Even though I had made big strides in helping my two-year-old, Alex, adjust to his newborn brother, Ben (see here and here), I still felt like I had a long way to go. For several weeks after we'd brought Ben home, I was constantly telling Alex to "be nice," "be gentle," and "be careful" around the baby. I felt like this shaming cross between a broken record and a watchdog, and it only made Alex feel angrier and more jealous of Ben.

I decided to shift gears in my approach. Instead of instructing just Alex on how to act around the baby, I started to "direct" the baby on how to behave around Alex. I'd say things like "Ben, please don't cry so loudly. Alex and I are trying to read a story." Or sometimes, I'd go with "Ben, you be nice to Alex, too. Please be nice to each other." These days I say things like, "Ben, I am going to put you down for your nap now so I can play with Alex for a whole hour and you won't interrupt us!" It's worked beautifully for everyone: Alex feels special; Ben gets attention (even though he has no idea what I'm saying); and I feel better all around-less nervous about the baby getting hurt, less guilty about Alex's rattled state, and more present as a parent juggling these two little boys:

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When we brought our new baby, Ben, home from the hospital, our two-year-old, Alex, was utterly distraught (despite their smooth introduction detailed in "Adjusting to the New Baby / Part 1"). Feeling abandoned, he acted out his jealousy in ways both naughty and heart-wrenchingly sad. When I was able to pull myself together a few weeks later (though I wish it had been sooner), I left the baby with our nanny and took Alex out alone. We only had about an hour before I had to get back for more nursing, but it didn't matter. The two of us walked to a nearby pet store to survey the fish, lizards, and turtles, then shared a croissant on the way home. I hadn't seen Alex so happy in months. The twinkle in his eyes (that had disappeared in recent weeks) was back. And I was happy, too, for a few reasons. First, it was wonderful to be out with a toddler who could walk and talk, versus a mysterious all-I-do-is-eat-sleep-cry-and-poop newborn in a stroller. I also realized how much I had missed him--that it's a two way street, and I need to be with him as much as he needs to be with me. Finally, I saw how resilient children are--just an hour of alone time made up for weeks of feeling disconnected. I think we both felt totally energized after our outing. I didn't even care that I hadn't slept at all the night before!

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I was just about to give birth to my second son, and I wasn't sure how to handle the new baby and my two-year-old, Alex, meeting for the first time. I'd heard about giving the older child a present from the new baby, which seemed like a sound idea. But then our doctor suggested a couple of details to add to that concept, which were especially sweet and successful. She told us to put the present in the hospital bassinet (there's usually a compartment down below), to place a picture of Alex inside the bassinet wall for the baby to "look at," and to NOT have the baby in the room when Alex walked in for the first time. The introduction couldn't have gone more smoothly: When Alex arrived, my husband and I took him to the nursery to pick up the baby. He was so excited to see his own photo in the bassinet and even more psyched about the giant stuffed Nemo underneath. More importantly, he felt like a real insider-like we were all going to accept this new creature into our life together, and like the baby knew about his big brother just as Alex knew about his little brother.

The bliss continued for a couple of days before there were new growing pains to remedy. Stay tuned for more "adjusting to the new baby" adventures.

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The buzz of my Sonicare toothbrush is my guilt-free Do Not Disturb sign. The toothbrush is pre-programmed to shut off after two minutes, so every night I take a magazine into the bathroom with me and, while I brush my teeth, I sit on the edge of the tub and read a quick article or leaf through a fashion spread. Believe it or not, two uninterrupted minutes feels pretty long!

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