A weekly roundup of news in parentville, including the good, the bad, and the utterly trivial.

Stop them before they rule again. In April, five old men in black robes ruled that the nation's women should breed or die trying. The Supremes upheld a federal abortion ban, even when the woman's health is in serious danger. Yesterday, the same five old men reversed course on the half-century old ruling that segregated education is inherently unequal. Slate has a blog reaction roundup for those of you who want a more thoughtful analysis than you'll get from this blogger, whose days of reading 185-page decisions began and ended in her first year of law school.

But you've come to the right place if you want to read about the upcoming ducky invasion of the U.K.

The armada of 29,000 plastic yellow ducks, blue turtles and green frogs broke free from a cargo ship 15 years ago. Since then they have traveled 17,000 miles, floating over the site where the Titanic sank, landing in Hawaii and even spending years frozen in an Arctic ice pack.

And now they are heading straight for Britain. D-day (for duckie, of course) will happen at some point this summer, when they are expected to be spotted on beaches in South-West England. Now that's a well-made toy.

A live ostrich is apparently a lot more delicate than a plastic ducky. A German farmer claimed that fireworks set off by three boys made his previously lustful ostrich, Gustav, apathetic and depressed, and thus unable to perform his ostrichly duties. So  if you plan to celebrate our nation's birthday with loud explosive materials this Wednesday, it's probably best to steer clear of your local ostrich farm.

More animal-unfriendly behavior, this  time in bucolic Chelsea, Vermont. A woman was charged with cruelty to a police animal for staring at and making faces at a police dog. State Attorney Will Porter dropped the charges shortly after they were filed, saying that he thought

it was going to be difficult to prove her conduct changed the dog's behavior. Most of the time (in harassment cases) people would come tell the court what it felt like. Dogs can't do that.

Smart thinking, especially for a prosecutor.

Attention, all you healthy types! Throw out the Veggie Booty (AKA baby crack). Not because it tastes like old ground up socks, but because it's been linked to 51 cases of salmonella poisoning.

Speaking of crack, a new study suggests that it's a good idea to lay off the white lines while you're pregnant. Doing coke in utero may have lasting effects on a kid's ability to pay attention during the early school years.

One last piece of advice, since I really really like you. Did you know that the 4th of July ranks as the nation's most dangerous holiday? Even minus the Veggie Booty and blow, it's an especially treacherous holiday for kids, who are three times more likely to get injured by fireworks than the general population. So drive safely and keep little fingers (and big drunk fingers) away from the explosives.

The merry sound of children squealing in delight is music to many people's ears.

Many but not all. Not, for instance, Sheila Brown, a New York resident who filed a complaint over the decibel levels attained by next-door-neighbors Ashley, 11, and Chloe, 5, enjoying their aboveground swimming pool.

The court dismissed the charges, because the town ordinance cited is usually reserved for "the shouting and crying of peddlers, hawkers and vendors, which disturbs the peace and quiet of the neighborhood."

Ms. Brown had this to say in her defense:

I have five dogs. Five dogs don't make this much noise.

Five dogs??? Ms. Brown must have very selective hearing.

Noise charge dismissed, kids' squeals OK [Yahoo! News]

When it comes to parenting matters like giving birth, warding off deadly diseases and teaching your kid to read, I'm all for seeking professional help. Parenting classes? (Thanks to Urban Baby for the tip!) Sure, why not? Raising kids in the 21st century is far from innate, so we could probably all benefit from a seminar or two.

But hiring a consultant to pick a name for your kid? I'm sorry, that is just lame. Especially when, for your $475, the consultant sends you a 15-page list. Thanks, that really narrows it down! And you end up with "Ava," a perfectly nice name but also, at the moment, the fifth most common girl's name in the country. You may as well close your eyes and point a finger at the top 10 list of most popular names. And send your money to someone who can give you truly useful advice, like me.

OTOH, there will always be the clueless parents-to-be who really do need a firm-but-gentle guiding hand. For instance, the New Zealand couple who wanted to name their newborn 4real. (the name police said no). Or the U.K. parents of poor little Autumn Brown, whose

full name, which left register office staff in Perton, Wolverhampton reeling is: Autumn Sullivan Corbett Fitzsimmons Jeffries Hart Burns Johnson Willard Dempsey Tunney Schmeling Sharkey Carnera Baer Braddock Louis Charles Walcott Marciano Patterson Johansson Liston Clay Frazier Foreman Brown.

(Mom likes boxing. So do mom's parents, who afflicted her similarly. Yet another example of the tyranny of tradition.)

Self-help tips can also come in handy. For instance, it's always a good idea to Google your choice, as Julie Tiedens learned when she typed her favorite name for a girl, Zoe Rose, into the search engine.

No, I'm not going to tell you what comes up. You'll have more fun checking it out for yourself.

The Baby Name Business [Wall Street Journal]

This is not current. It's not even news. It's just a different take on an old theme (what we journalists call an "evergreen"). But it's funny. And it's about my favorite topic -- poopy.  Plus, Dave Barry named his daughter after my daughter.

Duck reads to daughter [Polytechnic Online]

If the Catholic Church gets its way, the U.K. will be officially renamed The Island of Dr. Moreau.

The British parliament is debating whether to allow the creation of hybrid animal-human embryos for medical research. The current bill requires the embryos to be destroyed within two weeks and forbids implantation in a woman's womb.

But Roman Catholic bishops want women to have the right to bear the chimeras -- named after the mythical half-animal, half-human beast -- as their own children. In their submission to the committee in charge of the bill, they argued:

Such a woman is the genetic mother, or partial mother, of the embryo; should she have a change of heart and wish to carry her child to term, she should not be prevented from doing so.

I say, why not? I can think of all kinds of advantages of a half kid, half whatever. For instance, a kid/squid chimera might come equipped with extra arms and ink -- both very useful to have on hand. With a kid/cat combo, you could skip the poopy diaper phase and simply train your chimera to use a litter box. Of course, you'd have to be careful figuring out what goes with what. Like, remember the creepy chicken lady in Kids in the Hall? ("Gravel and grubs, gravel and grubs, I love to eat my gravel and grubs...") I'd steer waaaaaay clear of that combo.

Animal-human embryos need human rights, bishops say [Reuters]

 

I just finished flipping through my latest copy of One Step Ahead, a.k.a. porn for the paranoid parent. It's made me feeling verrrrrrry safety first. So today you heard first about the new napalm of the backyard: poison ivy 2.0. Now, let me introduce you to the hazards of big honkin' suburban assault vehicles with blind spots longer than a Boeing 747's slipstream.

According to Kids and Cars, a child safety advocacy group, each week at least two children are killed and another 50 are hurt in backover accidents. Most involve kids under the age of 5. In nearly 3 out of 4 cases, a direct relative is behind the wheel -- mom or dad, grandma or grandpa, aunt or uncle.

Most cars --even non-SUVs -- have blind spots that are at least 35 feet long -- longer than your typical driveway. What to do? There are two easy fixes. For about $100, you can get an audible warning sensor added to your car. Even better, opt for a rear camera, which will set you back only $300. Your cellphone has a camera, for crying out loud, so why not your car?

Lives shattered in driveway backover accidents [MSNBC]

Deep down, waaaaay deep down, past the layers of environmentalism, liberalism and all the other isms, a small selfish nugget of moi was secretly okay with global warming, because the thought of a mild winter here in New York, preferably lasting from Christmas Eve through no later than President's Day, greatly appealed.

Now I'm not so sure.

Because along with the parade of other horribles blamed on global warming -- holes in the ozone, dying frog populations, Osama Bin Laden (somehow, there's got to be a connection. I just know it) -- now they tell us that it's also responsible for a new, more poisonous poison ivy. Here's why:

Rising ambient carbon-dioxide levels create ideal conditions for the plant, producing bigger leaves, faster growth, hardier plants and oil that's even more irritating.

Yet one more reason the only safe way to go is to shut the door, close the blinds and turn on the television.

But if you insist on sending your kids outside for some fresh air, detoxify them with this upon their return. Because the only thing more miserable than a kid with poison ivy? You with poison ivy.

Climate changes are making poison ivy more potent [Wall Street Journal]

Sometimes I feel so remiss. For instance, that kerfuffle about poisonous toy trains like two weeks ago. Yeah, I rid my own house of the IQ-robbing Thomas and Co., but did I alert my own dear readers to the recall? No, because I'd rather write about breast milk cheese and dirty diaper bombs.

So this week, I resolve to provide insight on Serious Important Informative news items. Like, if you're looking for a guilt-free way to get your kid to go to bed early for once, consider dinner at Applebee's. Because they store their apple juice and margarita mix in identical containers, making it oh-so-convenient to "accidentally" serve your toddler a sippy cup of the good stuff from South of the Border.

That's what reportedly happened to one California toddler, who drank so much he barfed and had to go to the hospital, thus blowing the cover on the unspoken arrangement among bartender, parents and thirsty little ones that had probably kept that particular Applebee's busy for many years.

Now, wasn't that a useful and informative news tidbit? I feel so virtuous.

No juice: Toddler served margarita in sippy cup [MSNBC]

Last week, I reported that a doctor's group proposed designating video game addiction as a psychiatric disorder akin to alcoholism or compulsive gambling.

Over the weekend, they changed their minds (or, more likely, had their minds changed for them) saying more study was needed. As put by Dr. Stuart Gitlow, the head of the American Society of Addiction Medicine

There is nothing here to suggest that this is a complex physiological disease state akin to alcoholism or other substance abuse disorders, and it doesn't get to have the word addiction attached to it.

Which is such a bummer, because if video games "got" to have the word addiction attached to them, parents would finally have a real reason to pull the plug. Because they lead straight to heroin.

Addiction experts say video games not an addiction [Reuters]

I came across the Baby Be of Use books on the personal blog of our very own Crabmommy, and decided they were brilliant enough to put my hard-earned blogslave wages toward a four-book deluxe set. They arrived today and did not disappoint.

The books are all premised on the ever-so-practical idea that it's never too soon for payback. For instance, Baby Mix Me A Drink asks, simply:

Are you a parent? Are you thirsty? Too many of us allow our infant sons and daughters to lay about idly -- napping, drinking milk and sometimes "turning over." Why not have them mix you a cocktail? Thanks, Baby!

Inside are pictorial step-by-step instructions easy enough for a baby to follow. There's also books for fixing the car, making breakfast, and doing the finances.

Although my baby is now a defiant, instructionally immune 4-year-old, there are others in this house who have litter-ally enjoyed years of napping, drinking milk and sometimes "turning over," without ever lending a helping paw. Kitty, Mix Me A Drink!

A weekly roundup of news in parentville, including the good, the bad, and the utterly trivial.

Babies in Bihar, India, must be unusually precocious. Last week, a two-year-old was charged with leading a riot; a few months earlier, a three-month old baby accused of looting a bus. That town needs a visit from the Supernanny.

Elsewhere in India, a 15-year-old boy was too busy performing a Caesarean section to commit crimes. His dad says he's trying to get his kid in the Guinness Book of World Records. For stupidest parental aspirations, I supposed. C-section dad is facing some stiff competition from a couple in New Zealand. They want to name their newborn son 4real. Because after seeing the ultrasound, they were so

struck by the reality of his impending arrival.

The Kiwi name police rejected the request, saving the poor kid from the world's dumbest name. Unfortunately, he'll still have his parents to contend with, who are guaranteed to dream up other ways of humiliating their son.

I'll bet none of these parents are first-borns. A new study shows that number one sons have a higher IQ than kids that come later on. As a first-born myself, I can personally attest to the truth of the findings.

Speaking of smarts, here's a headline from the U.K.:

Nighttime use of baby dummies halves risk of cot death: research

The article itself is much more boring than the headline, but I'll give you the gist of it, because it's good to know. If you're a newbie parent worried about crib death -- which you should be, because it strikes pretty much at random -- get your infant on her back and stick in that binkie (a.k.a. "dummy" in England). Duct tape that sucker on if you have to. It's that important.

Criminals are getting younger every day, and not just in India. A five-year-old in Buffalo, NY, brought smiley-face-stamped packets of heroin to his daycare and distributed them to his friends, telling them it was candy. His parents defended their little pusher, saying, "At least he knows how to share."

What do heroin and video games have in common? If a group of doctors get their way, a common psychiatric disorder. There's a movement afloat to officialize video game addiction. Symptoms include playing a lotta lotta lotta video games.

Speaking of video games, don't expect Manhunt 2 to show up on Wal-Mart's shelves alongside the rest of the teenage time wasters. After the ultra-violent game was banned in the U.K. and Ireland, and got an adults-only rating in the U.S., manufacturer Take-Two said it would delay the launch of the game while it sat and sulked. In banning it, Irish censors says the game about a psychotic killer on a revenge spree is characterized by

gross, unrelenting and gratuitous violence.

Au contraire, says Take Two's chairman. He says the game is

a work of art.

Living in the Sun Belt? Better pull out the baby burkhas.

Strong new evidence suggests overall sun exposure in childhood, not just burns, is a big factor in the later development of deadly skin cancer.

Traditionally, the accusatory fingers have always been pointed at tan-and-burn-causing UVB rays -- the stuff blocked by SPF-containing sunscreens. Now it turns out the UVA rays are bad for you too. Even more alarming:

Where you live, not the every-so-often beach vacation, determines most of your UV exposure -- that lunchtime stroll, children's school recess or ball practice. UVA can even penetrate window glass.

Here's a handy index so you can check just how much sun trouble you're in. As for the promise of many sunscreens that they provide "broad spectrum" protection against UVA rays:

The term broad-spectrum "means nothing. Anybody can make that claim," says a frustrated Dr. Darrell Rigel of New York University.

So until your kids are 20, doctors are now recommending that you pull down the shades and put on the TV. It's the only safe thing to do.

Kids' sun exposure may be key to deadly cancer [MSNBC]

The French will smack their lips over just about anything they can shove in their mouths -- snails, frogs, coagulated pig's blood stuffed into an intestine, songbirds drowned in Armagnac.

So what about breast milk cheese? Mais bien sur!

A factory in France called Le Petit Singly claims to sell "l'authentique fromage au lait maternel de femme":

Fondee en 1947, la fromagerie Cosma a su retrouver la richesse d'une tradition fermiere ancestrale Ardennaise oubliee jusqu'alors. En effet, Petit Singly, le seul fromage au lait maternel de femme, est longtemps reste dans l'ombre des specialites fromageres plus ordinaires a base de lait de vache, de chevre, ou de brebis.

Here's the translation, via Babel Fish:

Founded in 1947, the Cosma cheese dairy knew to find the richness of a farm tradition ancestral Ardennaise forgotten hitherto. Indeed, Small Singly, the only cheese with the mother's milk of woman, remained a long time in the shade of the more ordinary cheese-making specialities containing ewe or goat, cow's milk.

Of course, breast milk cheese, like all brilliant inventions, has its skeptics. But I choose to believe, because life is more interesting that way. Besides, I've already written most of this post.

Now you finally have a use for those expired packets of breast milk cluttering up your freezer.

Meet Sariya Allan, another contender for my coveted Teacher of the Week award:

Ms. Allan, a U.K. teaching assistant, refused to let a seven-year-old girl in her class read from a Harry Potter book, telling the little girl, "I don't do witchcraft." Ms. Allan, a born again Pentecostal Christian, claims

she had been afraid of the spells in the books about a boy wizard and thought hearing it read aloud would have left her cursed.

After she was disciplined by the pro-witch cabal running the school, Ms. Allan sued for religious discrimination. But the witches burned her at the stake anyway.

Here's some unsolicited advice for Ms. Allan and company. Just save yourselves; don't worry about the rest of us. I mean, why even bother when that's the thanks you get for trying to protect the innocents from eternal damnation?

Teacher loses Harry Potter witchcraft tribu [Managing Diversity]

Q: Why aren't Jewish men big drinkers?

A: Because they associate their first sip of wine with getting their penis chopped off.

A growing number of Americans are deciding to spare their boys the weird, painful and basically unnecessary act of circumcision. The rate, which peaked at nearly 90% in the early 1960s, is now down to 57% nationwide. It's much higher in the heartland -- 79% in the upper Midwest -- where "solid Victorian, American" values rule. In California, the combined effect of Asian and Latino immigration and attachment parenting has pushed the rate down to 21%.

Want to learn more? You've come to the right place. Here's an anti-circumcision website. Mothers Against Circumcision features articles like "Smegma is beneficial not bad and cleaning is easy." They argue that circumcision is non-consensual amputation and that its original purpose (to discourage masturbation) was stupid to begin with. They have a cute logo too (right).

For the other view, check out this pro-circumcision website. They also have a cute logo. You can use your imagination. They are very rah rah. They say stuff like "Congratulations and enjoy your circumcised penis!" They take you on a tour of "circumcision around the world" and offer advice like:

Please note that none of these devices should be used to do a self-circumcision. Circumcision should always be performed by a trained and skilled healthcare provider.

Good to know the next time I get the urge to do a little slicing and dicing. Oh wait, I'm a girl. Phew.

Circumcision's decline pinned on immigration [MSNBC]
Mothers against circumcision
Circlist [pro-circumcision site]

Sorting mail has got to be one of the world's most dangerous jobs, right up there with the midnight shift at 7-11 and drumming for a big-hair band. First, the post office had to contend with the Unabomber. Then anthrax. Now  it's  dirty diapers.

A foul-smelling unmarked package led to the evacuation of a post office next to the Smithsonian's National Postal Museum. The bomb squad was called in, x-rayed the offending box, and determined that it contained two cans of spinach and a dirty diaper.

"No wonder it smelled," said Deborah Yackley, a spokeswoman for the U.S. Postal Service. "I don't know why it was being mailed."

Ask any mom of a tweenage boy with a yucky baby sister. She'll tell you why.

Smelly package leads to post office evacuation [Examiner.com]

Richard Gere is coming to a school near you.

"Dozens" of schools nationwide are embracing "mindfulness," in which stress-reducing techniques drawn from Buddhist meditation are  taught to students, wedged between reading and spelling tests.

It's about loving kindness, being in the present, cultivating compassion.

Or, as put by one student practitioner, it's about "not hitting someone in the mouth."

Sometimes it works. Kids tell parents succumbing to road rage to "sing the breathing song." Moms like Towana Thomas say they notice the difference too:

He doesn't know what to do with his energy. But one day after school he told me, 'I'm taking a moment.' If it works in a child's mind - with so much going on - there must be something to it.

Sometimes it backfires:

Glenn Heuser, who teaches a combined fourth- and fifth-grade class at Piedmont, said one student started crying about a dead grandparent and another over melted lip balm.

(You may laugh, but it's well documented that lip balm is highly addictive. Just ask the folks over at Lip Balm Anonymous.)

In the Classroom, A New Focus on Quieting the Mind [New York Times]

I'm so excited! It's only Monday and I've already got three prime candidates for my Teacher of the Week Award:

Contender 1: A Connecticut middle school teacher, for taking payoffs to excuse kids from detention. The price for freedom -- just $2 or $3. Seems reasonable to me. Call it a life lesson -- a little palm greasery can go a long way.

Contender 2: A Connecticut middle school substitute teacher (what's up with Connecticut middle schools this week?) convicted of surfing a school computer for porn, then letting her students in on the action. This smells like a setup. As between a 40-year-old woman and a classroom of 13-year-old boys, who's more likely to be checking out smutty pix online?

Contender 3: A Washington middle school music teacher, after 8th grade honors student Savannah Larson gave this heartfelt speech to a concert audience of 700 students, parents and teachers:

"I forgot to thank my wonderful choir teacher, Ms. Noakes, for all that she's taught me these past couple of years, like always knowing what to say in any situation, like...," Larson began, then let fly a stream of expletives and obscenities she said Noakes regularly used in class.

Ms. Noakes -- you are so busted.

I'm sure there's many more teachers out there making a mark in their own special way. Send in your fave contenders via comment below....
 

A weekly roundup of news in parentville, including the good, the bad, and the utterly trivial.

Dad's special day is less than 48 hours away, which means there's still puh-len-ty of time for kids to hit the mall to play video games buy Dad a last minute gift. Some ideas:

Flip-flop bottle opener: Because nothing says super cool dad like opening a beer with the bottom of your flip-flop. So sanitary too.

Gold Man toilet attachment: A urinal-like over-the-seat porthole that's supposed to keep man pee from straying outside its designated receptacle. Call it the pee-brella. Also handy for barfing sessions.

Secret Agent School: A day of indulging in OO7 fantasies. Sorry, dad, Pussy Galore is not included.

Anyway, three cheers for the daddies of the world! A new, thoroughly unscientific, study shows that men tend to people their offices with photos of the wife and kids; women with just the kids. Why? One shrink says dads view their office pix to be:

a symbol, as one of my colleagues said, that they've made it. It's a status.  The family's intact.

Moms have a totally different perspective:

The mother is saying, "These are my kids, this is my life -- you may think I'm here at work, but I have a second shift, and here it is, represented." The husband becomes a little ancillary.

The article says this lopsided view of family "says something about relationships" ... something not good. I say, so what? It's when pix of strangers start showing up that you worry.  Or maybe a pic of dear old dad. A new, slightly more scientific, study shows that women like men who look like their father. Not all women; just the daddy's girls. Eeeewwwww yucky.

You, me and Wii. The adult-friendly video game has many more dads and  their spawn spending quality time over the console. "It may be geek talk, but we're still communicating," says one fan. "How many parents sit down and do things on a consistent basis with their kids?"

Like eat dinner together. Apparently, the quaint tradition of the family meal is the key to keeping kids off drugs and on the road to Harvard. If that is an impossibility, the New York Times' Lisa Belkin says sprawling "on the couch with the boys, arms and legs entangled, critiquing our favorite TV shows," works too.

Now I have this image of a octopus-like creature composed of mother Belkin and her smelly boys etched in my brain. And now, you do too.

Happy Father's Day.

I was going to include this piece in Crib Sheet, my end-of-week news roundup, but I decided it deserved its own post. Because it made me laugh. And gave me some great gift ideas for this Sunday.

Peter Hartlaub of the San Francisco Chronicle scoured Bay Area malls to sniff out the world's worst gifts for Dad. The competition was stiff -- as Hartlaub observed "if you're not a golfer or an alcoholic, 90 percent of the bounty is useless."

Hartlaub, who also blogs for The Poop, singles out the crappiest of the crap, stuff like Old Spice (unless you're a kid who doesn't want any more siblings, it's best to avoid this product); cartoon ties (Dad will feel pressured to wear the tie at least once, he will lose respect at work and be passed up for promotions if not demoted altogether); and the singing, dancing chihuahua (Why not just jab Dad in his ear canal with a screwdriver for Father's Day?) But this one was my fave:

The Worthless Coupon ($0.00)

Yes, we've always taught our children that it's the thought that counts. Except in this case, it doesn't.

While a well-thought-out piece of artwork from your child can be pretty cool, nothing says "I waited until the last minute, Dad" like a free coupon with no actual monetary value. ("Good for one free hug" ... "good for two back rubs" ... etc.)

Fathers who get this should stockpile the coupons until the kid reaches prime parent-hating age, and then demand to cash in when she's in front of a large group of friends, or when he's on his first date.

Or better yet, bust out the crayons and give your kid the exact same thing for Christmas, insisting that it's his only gift.

"But Dad, I want a bike!"

"And I wanted a new cordless drill on Father's Day. Do you want your free hug now?"

Happy Father's Day, guys. Enjoy your free hugs.

World's worst gifts for world's best dads [San Francisco Chronicle]

Moms tired of looking at the buttcracks of their mini gangstas should consider a move to Cajun country.

In Delcambre, Louisiana, kids who sag their britches, or wear pants that show undergarments or certain parts of the body, risk a $500 fine.

The mayor's advice for kids who like their pants to hang low:

Just wear it properly. Cover your vital parts. I mean, if you expose your private parts, you'll get a fine. If you walk up and your pants drop, you get a fine. They're better off taking the pants off and just wearing a dress.

I guess simply looking away isn't an option.

City Lays Saggy Pants To Waist [Newsday]

Back when I was single, childless, and free-to-be-me, I came across this list of parenting tips. I had a baby anyway, because no childless person believes any of this stuff is true.

MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. 

NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4 a.m. Set alarm for 5 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of children's scissors, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST

Sell the Mini Cooper and buy a minivan. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Jam it into the CD player. Buy a pack of smiley face stickers. Stick them all over the windows. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

PHYSICAL TEST

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

SANITY TEST

Carry two tape recorders around for 24 hours. One of them is a voice that says, "Not that one, Mommy. I don't like that one," which plays every time you lift your arm to reach for something. The other one continuously plays the same eight Barney songs.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

A Florida teenager fought off a would-be thief of his PlayStation 3 with his samurai sword.

Damian Fernandez and his sister were alone in their house in Florida when two men broke in through the front door. The sister hid in the closet, leaving her bro, who was asleep in the next room, to fend for himself. Love you too, sis!

The burglars took some jewelry and whatnot while Damian, who had apparently woken up by this point, lounged in his bed. But then one of the thieves got greedy and made the fatal mistake of going after the PlayStation 3:

Damian lunged at him with his samurai sword, striking him in the chest."He freaked out," Damian said.

Damian thought that was pretty cool, so when the burglar ran out of the house, he chased him down the road. The cops eventually nabbed the guy, who was hiding behind a neighbor's palm tree.

Steal my Playstation 3?  Only after you've pried my samurai sword from my cold dead fingers.

Teen scares off burglar with samurai sword [Local10.com]

He's Pampered and dangerous.

For the fourth time in weeks, a man has gone into a restroom at various Oklahoma convenience stores in normal clothing and come out wearing nothing but a diaper.

He's exposed himself twice. (How does that work when you're wearing a diaper?)

Police say the diaper flasher has "a distinct hairstyle and is very skinny." Just in case people don't recognize him by the fact that he's wearing nothing but a diaper.

Diaper Flasher Strikes Again [Fox23.com]

Doctors have long believed super deadly ovarian cancer to give no warning until it's far advanced. Now, they're saying, that's not quite true. Here's what to look out for:

Bloating, pelvic or abdominal pain, difficulty eating or feeling full quickly and feeling a frequent or urgent need to urinate.

Is this the most unhelpful set of symptoms ever? Most women I know live in a semi-permanent state of bloat and needing to pee. 

Even Dr. Barbara Goff, who has authored studies identifying the symptoms, says the vast majority of the time, it's gonna be indigestion, bladder infections, PMS, etc. But it could just happen to be ovarian cancer. Dr. Goff says that she doesn't "want to scare people," but if you let that sucker go for just three months --

you can wind up with disease everywhere.

Thanks, Doc, for sharing. You've now caused a collective freak out about ovarian cancer, and jammed the phone lines of OB/GYN's nationwide.

P.S. Cancer really isn't funny, unless you're a cartoon.

Symptoms Found for Early Check on Ovarian Cancer [NY Times]

You will be annoying your friends and family with choice Stewie quotes for days.