What a Charmin couple! That's Jennifer Cannon, the bride, looking gorgeous in a bridal gown made out of toilet paper. The groom, Doy Nichols, wore the traditional cloth getup, though he may have a few rolls of the white stuff tucked in under his vest. Hard to tell.

The two tied the knot in a temporary public toilet in Times Square. Hey, I know that toilet! It's right across the street from Cookie Magazine's world headquarters!

The ceremony was sponsored by Mr. Whipple.

The dress was designed by Hanah Kim, winner of the 2007 Toilet Paper Wedding Dress Contest.

I hope everyone involved got paid alotta alotta alotta money.

You're gonna have a baby. You think it would be cool for the entire world to know. What to do?

You could name your child @, like a couple in China earlier this year. Or 4real, then later, when the New Zealand name police reject your application, rename the kid Superman. Or, in the latest silly name to make the news, Friday.

(Which actually doesn't seem that odd to me, since I know a whole generation of hippie kids who were inflicted with names like Sunshine and Strawberry -- i.e., whatever mom happened to see through the window when she gave birth in her kitchen.)

But Italian courts would have none of such foolishness. They rejected the couple's attempt to name their kid Venerdi, saying it would bring the child shame and ridicule to be named after the Robinson Crusoe character. The court said the name:

• recalled the figure of a savage, which would create a sense of inferiority and fail to guarantee the boy the necessary decorum.
• would bar the boy from "serene interpersonal relationships" and turn him into the "laughing stock of his group."
• as a day of the week, raised a sentiment of sadness and penitence, when not being associated with bad luck outright.

I guess they really didn't like the name.

Anyway, once you're grown up, you can rename yourself anything you want. Which is exactly what Daddy Fantastic, nee Robert Sullivan, a carpenter from Gloucester, England, did after a night out drinking with buddies. Same with Bobby Dazzler and Something Long And Complicated and ... Mouth Who Wants To Know O'Mighty. But please, just call him Mouth.

Italian court: Child cannot be named Friday [USA Today]
 

For those of you looking for advice on Raising a Thinking Child, "The View" recently featured a segment on just that topic.

In it, newest co-host Sherri Shepherd, a conservative African American actress/comedian/"woman of faith" tells an anecdote about taking her two-year-old son Jeffrey to a "rich white folks' store," where the kid proceeds to have a total meltdown, because Sherri woke him up early from his nap so she could check out the store's sale. Sadly for Sherri, because of Giggle's racial dynamic, she couldn't do what she would normally do to make him stop screaming. As she put it, ever so delicately:

This wasn't a store that looked like they beat the kids. So I had to do as the Romans do when I was in the Roman store.

Sherri, by the way, also isn't sure whether the world is round or flat. She said if her son asked her that question, she'd have to take him to the library to find out. (Hi!  Do you have any books about the shape of the earth?) Click on the link at your own risk of having the following thought bounce around your brain for the next few days: How do people like that get to air their opinions every day to the entire world on national television and get paid beaucoup bucks to boot while I languish here in obscurity?

I hope Sherri succeeds in getting her child to think. Because somebody's got to in that family.

Actually, Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar are both very funny. And smart. And non-cringe-y.

Did you know that First Feeding was in the same writing class as Joy Behar, pre-fame-and-fortune? (Hers, not mine. Sigh.)

The View - Raising a Thinking Child [YouTube]

T'was two days before Christmas, and Santa was in Los Angeles. He decided to take a break and relax with a couple of rum and cokes.

He then thought it would be fun to go for a ride. But not in the sleigh. In his spankin' new 2008 Chevy Impala (thanks, Mrs. Claus!)

And without that damn Santa suit! So hot and itchy!

What to wear? Hmm, what do they wear in Los Angeles? He didn't want to look too conspicuous.

How about

a blond wig, red lace camisole, purple G-string, black leg warmers and black shoes? And his red hat, of course. (It is, after all, his signature.)

That's how the Los Angeles CHiPs found Santa on Sunday when he got out of his car in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood. But did they show the jolly fat man any respect? Hardly. In fact they took away his car keys, forcing him to call the missus on the cell and bring the sleigh around.

Was this Santa an imposter? That's what the cops seemed to believe:

We are pretty sure this is not the Santa Claus, Deputy Chief Ken Garner said.

Deputy Chief Garner better be right or you know he got coal in his stocking this year.

Santa in a G-string gets a DUI [Los Angeles Times]

Were you more naughty than nice this year? Did you skip mass because you were too hungover? Was Christmas for you more an exercise in crass consumerism than in spirituality? Or are you simply a non-believer in the whole Judeo-Christian heaven-hell thing but wouldn't mind a backup plan just in case you got it wrong?

Reserve a Spot in Heaven is just the ticket for people like you (and me). Now it is possible to enjoy your sin-filled life worry free, because you've a ticket to Heaven. Check it out. For a mere $15.95 plus $2 shipping, you get:

• Heavenly issued certificate of reservation registered in the Book of Light
• A First class ticket to Heaven. Why walk those stairs when you can fly?
• The Official Heaven Identification Card so you can get  around without getting hassled.
• Heaven 101 mini informational guide. Don't be a victim of  culture shock. Get acquainted with the land.
• All access VIP pass. This pass will grant you access to VIP exclusive areas including the Land of Milk and Honey, where all the elite get together and kick it.

How is this possible? Well, according to the website, Reserve a Spot in Heaven is the ONLY official distributor of reservations into Heaven -- directly affiliated and sent down by The Board of Heavenly Officials.

And best of all, they offer a money back guarantee, if, for some reason, you  experience any difficulties making it in.

They get some fun hate mail too.

As First Feeding readers know, Santas across both ponds are being sanitized with a vengeance. U.K. Santas are on a diet and their sleighs are being fitted with seat belts; Aussie Santas can ho ho ho no mo.

Here in the Americas, Santas don't have to put up with such p.c. nonsense. Although they do have to contend with the occasional gunfire, unidentified flying objects and naughty women on crutches.

Over the weekend, a Connecticut woman groped a 65-year-old mall Santa while sitting on his lap, in front of a whole line of kids waiting for their turn. Not nice!  She then hobbled off on a pair of crutches into the waiting arms of the cops, who charged her with sexual assault and disturbing the peace.

Another Santa in Washington was cold-cocked by an unidentified object (a lump of coal?) while riding in his sleigh in the annual Santa Run, in which local firefighters drive around the suburbs and hand out candy to kids. The object, which knocked Santa unconscious, broke his nose and gave him a concussion and two black eyes.

It could have been worse. A Brazilian Santa copter was raked with gunfire as it flew over a Rio de Janeiro shantytown en route to a poor neighborhood to distribute presents. The chopper managed to land safely and out of harm's way, and Santa made the rest of the trip by car. Santa said he felt bad because the kids were looking forward to seeing him arrive by helicopter. But given the choice between a dead Santa by air and a live Santa by land, I'm pretty sure they'd pick the latter.

I'll bet Santa can't wait to get back to the North Pole.

Tasers are the new mace, and they're coming to a house party near you.

Combining the best in paranoia and entrepreneurship, Dana Shafman, founder of Shieldher Inc., has started sponsoring Taser parties in her native Arizona. The parties give women the chance to try and buy the Taser C2, the newest consumer Taser that is actually stronger than the one used by the police. As Dana explains:

I felt that we have Tupperware parties and candle parties to protect our food and house, so why not have a Taser party to learn how to protect our lives and bodies.

The so-called Lady Taser delivers 50,000 action-packed volts via skin-penetrating darts from as far as 15 feet away, rendering its target immobile for up to 30 seconds. In comparison, police Tasers only last for 5 seconds. Dana said the consumer model's voltage lasts longer to give the owner more time to escape.

It's available in fashion colors of pink, blue, silver or black.

Tasers are not considered a firearm, although they've been implicated in numerous deaths and are outlawed in 7 states. In November, the U.N. decided that Tasers qualify as a torture device.

Dana likes the comfort of having a torture device or two at the ready. She used to sleep with knives in her nightstand until she found out about Tasers.

Let's just hope it's not the same nightstand where Dana keeps her sex toys. She could be in for a rude surprise if in the heat of the night she grabbed the wrong device. Shock it to me, baby!

Taser parties stunning success with female clients [Arizona Republic]

As my faithful readers know, First Feeding is highbrow stuff. No fishing around in the fetid depths of celebrity waters here, no matter how tempting it may be. There are plenty other blogs to feed your need for sordid celebreeder gossip....like....argggghhhh....ZOEY 101 IS KNOCKED UP!!!!

16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears, star of the top-rated Nickelodeon show, says she's 3 months pregnant with her ex-boyfriend of 2 years, Casey Aldridge.

Apparently, Jamie Lynn felt that big sis Brit had stolen the family's spotlight for long enough. It was time for her turn in The Sun ... and The Star and the National Enquirer and all the other pubs that make their living off the weak moments of people (like this blog) waiting in line at the grocery store.

Lynne Spears, already grandma to Brit's 2 kids, told OK!:

I didn't believe it because Jamie Lynn's always been so conscientious. She's never late for her curfew. I was in shock. I mean, this is my 16-year-old baby.

In fact, last week, according to In Touch, Brit was the one knocked up, with her 3rd kid.

Also, mom's probably peeved because this news could make her upcoming Christian parenting book a much tougher sell.

Jamie Lynn told OK! that she plans to raise the baby in her home state of Louisiana "so it can have a normal family life."

Disney is a powerful force in most American kids' lives but does it cross the line into religion? A Canadian professor named Jennifer Porter is preparing to study that idea in a college course she's teaching at Memorial University in St. John's. As she explains:

The theme park productions, fireworks displays and so on always involve a morality tale and a requirement of the audience to believe in the power of good, and believe in the power of wishes.

At least one Disney fan agrees. He says Mickey & Co.'s got at least the beginnings of a religion. He points out:

There are cathedrals (the theme parks), acolytes (myself, other Disney authors and subject matter authorities), and even worship meetings (NFFC groups, MouseFest, and online discussion boards).

As a parent, you can choose to be thrilled or disturbed by the idea depending on which side of the fence you are on. Here's some food for thought to help you decide: In virtually all the Disney fables, from Bambi to Cinderella, moms are strangely absent, killed or appear in the guise of evil step-momsters.  I don't know about you, but a cult that won't have me as a member ain't my kind of cult.

School lunches are notoriously awful. The mac and cheese is rubbery, the string beans are like ... well ... string, the chicken is as tough as shoe leather.

So who can fault a girl for taking matters into her own hands and bringing her own steak knife from home to cut her food?

School authorities, for one. They've arrested a 10-year-old student at Sunrise Elementary School in Florida for doing just that.

The girl, who told the cops that she had brought the knife to school several times before, had never threatened anyone with it. She just used it to cut her food.

They arrested her anyway, took her to the ominous-sounding Juvenile Assessment Center, and charged her with felony possession of a weapon on school property.

As well they should. The law is the law and school officials can't be expected to use their own common sense or judgment in applying it.

And while they're at it, they should replace regular knives and forks (so pokey!) with sporks.  If it's good enough for prisoners, it's good enough for kids. [Insert Andy Rooney-like "humph" here.]

Student Arrested After Cutting Food With Knife [Local6.com]

I am one of those pious better-than-you parents who refuses to take my kid to Mickey D's. (Of course, I will happily take her to Starbucks for a chocolate muffin as big as her head. Oh the hypocrisy!)

So, yeah, I found it disturbing to learn that McDonald's is pushing its fast food fare on the report cards of an elementary school in Florida. Kindergartners thru 5th graders in Seminole County get a free Happy Meal or other food prize for A's and B's, citizenship and attendance. Ronald McDonald himself announces the prize on the front of each card.

In exchange, Mickey D's foots the school's $1600 cost of printing the report cards.

In July, McDonald's was one of the 11 companies who pledged to either ban advertising to children under 12 or limit them to food and snacks that meet certain nutritional guidelines.

So what gives? Well, Happy Meals now offer apple slices, milk and "premium" chicken (as opposed to what? Feet and feathers?) as an option. Like any kid worth his junk food would go for that over a burger and fries.   

We are McDonalds. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

McDonald's Blasted for Advertising on Report Cards [Brandweek]

eBay has so many awesome ideas for Xmas presents. Here's one you can give to the whole world! The seller has built a doomsday device (pictured right). You are bidding on stopping the seller from pushing the button. As the seller explains (in huge psychotic red block letters):

IF I DON'T RECEIVE ENOUGH ATTENTION FROM THIS AUCTION (AND BIDS) I WILL PRESS THIS BUTTON (I REALLY WILL) AND RELEASE UPON THE EARTH (WELL, REALLY CAN'T TELL YOU THAT, IT'S A SECRET).

BUT REST ASSURED IT WILL NOT BE NICE! THE ONLY WAY TO STOP ME IS TO BID OFTEN AND BID HIGH!

THE WINNER OF THIS AUCTION WILL BE THE HERO THAT SAVED THE PLANET EARTH AND WILL RECEIVE A BOX, WHAT IS IN THE BOX IS MY  LITTLE SECRET! AND MY GIFT TO YOU!

The seller is also available to answer any questions bidders may have. (I guess s/he types with one hand since the other is hovering over the button.) For instance:

Q: Do the consequences of pushing the button have anything to do with the supply of feta cheese in the world?

A: CHEESE!!! YOU MENTIONED CHEESE!!! OH THE PAIN!!! THE VOICES ARE SAYING DON'T WAIT ANOTHER SECOND, PUSH IT NOW!!!!!!!

And another:

Q: you sound like a brain dead loser, I hope the feds show up at your house and haul your stupid ass to jail. Say hi to bubba and post pics of your wedding in jail loser.

A: THAT'S WHAT THE INTERNET IS FOR: SLANDERING OTHERS ANONYMOUSLY!!! THE VOICES ARE TELLING ME THAT YOU WILL MAKE A FINE SLAVE WHEN IT IS OVER!!!

$9,100 for Guitar Hero or $21.00 to save the planet?  Hmm, tough choice. But I kinda want to know what's in the box, don't you?

A Canadian dad who got pissed when he caught his 15-year-old son smoking pot sold the poor kid's Christmas present on eBay.

For -- gulp, choke, gasp -- $9,100!

The present: the super-hard-to-find Guitar Hero for the Nintendo Wii. It took dad two weeks of searching and $90 to score one for his son. As he recounted on the eBay site:

I was so relieved in that I had finally got the Holy Grail of Christmas presents pretty much just in the nick of time. I couldn't wait to spread the jubilance to my son.

Then, yesterday, I came home from work early and what do I find? My innocent little boy smoking pot in the back yard with two of his delinquent friends.

Dad's a little clueless. First, all guitar heroes smoke pot. It's a requirement. Second, his son is neither innocent nor little. He's a delinquent pothead just like his friends.

But thanks to his son's bad behavior, dad is $9,000 richer. I think he can afford a game or three. Dad agrees. He says he is still thinking about getting his son a game:

Maybe something like Barbie as the Island Princess or Dancing with the Stars ... I know he will just love them.

And just to twist the knife in a little more, dad should pick up a ticket stub from the recent Led Zeppelin reunion concert. They're going for $250 a pop but worth every penny to remind the recipient that he wasn't there.

Dad sells son's 90-dollar video game online for more than $9000 [Yahoo! News]

Barbara Wellensiek of Edmonton, Canada, has a 19-year-old son named Janson Towers. In the last two years, he has had 10 speeding tickets, 2 fender benders and a rear-ender that totaled his car.

Why, you may ask, does Barbara still let Janson get behind the wheel of a moving vehicle? The kid obviously poses a serious hazard to himself and anyone unfortunate enough to be sharing the road with him.

Well, it's a moot point now. The insurance company has taken matters into its own hands, and raised Janson's annual premium to $104,566.63.

Barbara thought it was a typo, but the insurer said, nope, that's the rate all right.

Hey Janson?  It's time to trade your ride in for a Vespa and some defensive driving lessons.

Despite his bad driving, woman shocked by son't $100,000 insurance premium  [National Post]

When my daughter was 2, I asked her what she wanted Santa to bring her for Christmas. She thought a moment and said, "a fruit snack."

If only kids could stay free of the greedy grasp of our capitalist/consumerist ways forever, but unless they move in with the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala, they won't get very far in life.

Here's 12 excellent ways to teach your kids financial savvy direct from the mouth of the smart money source itself, the Wall Street Journal.

Some of the tips -- like opening savings accounts in your kids' names -- are old hat. Others are pretty clever. For instance, I like the soda game:

When my children were young and we went to restaurants, I would give them a choice: They could have a soda or they could have $1.

Henry and Hannah ended up drinking a lot of water.

The soda game teaches kids to delay gratification by making them feel like they're spending their own money.

It's never too soon to start teaching your kids money smarts, even -- especially -- if you have none of your own. 

12 Ways to Make Your Kids Financially Savvy [Wall Street Journal]

Looking for the perfect mate?  Waste not a moment longer with unscientific techniques like drunken office holiday parties and online dating services. Instead, head straight to ScientificMatch.com, whose "patent pending technology"

uses your DNA to find others with a natural odor you'll love, with whom you'd have healthier children, a more satisfying sex life, and more.

For a bargain basement rate of $1,995 (hey, we're talking scientifically proven love here, people!), the company says it will analyze immune system genes to identify compatible mates. Because ...

Nature attracts us to our genetic matches with our noses. The fact is, we love how other people smell when their immune systems are different from ours -- they smell sexier.

According to a press release, the company is a one-man-with-a-vision operation headed by Eric Holzle, a Northeastern University graduate. Holzle told the Boston Globe that every source confirming his company's claims "meets the gold standard of scientific research."

So there you have it. I don't know about you, but I'm a believer. As they say, the nose knows.

But if for some unfathomable reason things don't work out on the simpatico smell front -- and you're still stuck with the same old smelly husband -- you could also try eliminating his body odor altogether with Nullo. It's a small pill taken twice a day by the offending object that neutralizes stinky pits, feet, private parts, morning breath, and whatever other objectionable smells your husband wafts forth. It even works on the dog -- it's that strong. And it's just $26.95 for a one month supply for both husband and pooch. So what if you and your mate are odorifically incompatible. Now that you've got Nullo, you just don't care!

It's no secret that the apple doesn't fall far from the family tree -- that disorders tend to be passed down from parent to child.

Yet with the new trend in slapping a psychiatric label on every kind of offbeat behavior or learning problem a kid has -- the number has tripled since the early 1990s, to more than six million diagnoses a year -- parents of these kids are starting to say, "Hey, that's me too!"

That's cool because it helps these parents understanding themselves -- and their own problems or quirks -- better. And sometimes, they even get to pop the same pills as their kids.

One of my hobbies is flipping through the DSM IV (the shrink's bible, that classifies and describes every psych disorder) and secretly diagnosing everyone in my family. So far, however, I have been unable to pin down my daughter's problem, other than being 4 years old and the self-proclaimed Queen of the Universe.

Hmm, interesting ... Maybe I think I'm the Queen of the Universe too? According to the DSM IV, that qualifies me for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Yeah, that fits. Because it's definitely all about me.

Your Child's Disorder May Be Your's Too [New York Times]

Ever wonder why women don't topple forward onto their face when they're 8 months pregnant?

Me neither, but I'm glad that I now know the answer. Marvels of evolutionary engineering that we are, slight differences from men in women's lower backs and hip joints allow us to adjust the center of gravity during the course of pregnancy. It's a good thing too, says researcher Liza Shapiro:

That's a big load that's pulling you forward. You experience discomfort. Maybe it would be a lot worse if (the design changes) were not there.

The differences -- a lower lumbar vertebra is wedged-shaped in women and more square in men and a key hip joint is 14 percent larger -- also mean less back pain for pregnant women.

What about guys with bellies the size of a baby or bigger? What keeps them upright?  For one, guys usually take years to grow those quarter kegs, rather than months, meaning they have more time to adjust. Shapiro also guessed they use their back muscles to compensate, but that probably means more back pain.

So should you be married to a guy with a gut, the next time he asks you to grab him a beer from the fridge, have a little sympathy. Bipedalism is tough going for him and his ilk.

Study finds evolutionary change help pregnant women keep balance [Boston Globe] 

Kids treated with the popular ADHD drugs Ritalin and Adderol are 20 percent more likely to end up in the ER or a doctor's office with a racing heartbeat or other heart-related symptoms than other kids.

At the same time, deaths or serious heart problems from the drugs are rare.

Still, researchers said, more studies need to be done on the side effects of the drugs, since so many kids are on them. The drugs act like speed, raising blood pressure and heart rate.

3 or 4 million kids take drugs to control ADHD. Critics contend they've become the new prescription designer drugs and are way overprescribed.  They say doctors are too quick to write the 'scripts, after a few moments' observation of "boisterousness." Fans, however, say the drugs are effective, with very few serious side effects.

Having taken Adderol once (strictly for research purposes--see how dedicated I am to my readers?) I can see how it helps one's focus on the task at hand, whether it's homework or a Power Point presentation or cleaning the house. I can also see how it causes kids to end up in the ER. It's like drinking ten cups of coffee without the jitters or sour stomach. Wheeeeee!

ADHD drugs may boost ER visits [MSNBC]

As I reported last month, U.K. Santas are being put on a diet. British shopping malls want their Santas to set a good example for the kids who idolize him. (You know, "Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be big and fat and wear a red suit, just like Santa!")

Seems a little over-the-top to me. What next, make Santas say "ha ha ha" instead of "ho ho ho" because moms might reconstrue their laugh as a sexist insult? Oh wait, they did that too.

Now, people who love Santa just the way he is are fighting back with the Keep Santa Fat campaign.Their slogan:

It's Not Xmas If He's Not XL.

They've launched a grass-roots campaign with a petition, tee-shirts and the like. If you're outraged too by what they're trying to do to His Jolliness, simply click on the link to do your part. Because, as the website so aptly notes, "the last we checked, six-pack abs do not shake like a bowl full of jelly."

It's one of the fundamental tenets of our democracy: the right to post obnoxious, grammatically challenged, anonymous comments on blogs. So imagine the surprise a suburban Milwaukee high school chemistry teacher must have felt when he was arrested for a Nov. 16 comment he left on http:www.bootsandsabers.com, a conservative blog covering Wisconsin politics.

James Buss, posting as "Observer," was responding to commenters who complained teachers were underworked and overpaid. An ex-president of the teacher's union, Buss allegedly wrote that teacher salaries made him sick because they're lazy and work only 5 hours a day. He then praised the Columbine gunmen who killed 12 students and a teacher in April 1999.

"They knew how to deal with the overpaid teacher union thugs. One shot at a time!" he wrote, adding they should be remembered as heroes.

At least one teacher complained to the cops, who contacted the blog, who gave up Buss' IP address. He was arrested and is now waiting to see if he's charged with disorderly conduct and unlawful use of computerized communication systems.

Click here if you're looking for insight into what's OK to say under the First Amendment, because I don't do the law thing on this blog. But if you asked me to put on my lawyer hat, I'd say even if Buss were serious (which I doubt) the comment's protected, if in rawther poor taste.

Just so you know, this blogger will never give up the IP addresses of her loyal commenters. That goes for both my husband and my sister.

Wisconsin Teacher Arrested for Blog Comment [Washington Post]

In researching dollhouses for my daughter, I came across this fantastic find on eBay:

BARBIE CRACK HOUSE - MUST SACRIFICE!! NO RESERVE!!!!!

Before you get too excited, I should warn you -- it's definitely a fixer upper. According to the description, which reads as if Babble's stoner mom toked up and got creative with her kid's collection of Barbies, the former occupants'  "business pursuits" took a real toll on the house. In fact, it's basically been gutted. But it does come with

all vehicles, furniture, Holiday decorations, tires, etc. I will even send Ken and Shaddahellup along. After all, they need a place to live. As a personal favor to the high bidder, I will hose Crackhead Ken off first. If he barfs on the trip, not my fault.

The seller is also auctioning off other Christmas goodies, including a Loch Ness Monster - Water Horse with Display, which comes with a "spiffy cardboard foldout diorama of Loch Ness, a full color story scroll of the Loch Ness Monster, and a genuine cardboard and clear plastic box, all rendered as only the Chinese can!"

For that special grownup in your life, the seller is offering Traficant for President bumper sticker and buttons circa 1988, from the failed presidential bid of Ohio Congressman Jim Traficant, who's now in federal prison for his various misdeeds in office.

Bid on all 3! I'm sure the seller would be happy to combine shipping.

I got this via e-mail (from my DH), so I'm just going to reprint the whole thing. It's a good reminder of why we exist, in the eyes of our ever-loving children.

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade schoolkids to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball. 
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Moms don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Dye it. You know her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

It must be tough being a cop's wife. Every day, there's the question -- dangling over you like the Sword of Damocles -- whether your hub and the father of your kids will come home alive and in one piece. I, for one, can totally see how the stress could get to be too much to handle.

That's why I sympathize with Catherine Chiofalo, though her method for getting her husband off the force was a bit unorthodox.

In July 2005, Catherine (allegedly) secretly spiked her meatballs with about six joints worth of pot, hoping a failed blood test would force her husband, Anthony, to retire.

Catherine says that she

just wanted my husband not to die of a heart attack or get killed. I wanted him to be around to help raise my son.

The ploy worked. Anthony, a 22-year veteran assigned to the Joint Terrorism Task Force (no relation, I think), was fired after a random drug test given four months after the meatball incident found marijuana in his system.

Those must have been some potent meatballs.

Cop Sues Over Firing, Blames Meatballs [Washington Post]

When you're a cartoon character, you get away with a lot. Hitting others over the head with a frying pan, for instance, is par for the course. So is playing tricks on others who are obviously mentally challenged and/or insane. Having a really annoying stutter, throwing jealous tantrums, killing and maiming people who bother you -- it's all just a day in the life of Porky and Donald and Tweety and Co.

But now we find out the lovable lot is involved in far more nefarious activities. Last week, it was drug dealing. And this week, it's counterfeiting.

An Italian court has ordered Tweety Bird, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and his girlfriend Daisy to testify in the criminal trial of a Chinese man accused of counterfeiting Disney and Warner Bros products.

Disney, via an exec, had this to say:

Let's hope the characters will not be prosecuted for failing to appear.

Huh? Why aren't they appearing in court, as required by law? Another Disney exec explained:

Unfortunately, they cannot show up, as they are residents of Disneyland.

This makes no sense, unless ... they're not just residents, but prisoners of Disneyland. Happiest Place on Earth my eye. No wonder its employees call the place Mauswitz.

Tweety, Donald Duck Summoned to Court [Washington Post]

Tony Doden was broke. But getting a job was such a hassle. He decided to rob a grocery store instead. He got a gun, a getaway car, a partner in crime and a Jason mask all ready to go. But there was one small problem--the kid. You see, Tony was raising his 3-month-old son ALL BY HIMSELF, thank you very much, because his good-for-nothing girlfriend managed to get herself arrested and thrown in the slammer just weeks after the kid was born.

What to do? Getting a sitter or a relative to take care of the kid could raise suspicions. Besides, he's broke, remember? Bring the kid along? He could strap him in the Baby Bjorn. Nah...what if the kid pooped and he had to change his diaper in the middle of robbing the joint? (He still wasn't used to the smell. It made him kinda nauseous.) It would definitely interrupt the flow of events. Yup, he really didn't have a choice. He'd just have to leave the kid behind and hope for the best.

Bad move, Tony. Baby was not happy. Daddy was gone for SIX HOURS! Baby was hungry and scared and his butt itched really bad. So baby did what he had to do. He called the cops and ratted Daddy out.

Now baby lives with grandma. And you know what? Baby has no regrets over what he did. Oh yeah. That'll teach Daddy not to leave baby behind.

Man Allegedly Leaves Baby to Rob Store [Washington Post]

Thinking about breeding? Improve your chances of getting pregnant with a diet high in monounsaturated fats found in foods like avocado, nuts and olive oil.

A study found that women with the highest "fertility diet" score cut their risk of infertility due to ovulation problems by 66% and their risk due to other causes by 27%. The combination of 5 or more low-risk lifestyle factors, including not being fat, exercising and eating "fertile" foods meant a 69% lower risk of ovulation-related infertility.

In addition to sticking to the monounsaturateds, wanna-be moms should also opt for vegetable protein over animal protein, whole grains, multivitamins and iron, while cutting back on high-fat dairy, coffee, alcohol and cigarettes. And they should exercise too.

Yeesh. Thank goodness my breeder days are done. That diet is far too healthy for me.

Trying to get pregnant? Try the fertility diet [Reuters]