A weekly roundup of events in parentsville, including the good, the bad, and the utterly trivial.

First, five old men in black robes deserve a big Bronx cheer for their Wednesday ruling that the nation's women should breed or die trying. By a 5-4 margin, the Supreme Court upheld a federal abortion ban, even when the woman's health is in serious danger. State lawmakers immediately began loading their cannons with anti-choice legislation aimed squarely at Roe v. Wade, the law that for the past 24 years relegated back-alley abortions to the dark ages. Salon has a thought-provoking roundup of the reaction of feminist bloggers and activists to this giant step backward for womankind.   

Anyway, too much thinking makes my brain hurt. Let's move on to another fine moment in celebrity parenting. Involving panty-challenged poptart ... Alec Baldwin. An unnamed source who goes by the code name Kim Basinger leaked a phone message from her ex to their 11-year-old daughter Ireland, who apparently didn't answer her phone for a planned call. "You are a rude, thoughtless little pig" and "your mother is a thoughtless pain in the ass," Baldwin yelled (thoughtfully) into Ireland's voicemail.

More evidence that celebrities should think before spawning: Will Ferrell's video on FunnyOrDie.com. In it, the breast-pump-toting comedian plays a tenant confronted by an angry landlord, in the guise of the 2-year-old daughter of Ferrell's writing partner Adam McKay. She's cute, blond, sweetly attired in a pretty dress, and ... get ready for the funny part ... swears like a sailor! Hahahahaha....umm, why are we laughing? Because we don't want to die. Of course, the video is a huge hit.

I note that both of these incidents involved girl celebabies. Which brings me, conveniently, to my next topic. According to a new study, the number of baby boys is declining in both the United States and Japan. Pollution is the culprit, killing off the weaker Y-chromosome toting sperm. But never fear, the Environmental Protection Agency is on the case. After the umpteenth recall, and an unfortunate incident or three, the EPA decided enough is enough, and banned leaded children's bracelets. You'd think that such a ban would already be in place, since we've known about the dangers lead poses to kids for, like, decades. You'd be wrong. Across the pond, the Brits were busily banning stuff too. On Monday, the U.K. laid to waist kid-aimed junk food ads.

Back to the global toxic soup, sans leaded kids' bracelets. Good news! Even if men are on the road to extinction, all is not lost. U.K. scientists announced that they've "coaxed" stem cells into becoming sperm. Which means women could conceivably conceive by producing their own sperm. Yeah, you heard me right. Next time, all you Supreme Court Y-chromosome types, I suggest you try thinking before you act.