. A handy travel tote is also yours, absolutely free with purchase!

With the PelletTracker™ you can say goodbye to:

• accidental pellet-squishing
• leaving the changing station with that nagging feeling of unfinished business dogging you through the day
• having your baby hand you what looks like a raisin, except it is in fact, a weeks'-old diaper defector, MIA from the scene of defecation

Crabmommy bio

As promised, I will brief you monthly on the exciting new inventions I'm working on. It's truly amazing how many bright ideas can pop into an otherwise empty head on occasion, as Mommy Einstein proved. But her day has been and gone. Now it's Crabmommy's turn to rake it in and at the risk of sounding boastful—people, it's gonna happen. I am just loaded with clever concepts for Mommydom!

Last month I previewed the Baby Bjorn Clip-On Food Visor™. This month, Crabmom showcases another nifty invention designed to aid the mom on-the-go:

Ambient Legmower™
What busy mom has time to shave her legs? In the shower? You mean while Colicky Colette wails from her bouncy chair next to the tub? You mean while toddler Havana harasses Mommy from beyond the curtain, tossing Chapsticks into the loo and vacuuming the floor with Mommy's Sonicare toothbrush? Indeed, there is no worse venue for leg shaving than the bathroom. And as for time, what mother has any of that to spare on a single activity? Today's mom must multi-task.

That's why Mom needs the Ambient Legmower™. Developed by a busy mom-on-the-go, the Ambient Legmower works while Mom works. With its handy compact design (think lint buzzer or pencil sharpener with a closed-in casement to catch the leg-shavings), this sleek-lined shaving machine straps to your ankle and gently, discreetly, moves with the leg while Mom ambulates, adjusting to the natural contour of her leg with its patented Silhouette Sensor™.

With its unique mow-while-you-go movement and a whisper-quiet triple-bladed mechanism, the busy mom's mobile razor saves her time, sanity, and stubble embarrassment. Easy to program, the Ambient Legmower™ is the perfect present for the mom in motion.

So, what do you think, moms? Is this genius or what?

Crabmommy bio

When not complaining, I can often be found lying on the floor of my bedroom in a pool of sunlight dreaming of ways to strike it rich. Like Baby Einstein Mommy. Or the loo roll lady, the chick who invented that gadget so babies can't pull toilet paper. Once mere mortal SAHMers, now they're all, like, hiring fifty nannies and going to Hawaii constantly. Or in the case of Einstein mommy, going to see the Sistine chapel with the kids (even though secretly wishing she were in Hawaii—I know it).

Here's the amazing thing about lying on the floor, ignoring one's duties as mother and wife: good ideas happen. I've got several and I'm sure at least one will yield big bucks. Lucky reader, YOU will get periodic sneak peeks at my inventions. (Don't even think of stealing my ideas, by the way. Fuggedaboudit. They are trademarked, patented, registered.)

Here's my first offering:

Especially good for urban breastfeeding mamas on-the-go, this handy Clip-On Food Visor™ helps a hungry mom chow down while baby remains calm and crumb-free in her frontal carrier. Developed so mom can nosh, say, a GIANT FALAFEL from that really yummy falafel joint on 7th Ave in Park Slope, the Clip-On Food Visor™ attaches to your Bjorn (still figuring out the deal with the Bjorn-peeps on this one) right above baby's head, providing a tray to catch the chickpea run-off, thereby ensuring that
a) baby doesn't get tahini mixing with the cradle cap on her head
b) mom grubs hassle-free and hands-free

Economical and practical, the Clip-On Food Visor™ means out-of-my-mind-starving urban mom can eat whenever and wherever she wants without trying to hold a floppy, not-yet-ready-for-high-chair baby with one hand.

I'm bloody serious. Why doesn't Bjorn add this as an accessory? 

Crabmommy bio